Food Review: Fat Fish

The last time I ate this much fish, I didn't want to even look at sushi (my favorite food) again.

I think there's something really good about being poor and eating sushi because then you savor each bite, share two rolls and a miso soup with your date, and feel light and satiated inside.

Tonight, my cousin treated me to sushi at a place that looks like Pink Berry sushi land. In fact, Fat Fish is in the same building as the Ktown Pink Berry. Dear God, we ate sushi off a revolving bar until our bellies were hanging out, and I could not bear another bite. Along with ginseng soju (surprisingly perfect and refreshing with sushi).

She comes there every week and her friend who joined us goes there 2-3 times a week. Apparently after 9pm everyday, every single color coded plate is $2.

we ate:

yellowtail

halibut

raw shrimp sushi (very interesting. it was creamy and nutty in flavor)

a roll with cooked salmon on top

dynamite?

salmon, mango, and cream cheese roll (this was pretty good)

tuna

salmon

toro

eel

spicy tuna rolls

lobster rolls

and of course, edamame and miso soup. these girls are crazy. they kept taking three at a time off the bar saying, ok, let's all share! i could never go drinking with them. they would get me drunk with all their peer pressure consumption.

the fish was fresh, the rolls were nice, the atmosphere was casual, modern, funky. i'd definitely bring my friends here.

Daily Song: Harp in My Heart

From Kevin Prosch's album, Palanquin. I was inspired to dig it out yesterday after our world music mass at church. He's such a fantastic lyricist and singer of the heart. The funniest part is that he rhymes Presbyterians with lesbians.

Food Review: Annie Chun's

Annie Chun's carries many different products. In the last week, I've tried three from Trader Joe's for lunch at work. Here are my thoughts below.
Miso Soup--really nice. I think making my own would taste better but it still hits the spot.


Udon: This one is my favorite. It's surprisingly so tasty. The broth is yummy.


Teriyaki: Not so good. It has a thin salty soy based sauce and the veggies aren't as buoyant as the others. Go with the udon or miso noodle soups.

All her noodles are fresh packed so they're nice and chewy and tastes fresh. $1.99 at Trader Joe's.

June 28, 2008

A momentous day, full of joy in the heart, unexpected peace, and exactly what I needed.

I started off with yoga in the morning and did some housecleaning.

Then I drove down to Lomita, CA to hang out with my friend Jeannette. She lives down there with her hubby Rocky who is a former bartender, pro beach volleyball player and youth pastor of pubescent jr. highers at a mega church.

J. and I ate junk food, walked around Hermosa Beach, slurped frozen yogurt by the ounce, shopped, went to Redondo Beach, ordered big juicy burgers, ran to the car screaming, turned on the heater, drank stellar margaritas made by Rocky, played with her weird loopy cats (we swear one of them was a crack kitty), watched an intense CIA movie, and laughed a lot.

I spent the night there and slept in, eating chips and dip, watching some more Korean dramas, and then going to the beach to walk around, listen to God, and enjoy the sand.

What a lovely lovely day. It was exactly what I needed.

GAS X

I need this asap.

Holy Shit

Holy shit. I just had a holy shit moment.

Sarah asked me last week, what is the feeling you get when you are closest with God?

For her, it was feeling absolutely free, as if she was on the top of a cliff with her arms stretched out wide facing the ocean.

I had a difficult time answering that question for a number of convoluted theological reasons. But after a while, I mustered up some words that seemed true.

I said, I think that it's feeling completely accepted. Completely loved. And because of that acceptance, I am free to be myself. But initially, it is about being completely accepted. Nothing is fundamentally wrong with me.

I walked away from that conversation genuinely intrigued and perturbed. What did I feel when I was closest with God? It had been such a long time since I had had an emotional experience with God. Centering prayer does wonders for walking with God but it's not about overwhelming feelings.

The last time I had a really emotional encounter with God was when I went to Taize, France in April 2007. I thought about that time, how I had sung in Latin, French, and German, and burst into tears. How I had sobbed and sobbed because the love of God just surrounded me in that place, penetrating all of my deepest fears and worries and hate. I felt absolutely accepted. I felt absolutely safe. In the end, I left France a new woman. Free to be herself, bathed in the light of God.

I was just talking with Ben now about something completely different. He was saying how he is very analytical and logical and loves creativity but lacks it. That's why he looks for creativity in a partner. That made sense to me. Of course we would look for something we lack in a partner.

What did I look for in a partner? It wasn't creativity. Was it rationality, stability? And then it hit me. Holy Shit. I look for safety. Not a stagnant comfort zone. But a person who will completely accept me and make me feel safe for who I am. That was one of the first things that drew me to J. I felt safe to be myself with him--safer with him than anyone else in the world. Free to be myself. The thing that broke me away from him was that I didn't feel safe anymore. I didn't feel free.

I suppose this may not seem that groundbreaking to folks. But it is to me. I never realized how I was looking for what I needed from God in a partner. Or that both are connected. I don't know what the implications for this are. But it was definitely a lightbulb moment.

musings 6

it is possible to love yourself and be happy about yourself but be sad about something else

taking care of yourself could mean getting a divorce but it could also mean initiating a relationship  (learned that from codependents no more)

The things my grandmother says

I came home today after work to spend some time with my grandmother from Korea.

She is known to be verbally absurd and unstoppable.

Here are some choice bits, translated:

After eating diy California Rolls, korean melon, cantaloupe, and slurping on her BB-Big red bean popsicle, she grinned and said, "I am the most happiest when I eat. Don't you think all people are the happiest when they eat?"

After railing about her kids, she turned to me with a big smile and said, "You know, even though I may sound like I hate my kids, my heart is always overflowing with love. I am truly a warm person." My dad and I looked at each other and burst out laughing. Absurd.

Level 1 Yoga with F.Noori & Centering Prayer

Yesterday, I went to Level 1 Yoga with F.Noori. The class was held in the west wing which I'd never been in before. I went in and everybody had laid their mats perpendicular to the walls and had their blocks, straps, and blankets all ready. I felt like I was in the big leagues. I tried to pretend like I knew what I was doing and got all my props too.

F. is a Persian woman with a very gentle yet firm teaching voice. I was happy to realize soon enough that I could keep up. Gentle Yoga with Bruce Schwartz had given me a very good grounding in breathing and fundamental alignments. I definitely had some moments where my legs were shaking like crazy and it was all I could do to concentrate on breathing to keep my balance.

But what I loved about this class was the mindfulness F. kept bringing us back to. We started off with clearing our minds and a little bit of quiet, closed eyes meditation. Then she explained exactly what we needed to do and what it was doing for us in terms of opening up our muscles and ligaments. She described how when we stretch and push our bodies to open up more, especially in our chest, it brings us greater awareness of not only how our bodies are doing, but how we are doing emotionally. At the end of every sequence, she would say gently with a smile, Ok, How are you doing? and give us time to think about it. And then she'd ask, What is your body telling you? Listen to yourself.

She did this throughout the 90 minute session. Bringing us back to the breath. Saying over and over, "be present." Be present to this very moment.

Wow. By the end of my time, the space in my chest had expanded from a miniscule tight speck to an expansive well that could house all that I was and felt. I felt grounded, centered, and unshakable. And of course, my body felt damn good.

I raced off to the first session of a home centering prayer meeting at S.'s house in east Pdena. And here is the really interesting part. She has two cats, Charlotte and Emily Bronte. Emily is excruciatingly shy and never comes out to meet strangers. In fact, S.'s niece came to visit her for a week and it took her three days to finally venture out from under the bed. Well, while we were doing centering prayer, Emily came out and watched us. That in itself is pretty unheard of.

But here's the kicker. After K. left and it was just me and S., Emily came over and sat on my lap and stayed with me for a good hour. S. was stunned and said in 11 years, Emily has never ever done that and it must be because I'm coming off incredibly centered. I'm not even a cat person!

Apparently, Emily is a healer and knows exactly when you're not doing well. Maybe it was a combination of my hard days and being centered despite it all that drew her to me.

At the end of my yoga session, we bowed "head to heart." I didn't understand it at first but then I got it. It's a way of saying heart, before the mind. We will be led by our hearts, not analysis and overthinking. Big happy sigh.

Food Review: McDonald's #6

This morning, driving along the golden hazy freeway, I got me a hankering. for McDonald's breakfasts.

Maybe it was the combination of feeling my fit yoga body or the fact that I hadn't eaten dinner last night. Or that I missed my mom's breakfast sandwiches and it reminded me of my dad who loves McD's breakfasts. In any case, I had a few minutes to spare and drove by and ordered the #6 Bacon, Egg, McGriddle Sandwich Meal with OJ. I think this is the second time in two weeks! I never do this.

Well, it was gross. Highly not recommended. Avoid avoid avoid. I wanted to try the McGriddle because I'd heard from a coworker that his family absolutely cannot get enough of them. Frankly, it was a really violating conglomeration of bacon, eggs, and cheese sandwiched between two moist pieces of bread soaked in a corn syrup equivalent of Aunt Jemima's. I was eating this going, WHAAA?? Why would anyone rave about this? And then I remembered my coworker's family is from boondog Indiana. I think midwestern white palate has something to do with it. I had to slather the thing in ketchup to be able to stand it. Let me know if you know any brown people that like it. I'd be interested in understanding why.

Becoming What You Are

Here is the passage that led me to resign. I still am scared shitless and wonder if I made a mistake. "Living by faith" can feel so tricky sometimes. Here we go, hang on kiddos!

Becoming what you are

from The Sources of Taize, Brother Roger

Fulfillment? Are you hesitating over a choice for fear of making a mistake?

Stop summoning your own darkness to cover your refusal. Happy all those who tear their hands from their eyes and dare to go forward, sustained solely by the trusting of faith.

Fulfillment? Become what you are in your heart of hearts...
...and the gates of a spirit of childhood will open, the wonder of a love.

A fountain of gladness surges up for you. Not euphoria, not just any kind of joy, but the jubilation that comes straight from the wellsprings of eternity.

Daily video: Christian the Lion

I am such a blog stalker.  I see things on other people's blogs and then I want to share it with my little audience here.  Here is this feel good video about Christian the Lion.  Maybe it's just me but Christian acts like a dog.  Cat lovers will probably disagree :)

20x200: A Dream World Glimmers in The Background of The Soul

I was in a meeting and opened a Jen Bekman email about Carrie Marill's work 47 minutes after it was sent. I loved the painting and wanted to snatch it up right away! It is already ALL SOLD OUT! It is too bad but we can enjoy it here on my blog. How beautiful are these images:

A closeup:


And I just love the title. I needed it. Subscribe to 20x200 for notices on quality art prints for only $20.

Resigning from my job

Today, I hand in my notice. I told my boss a few weeks ago that I would resign. But since then, I have reconsidered my resignation over and over again. She said I could take a leave of absence. My travel plans changed. I decided to stay and only travel for a month. And anxiety struck my heart. Should I come back and work here again? The economy is awful. I probably won't find another job. People are going hungry right now.

The last week, I tried every day to come up with a proposal for a job I would like here. Part time, contract, full time, job title changes, the works. I tried to make it work for me.

Maybe this will change. Maybe this isn't faith. But last night when I took a moment to read from my Taize book, Brother Rogere, I was convicted. He said (roughly), "Are you afraid of making a decision for fear of making a mistake? Why summon up your darkness when you can walk in faith?"

I sat and asked myself, what does it look like to walk in faith? And the answer came swiftly and clearly through the darkness of my room. Resign. Walk in faith. Resign.

Today, I will hand in my notice. I will walk in faith. I am scared of being jobless in the fall. But when fear is lifted, there is faith, not darkness.

in the hollow

today, this day, i tried to be present at work

my heart was breaking but i could only see

my anxiety. my chest fluttered.

i squirmed. i wanted to be free.

i sat in a studio

my teacher told me

breathe in. breathe out.

pay attention to your breath.

let everything go.

in the hollow of my chest

everything stopped

no flutters, no rain, no bird

trying to escape.

i dropped
my head like a bowling ball
let it dangle in space
i reached
for the ceiling with my pinkie
tip. pushed my heart
towards the wall,
lifting my head high

in the hollow of a still chest
i saw sadness.
this was no anxious woman
unable to decide or escape.
it was a sad woman

stored up in a closed

off well.

in the evening, i tried

to be present to my pain-

gazed at lilies,

leaves, sat
on grass,

saw
the
glory

of the
sun
setting

on
a
summer
day

i tried and i tried and i cried.

a little girl puppy

my coworker's son found her the other night. they took her to a vet and cleaned her up and are trying to find her a home. they guess she is a chihuahua/beagle mix. i would totally adopt her if i could. SO CUTE.

mish mash musings 5

my mother once again told me i should be a lawyer. except she said, "hanna, i found out about a great program at northwestern for graduates who have worked for two years or more. it's special for people just like you." i asked, what is it? she said, "oh you know, just for people like you, studying law." i balked. and she said, "hanna, you're so smart. why don't you want to help people by being a lawyer? you don't have to do it for the money. think about how many people you can help." blaaaahhhhhhhh

apparently a feminist author, Linda Hirshman, says to all women entering college: Don't study art. i.e. studying art is not going to utilize you in a place of power in the world. I had to laugh. Most females I know just want to take art classes, including myself. article in The Atlantic here. This article and my mom made me realize that I would rather be an unsuccessful mother raising kids and making homemade granola with some freelance writing on the side than be a lawyer.

thinking about this fall, job negotiations, looking for a job, my life, my future....it's time to do some centering prayer. i can tell i haven't done it in half a week.

Home for the FOOD

Oh dear Lord. I'd been craving Korean food and I hit the jackpot at my parent's in Claremont. Ok, so I always hit the jackpot here. But it's been a while. And my grandmother was in town for her biannual visit. And my aunt came from Memphis. It was almost like a janchi (big family feast). My belly is sticking out and let me tell you, I went swimsuit shopping today at Nordstrom's half yearly sale and I had to suck it in.

Feast your eyes on this:

beautiful deep red radish kimchi

kalbi jjim--juicy rough cuts of ribs with chestnuts, potatoes, and onions

lightly battered and fried makeral -- fresh caught by my cousin Paul

sauteed zuchinni--so simple but so delish

thinly sliced matchstick radish in a vinegary pink pickle

homemade pickles in water and ice

buchim--crispy pancakes made with bits of squid and some kind of wheatgrass looking veggie

iced barley tea

nougat dipped ice cream bars from the korean market

and to end
korean melon wedges (yellow on the outside, white on the inside)

Why did I move out again? :)

Books: Pyongyang

I came across this book while I was at Vroman's the other day. It is so random. But it made me laugh and have a good time. I almost didn't want to go watch Forgetting Sarah Marshall (which turned out to be hilarious although it was uncomfortable thinking about how J. must imagine me as "the devil" Miss Sarah Marsall).

Drawn and written (it's all in comic strip format) by a French (yes, French!) cartoonist, it depicts his business trip to the forbidden country and all the peculiarities of this sad closed off country. It's an unlikely but successful cartoon version of a travel memoir with a good dose of self-deprecating humour and an underlying sense of compassion within his bizarre encounters. Educational too. I was able to envision the landscape and temperament of North Korea far better than any other writings I've come across.

Highly recommended. I will definitely go back to the bookstore to read some more.

Thank You Cards

Today I decided to write off some looooong overdue thank you cards to my recommenders. I am quite the stationery whore and my drawer full of William Arthur cards and French milled paper just wasn't cutting it for me. I wanted elegant simple cards that said "Thank You" on them.

I drove over to Vroman's Bookstore and surveyed their fine selection of Crane's, William Arthur, Kate Spade, and Vera Wang stationery (it is so hot my toes get burned just from walking around).

They have a whole shelf stacked full of Thank you notes and first, I sat down on the carpet, talking on my cell phone to Lydia who had just called. After about 20 minutes of chatting and staring at the card boxes, I told her I needed to make a decision before I answered her question about how you know when you are supposed to break up with someone.

I hung up and stared at all the different kinds of ways you can say Thank You to someone. Lilac felt a bit dead. Hot pink felt too perky. Green was ok but the Vera Wang box of perfectly chartreuse trimmed cards were $30.50 for 10 cards/envelopes!!! RIP OFF. So I kept looking and looking and looking.

And you know what I learned from this whole experience? "THANK" is a really strange word. Very very strange. It almost does not sound English. When you see "THANK" and read it over a hundred times in different sizes, colors, and fonts, it starts feeling absurd. Almost like you are in Deutschland.

It's also a very ugly and harsh way to show your gratitude for someone. It's like you're spanking them with your phonetics. SPANK you. SPANK you very much.

It would be so much prettier if a simple "Lalala" meant thanks. Lalala you. Lalala all over you. I lalala you.

I didn't buy anything. I did call Lydia back though. And I said, "Where were we? Of course, BREAKING UP. Oh yes, how do you know when you're supposed to break up with someone. Really, there's no way you can deduce it to rational explanations.....It's a mystery."

"THANK you, Hanna!" she exclaimed. "Oh my gosh, THANK you!!! That's exactly what I was not expecting to hear but what I needed to hear. Thank you."

It's a dawg hot summer day.

unreal perfection

I suppose one of the hardest things about my relationship with J. is how much other people loved us. They said everything from "You guys are the perfect couple" to "You just seem to fit in a way that most don't" to "I just love you two together. LOVE IT."

It seemed like us being together brought so much joy to others. I was flattered but it confused me. Sometimes their joy seemed greater than mine, and I couldn't see why I couldn't have that same feeling of "perfection" or "fitting" that others seemed to perceive.

I tried to believe we were perfect, ignoring my doubts and confusion. I beat myself up for not appreciating him enough, us enough. I felt like a selfish bitch. I wondered if something was wrong with me. I analyzed us to bits. In the end, it was such a tangled mess that I didn't know if the analysis and obsession had ended us or if it had been rooted in something real earlier on.

I think that what I'm realizing now is how much it is easier to think that we are not ok but others are. It's very easy to project unattainable perfection and idealization on others. But whether or not others think something about me or us, what matters most is how I am truly doing. The idealization, the projection, the fantasy, doesn't amount to anything but confusion and strain. What matters most is the present, the reality, however painful that may be.

Daily Readings: Food Writers and Former Fat Girls

I have ALWAYS wondered how food writers do not get fat or how some are ok getting fat on the job. This article talks about how they keep the weight off.

And on another note, I discovered this book Secrets of a Former Fat Girl. I kind of want to read it.

Update: I skimmed the book at lunch on Friday and it's not worth buying. The most interesting thing about that whole book was how exercising and having healthy body image helped her move up the career ladder to become senior editor of top health and fitness magazines in the country. And helped her meet her husband :)

Summer produce and cold showers

Today was looking like it was set to be a painful heart throbbing day.  It was 102 degrees in San Dimas, and I felt lost, trying to follow wisdom yet suffering inside.

I drove back home in a tumult of feelings:  anger, pain, confusion, sadness, angst.  I was squinting against the ultra bright sunlight.  No matter how I positioned the visors (is that what they are called?), my body and face were lit up.  Even the pavement of the freeway took on a strange white glow under the harsh afternoon sun.  

I started analyzing my feelings without thinking, and then I decided to stop.  I said my sacred word and practiced releasing and accepting my feelings.  I tried smiling like Thich Naht Han suggests because whether or not you feel like it, it is the most relaxing position for your facial muscles.  I then began to see that the harsh light and driving conditions (traffic) were probably contributing to my overall outlook on life.  I decided to accept this as well and stop overthinking my depressed mood.  I turned on NPR and listened to thoughtful interviews of people who have downsized their life due to gas prices and the economic downturn.

I braved the heat and went to the Farmer's Market in South Pas, a weekly ritual I am wanting to establish.  I found easy parking in a Catholic school lot nearby and sampled fruit--rainier cherries, sugar plums, and white peaches.  I strolled along the booths, admiring the purple tinted green onions, fresh Korean cucumbers, and plump red tomatoes.  By the time I walked back to my car, my arms were heavy with plastic (working on that one) bags and my spirit was light.  Even though I hate the heat, I was pleasantly sticky.  Even though I was afraid and stressed today about this fall and about my job and desperately wanting to escape and wondering if I should leave my apartment after all, I found a small bit of happiness and contentment.  It does wonders for your soul to buy your food from farmers, outside, and in your neighborhood.

I came back, sat around sticky some more, actually didn't mind sitting around sticky, finished up the baby shower invites after figuring out how to glue the ribbon to close the flaps, and took a cold cold shower.  I feel like I can live.  Another day where I love myself and have some hope.  Another day where I love reality more than fantasy.

A discovery:

Starbucks retail stores give away a free itunes download every week on their revolving music rack.  This week's is Dream by Priscilla Ahn.  

An embarassing moment:

A very nice woman who was standing behind me listening to a clown/guitar singer entertain her little daughter very subtly pointed out to me that I must pay attention to the back of my waistline.  I thought my underwear was sticking out.  Oh no, it was toilet paper.  SWEET.

Daily Video: Heidi & Travis Contemporary

Last night I watched So You Think You Can Dance with my roommate. She got me looking at the bios of dancers online and many of them said that this dance below had been one of their top moments ever. I found it on YouTube and yes, it blew me away. Wow.

Enjoy.

Daily Readings: Crisis and Renewal

What a fitting title for our times. Nice article on living abroad by a fiction author.

what if

what if i learned french well enough to study at the sorbonne?

what if i studied french literature?

what if i studied global literature?

wow. my chest is tightening with startled glee.

to watch

movies

pretty baby

any historical movies of significance?

daily video: the girl effect

women. what does it take for us to be strong? society tells us we're weak and that we need men. but mostly, we need ourselves. we need to have a voice, to discover our own strength, and to take courage with action that we can only do ourselves.

this video here is a little bit self righteous and smells of the bay area (love you guys). but i like the end part. It says:

"Invest in a girl and she will do the rest."

how true! all the ladies need are people who will invest in them and let them do the rest.

Here is a great post on investing in your self.
And I'm reading this. J.K. Rowling speaks at Harvard about the fear of failure and actually failing. Need that one.

pow!

today i woke up...SORE. I always forget that sometimes, it takes a couple of days for your body to absorb the impact of a workout. my triceps are muy tender.

finance musings

whenever you pay your credit card late, call the company right away. they usually wave the late fee and the finance charges.

Seems true

"You can love a lot of people, but you can only live with a few." -- Co-teacher via H.W.

Getting my Inner Craft on

I'm making baby shower invitations for my friend Maria, and it's a good excuse to get my inner craft on. Yesterday, I went to Kelly Paper, Paper Source, and Michael's--all after work. Yes, this girl is serious. and needing diversions.

I'm happy with how things are turning out. Sky blue cardstock, khaki printed ribbon (says "All Boy" in light brown with a little maroon colored dog), pine print background paper---it all says baby boy, baseball, and sports.

I'll have to find my digital camera one of these days to post how they turned out.

Cheers.

Cornbread with Jalapeno Jelly

Holy crap, this looks good. It's right by my apartment. Want to go?

And I wonder if their red velvet is any good

Favorable L.A. Times review here. We could walk down there after yoga. Balance things out a bit.

Letting death go

I am grieving the death of a relationship. How do you approach death? How do you let death go? I think that I will let myself dress in black and accept my loss. I will make arrangements for a funeral and let friends feed me. I will dig the earth and watch the green fold into loamy brown stew. I will hold my heart and cry. And when the last bit of earth is tossed from my hand, I will walk towards life leaving grief behind.

To Read

Holy the Firm by Annie Dillard
East of Eden by John Steinbeck

any recommendations?

Greasy Fingers

This morning on my way to work, I made a detour to McDonald's. Yes, McDonald's. I really did think through my options but I can't stand breakfast burritos (so ixnay Del Taco) and Burger King breakfasts didn't sound promising.

I polished off a hash brown and egg mcmuffin meal. Drinking my coffee now. My coworkers were jealous. It's nice to have a full belly in the morning.

This Fall

I am reaching the thick of summer, wading knee deep.  The waters will reach my ears soon and then plop!  I will plunge into the muffled darkness where you cannot speak but swim.

August I will swim away from here, swim in foreign waters, and come back a mythical creature with legs too rich for mere walking.  I will fly and sift, run and pour, hum and drift in gold.

Fall how will you greet me?  Will you embrace me and welcome me home?  I need you to hold me and rock me gently at night and let loose in the light.

I am waiting and watching, my toes are wet.  I am holding my breath.

Summer Monday Sticky Yoga

Today.  What a day today.  Bored at work.  Made a decision.  Wrote an email.  Freaked out.  Calmed down.  Forgot about it.  Pestered someone.  Bored again.  Slept in car.  Ate too much.  Met a friend.  Left right away.  Drove home silent.  Collapsed on bed.  Lay around.  Ate my lunch.  Talked with roommate.  Walked to Yoga.  Grunted and collapsed.  Lay like corpse.  Listened to self.  Felt my sadness.  Talked with God.  Walked back home.  Ate again.  Talked to friend.  Lay back down.

Today.  in a nutshell.

Passing Strange

I would love to see this. I caught a clip of an interview of the creator on NPR yesterday, and I was enthralled by his views on being an artist and being black. He lives in Berlin and writes. Sounds nice.

Daily Song: Shelter

For our souls.  Because sometimes we need a beautiful voice to remind us that we have shelter wherever we are at.

Funny quote

"I got married, and it felt like I'd lost my head." --Chitra 

A seed must die

I sang for the first time in a while with the World Music Mass service at my church. One song, an oldie. And my mike didn't even sound like it was on. But it was nice to try something new that was actually something old.

Afterwards, six of us went to Pho 79 and had dinner. We stayed until they kicked us out. For a while, I felt like I had food coma and wasn't my normal talkative self. Later on, I was able to interject some comments between Chitra's garrulous storytelling and Stephen's philosophical waxing and waning.

But when I finally said goodbye and walked by myself to my car in the parking garage while everyone else went up another level, I realized that what I was feeling wasn't a quiet or a loss of words--it was sadness. It was a broken heart. However broken my love had been for J., I had loved him deeply. I am grieving the loss.

I think Chitra could see it because she put her arm around me and walked me out of the restaurant, telling me to enjoy life and to not even think, just enjoy. And Won Jae and Roger took care to give me warm hugs.

I sat in my car and started to cry.

Some words stick with me from this beautiful evening.

A seed must die for it to come to life.

We are spirits on a human journey. (Native American Dakotas)

Vocation is where the world's greatest need and a person's greatest joy meet. (Frederick Buechner)

The world does not owe you anything. (The late Tim Russert's mantra)

a seed must die...

#1 I AM

I'm starting a new post series. They just keep growing don't they?

Every Friday, I will finish this sentence: I am...

I'd like to hear yours in the comments section.

Today's

I AM... a force to be reckoned with.

Daily Song: A Waltz for a Night

I've been thinking about the movie "Before Sunset." I'm not sure if watching it will make me wail or feel happily diverted. But what a lovely movie. One of my top favorites. Enjoy the song at the end by Julie Delpy.

musings 3

there was never any good that came from wondering if something was wrong with me.

This quote from Lolita reminds me of The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis:
"You know, what's so dreadful about dying is that you are completely on your own"

This is so Humbert Humbert:
"I always preferred the mental hygiene of noninterference."

It seems to me these days that the seed of violation/violence is a belief that others owe us something. Rooted in that very belief is the assumption that persons belong to us whether they like it or not, so when we demand, cajole, force, manipulate, yell, abuse, resent, begrudge them--we are completely justified--we were only asking for what was rightfully ours anyhow. We can never possess anyone, not even ourselves. What lies we believe. What evil we enact.

Thomas Keating: psychic unloading in the love of God = divine therapy.

It's friday.

Daily Readings: Pure Tyranny

I am really liking Judith Warner at the Times lately. She wrote this in response to the hymen restoration article and goes further to explore manifestations of patriarchy and sick attitudes toward sexuality in the U.S. The Purity Ball makes me shudder. Ugh. Especially since I'm reading Lolita, and I can see a resemblance of Humbert's possessive views surrounding Lolita's sexuality that is not unlike these evangelical dads and their emotional control of their daughter's "purity." Granted, I think it's wonderful for dads to affirm their daughters but to see them as the gatekeeper to their priceless virginity? I think this ball just reeks of taking it too far. And the pictures in themselves are disturbing with the cross and all that flowing white fabric and girls in prom dresses with their dads. Yes, Humbert raped Lolita repeatedly and physical force is different from emotional control. But both are still destructive, and if men can't stop emotionally demanding possession of a woman's body, whether for purity or sex, women will still be oppressed.

A Brilliant Idea!

I was thinking about this article and feeling a lot more strongly about it than I had when I wrote this post.  I think I was stunned for a while.  Can you imagine being a man and having to go through some kind of reconstructive virgin appearance surgery so that you won't be shunned by family and society and lead a successful life?  I'm glad that the article exposes this "trend" but I really wish the author would have written about the fact that men never have to prove their virginity, are most certainly not virgins themselves, and instead get to strut around like pompous indignant asses when they don't get their virginal wives while they are probably transmitting some kind of STD to her and others.

So here's my brilliant idea.  I think that every single male baby should be implanted with a microscopic chip in their penises soon after birth.  And when those babies grow up and have intercourse for the first time, the microscopic chip will bloom and burst and turn their penis bright blue with a white cap at the end.  Yes, they will have a Smurf penis, and they will have to go through great flesh colored tattooing lengths to cover that boy up.  Unless of course they wait till they get married, and their chip is promptly removed pre-first marital intercourse.

Daily Song: Say

I just freaking love this song. John Mayer actually wrote it for the movie Bucket List. Note: compare his older music videos to more current ones--he doesn't contort his body and face so much i.e. more pleasant to look at.

Daily Readings: Monaco and Night Owls

Have you been following The Frugal Traveler as he does "the grand tour" of europe? He's a great writer and has good tips. He also gives nice perspectives on traveling alone.

Favorite line: "I walked back uphill to the Beausoleil, taking every diversionary alley I could find, loving every heavy step and wishing Monaco could always be like this: dark and cool, the knotty streets the province of night owls like myself, who don’t need a prince’s ransom to live like kings."

Another good word

"Let's not overthink this. What we have is good, and it's working." -- M.F.

Thriving...in real life

I love to travel. I hope to travel around the world with a faithful companion one day. But honestly, it doesn't have to be for a whole year. It could just be every year for a month. Or once a few years for six months.

A few days after the fateful breakup, I thought, maybe I should travel around the world come fall. Why not? I feel like I'm dying, I need to get out of this place, and I can't imagine living here (which I had just moved to only a week before) when J. goes away to grad school in the fall.

My friends said rah rah do it! It's your time Hanna! So I decided to do it. For a couple weeks.

And then came the word about constancy. reflections ensued. in the last few weeks, i have discovered that i am thriving in my current location. There are many wonderful things that have improved my health and overall outlook on life. Isn't that what I really need anyways? A consistently good life? Yes, doors have opened up for me to go travel. But it's also interesting to note the doors that have been opening up for me to stay on here in a really lifegiving way.

Tonight, my young adult group, Communitas, discussed at length the direction and vision of the group. I love this group, and it has been a small seed of a community for me. While I was in the bathroom, the group had the nerve to nominate me to be on the leadership committee. I came back from burping out my ice cream (lactose peeps), and they all yelled, hey, we nominated you.

Strange and awkward this group but I love them. I was going to run to France to get my community, because I'm a francophile, and well because Taize is just unbeatable. But perhaps this is what I need more. Thriving...in real life.

I don't know peeps. Traveling would still be great. Lots to think about. Life just keeps getting more interesting.

musings 2

perfect couples don't exist.  marriage is about two imperfect people who love each other, are willing to act on that love, and build a life that nurtures both of them.  and the building begins after marriage, not before.

i like my toes.  pedicures make me happy.

solitude is necessary for my health.

Lolita is a disturbing masterpiece.  I almost feel like I'm committing a sin reading it but then the literary quality is so superb that art trumps pedophiliac content.

taking a sick day was a great idea.

making goals and reaching them is wonderful for your self esteem.

if you feel insane about something in your life, act. do something different.  anything different.  sanity is breaking the pattern.

i think i should go into the greeting card business.  most of my musings sound like pop culture quotes.

i miss him.  trying to be constant.  in love.

revisiting some goals

looking back on this post, i'm happy to report that i've followed through with several.

signed up for letterpress class--check

taking yoga classes at yoga house--check

clean out my old room--sort of check (started)

write--check (blog, not fiction)

still to go:

writing fiction

selling stuff on ebay

buying digital slr

learning to use it

new professional goals:

learn ap and chicago style

take an editing class

learn indesign and photoshop

journalism class at ucla?

Anger and Pain

So much (or is it all?) of the world's chaos is caused by anger and pain.  There is no end to our struggle to understand, dissect, and blame away our frantic confusion.  Jesus taught acceptance through the cross.  Not in a passive way.  And never in a masochistic way.  Always in a mysterious love that transcends, that accepts, that can engulf the chaos, and quiet our minds.  

Daily Reading: Restoring your hymen

I never knew this procedure existed.  Do you think this is an act of liberation or regression?  I understand why the women feel like they have to do this but what an outrage that they cannot lead happy lives without the appearance of virginity.

Daily Song: Esperanza Spalding

Wow, two in one day. breaking rules. She is wild and fierce and lovely. Enjoy.

Daily Song: If Only

I love this song.
especially the chorus: If only you could see me now....bap bap wah wah

Musings

My apartment mate really likes me. She is asking me, are you sure you want to leave?

Yesterday I met K., a new med student starting up this fall. She went to Yale, studied psych, decided she wanted to sing, did a m.a. in opera, hung out in boston with friends, and then decided she wanted to use her mind more, and decided to go to med school. how cool is that? i love people with unconventional paths. she was very chill and sweet too.

rosa and i are going to thailand and india this august.

this program looks so exciting! maybe next year.

my body still feels good. more notes: B.S. focused on neck and shouler stretching. We did this one front neck muscle exercise that was pretty intense. My whole head started shaking.

my peonies are so pretty. it was the first thing i saw when i woke up.

yoga, centering prayer, good friends, and writing make me feel like i can do anything.

i realized that being an editor is a good job for me. as well as being a writer for a school. they pay the bills and they give me regular hours so i can enjoy other aspects of life and write fiction and whatever else i want to write. this school is crazy. so perhaps another school. but what i do now is actually a great fit! i'm thankful for having found that.

i'm redefining success. success to me means being authentic and working hard and using your heart and smarts. it means doing everything with love and diligence and playfulness.

on sunday at world music mass, i met this very interesting woman, Faith. She graduated class of '61 from Wheaton and is a millionaire. She started two different publishing companies in her lifetime and made tons of money (through prayer she says) and likes to edit "controversial" books for nonprofit purposes. She's located in Pasadena. She gave me her contact info so I could come by and see what it's like to be a publisher.

Gentle Yoga with Bruce Schwartz

Today I raced out of work, drove home, parked (thank God the guy next to me stayed within the line), put my peonies in a vase (i wish i could show you how beautiful they are), slipped into yoga clothes (hurray for my new lululemon yoga pants), slung my purple mat on my back, and started walking down the hill to Yoga House.

Within five minutes, I was being handed my props by co-owner/teacher Bruce Schwartz.  I've done Level I yoga with B.S. once and had the most amazing feeling afterwards.  It was like my inner energy had broken loose and was beaming out like a beacon throughout the day.

Gentle Yoga didn't do quite that but it was exactly what I needed.  When I walked away from the studio, eating my apple, savoring the lingering traces of yogic tea, this is the thought that filled my being:  I love my body.

I felt connected to my body and respected it for what it had done.  All the tension was gone.  My mind had traveled to my breath and down to my center and the frantic ping-ponging of thoughts had stilled to a simple breath and step.  I was thankful to walk, eat my apple, swing my mat, and enjoy the evening breeze back to my apartment.  My body felt goood.

Favorite moment:   When we were doing corpse pose at the end, B.S. walked around adjusting everyone.  He took my shoulders and pressed them down into the ground and held them there.  DAMN.  I near melted into the earth.

15 class series baby.

Daily Song: Bittersweet

This is just funny. Lol. I like the ghetto home video/brady bunch feel and the fact that John Mayer and Kanye sing together. It's a good song or as D. says, "classic Kanye." But the combination of a nice J.M. and K.W. collaboration, some spot on lyrics on how couples feel, and absurd lines (I'll never hit a girl, but I'll shake the shit out of you) makes this a pretty top pick.

Watch the guy's face when he sings "And she say, muhf**ka, yo mama's a bitch." It is hilarious.



update: this video is noncommissioned

Letters vs. Emails

letters:
you find paper
matching envelope
design inside mind
you write, draw
take care
to be legible
straight lines if you can
you lick and seal
find stamps
can't find stamps
postage went up
buy stamps
forget to bring letter to post office
a few more days
you realize the letter was kind of
mean
inappropriate
too gushy
not where you are at right now
rip up, start over
write slowly
draw some more
read carefully
press to your heart
and drop
in the box

emails:
you're angry. you're in love. you're hazy. you're crying. you type. you pound. you click. it's sent. oh damn. oops. fuck. shit. retrieve. retrieve. retrieve? oh well. writing another one. sorry. wasn't thinking. one hour passes. no response. oh shit. they're mad. three days passes. they were out of town.

Daily Readings: Every Day Sex

This article will make your eyes pop. My favorite part: she made him have sex even when he had vertigo.

Constants

A good friend, M.F., wrote me a kind email today checking in and encouraging me to come to Communitas, my fellowship, this Wednesday.

He said, "I know things are in flux to say the least, but some constants can ground us when we are in tumult."

A good word. A very good word. I had just been thinking in the last few days about how I tend to uproot everything and believe I need a huge change when there is crisis or trauma in my life. Change can definitely help. Traveling is always awesome. But constants keep us grounded. It keeps us going. There is something of God in constants.

Here are the good constants in my life:
I love my apartment and my roommate Lara. Living in Pasadena has been really good for me.
My church life: Communitas, centering prayer, World Music Mass. What a special place that keeps me grounded.
A job: not necessarily this job. But working helps you keep going and gives you a rhythm in life.

I'll be thinking and praying about these next few months ahead.

On the California Highway #1

I cannot stand these trucks.

I swear they should be made illegal. These things have no cover on them and 100% of the time, gravel is flying off and hitting my car. I have had two windshield cracking incidents because of them. Grrrrr. Steer clear.

Blog reflections #1

Some random reflections before going to bed.

I avoided blogging like the plague. I had an internet job that made me sick of the internet. I decided I would avoid it at all costs if I couldn't at work.

Obviously, some things changed cause this girl loves to blog. Here's why:

-- Writing is therapeutic. Any kind of writing. It makes the brain healthier and allows you to deposit thoughts and move on. It helps you remember aha moments. Blogging gives you an audience; imagined or real, writing for an audience helps you have fun and write better.

-- It helps your social life. Why? Because you aren't inundating your friends during work with emails about articles, restaurants, and products you are interested in. I used to absolutely inundate J. with compulsive emails every time I found something of slight interest. The poor guy was drowning in my emails. I flooded his inbox. Thirty a day, he claimed one time. Now I can just stick it in my blog instead of demanding my friends to partake in it. I can leave them alone and be me :)

Update:
-- The benefits of writing in your own blog far outweighs reading other people's blogs. Reading other people's blog usually = neurosis. Writing your own = free therapy.

Eating My Way Through Life #1

This week's food recommendations:

Jamba Juice Caribbean Passion--DELISH, especially after a hot walk around the Rose Bowl. Get an original size split in two and share with your partner.

Zona Rosa's Zona Sunrise--yummy orange, cranberry, grapefruit juice concoction. very pretty to look at but could have used more ice. love the outdoor seating.

A Korean BBQ place near Nogales and Colima across the street from New Garden. Can't remember the name. But it's new, cozy, and they use really good meats. I'm kind of sick of meat though. Overconsumption. Yuck. Read Wendell Berry.

Pho 79's Charbroiled Pork Pho---holy chihuahua it is so good.

And my top recommendation--the "Bisting" from Europane. I can't find the actual reference online but that's how it is said phonetically. It's a traditional German coffee cake and yowee it is absolute perfection. A thick square of spongy bread (almost like plain foccacia) brushed with a golden custard and drenched in crunchy glazed almonds. Just the right balance of texture and sweetness. Ask for the inner slice if you love almonds.

Edit: It's the Bienenstich cake or Bee Sting cake as some seem to call it.

Tending to my seedling

Here is my seedling.  It represents my callings.  I'm going to water it every day, weed it, and give it a whole lot of sun, fresh air, and boosts of organic compost and fertilizer when needed.

Traveling usually = fertilizer.  Concentrated doses of all of the above.

Hope Against Darkness

I've been reading Hope Against Darkness: The Transforming Vision of Saint Francis in an Age of Anxiety by Richard Rohr. Every page is full of one liners that are captivating and freeing.  He puts his finger right on your sore spot and it makes you squirm but in the end, you see more and feel better.  There is a way after all!  I suppose that's what hope is about.

Today, Richard Rohr explained the paradox of control freaks and happiness.  How it alludes them.  And how they try to control even more to attain it when the key to happiness is faith, holding the tension of the world through the cross, and accepting the pain in your life instead of trying to find out who is to blame.

Everything is still hazy.  I don't know exactly why but his words are giving me hope.  I'm beginning to see that in life, it's not even about getting what you want that makes you happy.  The thing is, what are you going to do when you don't get those things?  What if I don't get to travel around the world for a year?  What if I don't meet the man of my dreams?  What if I don't have that successful career I've always imagined for myself?  What if I don't get the MFA that I thought would make me truly happy?  Will my life really suck?  Or not be worth living?  No, the answer must be no, although I have believed that lie for a while now.

Knowing what you want is a good start to heading in a direction.  But attaining those things never means you will be happy.  Happiness and freedom comes from attending to your calling every day, knowing that you have a God that is for you and loves you, knowing that life happens and at the end of the day, you have to be happy for how you lived your life, not what you did or what you attained.

It's complex.  It's full of twists and turns.  I still can't wrap my head around it.  But my heart is filling with hope.  I'm feeling the freedom I thought only a trip around the world could give me.

Letting yourself off the hook

We were eating chicken at Zankou, making our way through the garlic butter and pickled radish.  We were talking about my pet peeves.  And then she did it.  Rosa pointed out to me, "You've said several times in this conversation, 'People need to get their act together.'  Do you realize that?"  She gave me that fierce quiet look, and I took it in.

She was right.  I do say that a lot, with vehemence, with indignation.  When I see people flopping around, making excuses, unable to do what they say they are going to do, I become angry.  I see it as weak-willed, flakey, or unable "to get your act together."  I roll my eyes and basically act heinous and rude and judgmental and wage on and on about why those people just can't get their act together.

I have enough wisdom in my young life to know that whatever you expect of others, you expect of yourself.  I feel like this ties to my feelings about marriage, and how I have such high standards for myself and my status at the time of said wedding.  

My friend Z. said to me once in my state of anxiety, "Why don't you just let yourself off the hook?"  She was quite emphatic and looked at me like I was deranged for giving myself such a hard time.

My writing teacher has also said to me, "You are so hard on yourself.  Don't be."

They are all right.  I give myself a hard time about everything.  That is why I get depressed, so sad about my failings, and paralyzed, unable to move or even think about existing a moment longer.  I demand myself to get my act together.  But it's not possible.  There is no way that I can be all that I feel like I should be in this moment.

Sister Loreta, a spiritual director at Mercy Center, said something that has always stuck with me.  "Life has enough suffering.  Why create it?  Why pursue it?  Do the thing you love.  Do what makes you thrive.  Don't worry, suffering will come your way.  But when it does, you can be assured that it is just part of life, not something you are creating unnecessarily.  LIVE."

I think I'm trying to figure out how to love someone yet live in such a way that I thrive with that person.  I hope I learn this mysterious balance.  I hope it does not allude me much longer. 

Here's to letting yourself off the hook, Hanna.  You don't have your act together.  And it's ok. It's really ok.  One step at a time.  One thriving full step at a time.

Treat Yourself to Peonies

I did. Can't wait for them to open up. $6.99 for 5 stems at Trader Joe's. Yum.

Is a Feminist Marriage possible?

I am scared to get married. I thought it was because the man was not right for me. I picked him apart. I found every single thing that could be a potential blowup in the future and patted myself on the back for finding them. My fear was grounded in reality it seemed.

And then I talked to friends and family. Even acquaintances at bridal showers and get togethers. I asked them about their marriage or their upcoming marriage. How did you know, I asked? I hate it when people say, I just knew. And thankfully, most did not respond like that. They talked about various obstacles that had come up and how they had overcome them. I became more bold. I started to divulge very private fears about what I thought was the matter with me and the man. I confided my concerns over possible sexual deviance, mental disorders, family of origin. My dad even told me his perspectives without being prompted on what he thought about my perceived problems in the situation.

And you know what I came back with? Some people, all women, thought there was serious validity to what I was talking about. They said, in the end if you feel like something is wrong in your gut, then you are probably right.

And then there were others, some women and some men this time. They said, these are all normal and absolutely manageable problems you are talking about. You are not a freak and neither is he. These friends patiently sat through every single dirty problem I could think of, observed them, probed them, listened some more, and then announced, yup, that's normal. perfectly normal. everyone has these issues. bottom line, he's a great guy.

I've reached a place where I can accept him as a perfectly well suited candidate for marriage. I don't think his psycho self is going to jump out at me from behind the bushes during our marriage. OR as my happily married male friend M. would say, "Sure marriage is crazy, but LIFE is crazy!" Yes, life is crazy. We can't expect marriage to be predictable. (And I know, as I write this, I know that everybody else has good reason to believe that I may be the psycho one in this relationship)

But damn. Now that I've got that out of the way, here's a new one that I've been able to freshly articulate with the help of this article and this related website. The feeling of chaos, of anxiety and mess, that the women Judith Warner describes is all my own. And I'm not even a mother! But I can relate so desperately to the feminist angst she describes, and I've definitely looked into the future and only seen this angst magnify with motherhood and years of marriage.

As I was processing all of this, I realized that when I think of getting married without having achieved success in my career, I feel like an absolute failure. It seems far more glorious to have travailed on your own, risen to the top, and then married a man on your own terms once you've proven that you can do it. And only if you can still continue that within the marriage but that doesn't seem as important to me.

I see myself walking down the aisle now and it just seems really awful and pitiful. Hanna, writer and editor of dinky rink bible college, no graduate degrees, getting married so young (she probably doesn't know what she is doing). Hasn't gotten in anywhere, moving with her husband so he can go to school, becoming domestic wife follower of husband's more important career. Probably make baby soon. Too bad. So much wasted talent.

To choose a fulfilling career over marriage, especially when I'm only in my mid 20s, seems far more satisfying. I can do it all on my own terms. I don't have a partner with his own needs and demands that tend to obscure mine. But I do this by leaving a man I love. In the ideal world, I could have both. I could have a fulfilling and happy marriage and a fulfilling and happy career. Why does it feel so damn impossible?

Judith Warner talks a lot about how society tends to create these impossible situations for women, promising them that they can have it all and yet not creating the structural support to really make it possible. So women enter their careers and marriage truly believing that they can be the feminist they have always wanted to be yet it never comes to pass and they start feeling rage and anxiety and confusion and are utterly unhappy. The worst part about it is that most have no idea why they feel like this and their children start wondering why they have an unhappy mother and their husbands start tiptoeing around them and rolling their eyes.

Read this first from Warner's Q & A section:

3. You note that most of our notions about contemporary motherhood come from images of upper middle class life – the reference point for what the American good life is supposed to look like and contain. How has that affected how we raise our children?

It means that our notion of what’s necessary and what’s desirable have become conflated. It means our notion of what’s desirable has been ratcheted up and up – so that we aspire to the lifestyle and the things that before were considered the spoils of real wealth. It means we often feel that we are failing, because we simply can’t have all those things, and in our collective psyche that failure to have things translates into a general sense of unworthiness.

Perhaps my sense of failure is directly connected to what I have been raised to expect and what I have seen in the media. All those upper middle class women in the NY Times who marry later and seem to have it all--the education, the career, the money, the husband, and children. It seems so grand. It seems empowering yet domestic. The perfect ideal. The perfect setup for feelings of unworthiness?

Is it possible to marry young, to marry before achieving all the vocational success you have longed for and that you know you need, and achieve it while married? Is it possible to get married and be a feminist?

Daily Readings: Saved

Weird. Very weird. The 2004 movie Saved is now a musical. NY Times review here.

L.A. Mill Coffee & Fun Times

L.A. Mill Coffee

Last night, I lay on my bed, staring around at my room, listening to the loud echos of kids playing in the apartment courtyard. I lay in my bed so long that I missed my yoga class. I started reading my Beyond Codependency book because it usually helps me get motivated to take care of myself instead of laying around mopey.

I did some suggested activities, like reflecting on what you feel like you don't deserve (i.e. a happy life, fun, loving relationships) and then turning them around to make them into "I deserve" statements. I know this goes against everything fundamentalists and IV people teach. And you know what, fuck them. eehee. I just wanted to try saying that. It's so powerful and vulgar. But when my friends say it to me, it always makes me feel better. Like when M. said, "Fuck everyone" after I stressed out about other people's breakup advice. She's so deliciously wicked like that. You need someone in your life who will tell you that sometimes.

Ok, I digress. So, I wrote a lot on what I deserve. And it was empowering. It helps rewire all the negative sabotage thinking in your head about how you should be unhappy, or how you don't deserve to be in a good relationship, or how you're not really fit for some of those super jobs you want. I thought a lot about the "fun" piece and my response was surprising. A lot of times, I think that having fun isn't spiritual enough or kind of lame, or really, I'm afraid to look like an ass trying new things. So I did some rewiring in my brain and wrote about how I deserve fun.

At that moment, I realized that if I don't do something, I will have gone through the entire day not talking to anyone I cared about or who cared about me which equals depressed Hanna. I talked a little with coworkers but I came home to an empty apartment, laid around, and would go to bed to go to work again unless I moved fast. S. Ling happened to be online, and I asked her if she wanted a spontaneous coffee get together. She said, Yes. WOOHOO!!!

We went to L.A. Mill Coffee, an uber chic Silverlake place that was reviewed to high acclaim in the LA Times recently. I had the Creative Burst tea, and she had the Pink Parachute. We sat talking late under the gold chandelier, enjoying the red and teal decor and the plush swivel chairs. I had so much FUN!!! I drove all the way home thanking God and feeling energized to get through another work day in San Dimas.

I'm learning peeps. I'm learning how to make myself happy.

Daily Song: Stronger Woman

holy crap i found my theme song in the form of jewel and country music.

the part where she sings "the kind of woman i'd want my daughter to be, ohhh" makes me twinge. it's so twangy and too country and unbecoming but everything else is AWESOME! Ladies, this song is for you!

traveling and more

tonight rosa and i went to borders to look at travel books and make some decisions for this summer.

thailand, definitely. perhaps vietnam, laos, and cambodia. at the end, a visit to singapore to see theresa and carl.

jen a. is going to guatemala in august and then to mexico city for a few months. perhaps i should go to asia, then france, and then south america and finish off with some spanish language classes to add to the lingual stew.

korean is still on my list of languages to learn and be fluent in. but the thought of going to korea makes my upper lip twitch right. mother countries can be so complex in their expectations of you.

another moment of appreciating rosa today (thank you God for a post breakup friend. you knew how much i needed it). everytime i had an emotional outburst that had something to do with "but what about..." "but i can't..." "but i don't think we'll ever..." She looked at me calmly, took it in, and then firmly said something perfect and logistical and rational. I let her look me in the eye with that steely gaze and I nodded. Yes, of course. There is always a way. Yes, of course, I can email that professor. Yes, I can still plan on applying to grad school. Yes, I am not lame. Yes, of course, I should not send that angry mean letter to J. that I sealed and stamped today and then felt immediately grieved after. The one where the second to last paragraph started with "You have a problem."

she said another very important thing. she said, isn't there someone in your life who when you're feeling overwhelmed can sit you down and say, here, i see this when you can't, this is what you can do, step by step? UM, NO?? Does everyone have this kind of friend? I thought about it. I can't think of anyone. Maybe that is why I cannot get myself out of my freaked out situations. Does anyone know someone like that? A lot of my local friends are seriously the kind who listen to you freak out, and then get freaked out that you are freaking out, and give you a look that says, oh dear, or pray, or i don't know either.

well, rosa. you're the first. for now. please be the cousin fozzy in my life.

things to do this week:
send dr. davis a belated thank you card with edwards tickets
send leslie and young lee thank you cards with gift certificates
email frank yamata, evelyn, lydia, any others about div schools
email dr. martindale about any journalism students he is in contact with

Playing it by ear... and mouth

I realize that this blog is sort of turning into a "how to get over a breakup" writing project but I hope to make it more than that. It's a place where I make mental notes on living well (which happens to do a lot with recovery in all shapes and sizes) and get to share my passion for food, travel, spirituality, and friends. The Flying Nun is also a motif for me, an archetype of a woman who finds her self in enclosure, and yet has the unconventionality and freedom to fly. I think it is a fitting motif for me in this season.

On the latest friend share front, I had a heartwarming gchat with S. about breakups. She is going through a big one as well (although I don't think anybody I know can beat mine), and I love the way that she is handling it. Since breaking up with my fiance, I have been inundated with advice about exactly how to handle it and pursue life afterwards and frankly, I got hysterically annoyed. Well meaning friends were telling me to stay away from him for 1 year. Others were telling me to seriously consider no contact for 6 months. Still others told me that I should commit to 2 months of no contact. I started being very selective about who I spoke with and began to treasure the friends who did not give me advice. Instead they said, "Hanna, do what works for you. You two were a unique couple and what worked for someone else will not work for you. Do what works for you."

That is exactly what I need. No superimposed rules but developing an ear to listen, to feel out life, and to go with my heart. That is what I have been trying to learn these last few years.

Back to S. She said that instead of thinking about her post-breakup time as a time of "moving forward and getting on with life," she thinks of it as a time to discover her self. "Moving forward language is so negative," S. said. I agree. I've been trying those words out in my head, and it always grips my heart with sadness. But when I think of discovering my self, anything is possible and life feels full and wonderful, even when we don't get what we desired. We can trust that if we don't get back together, it is because I or him were better off without each other and with whatever pure love we have for that person, we can be deeply grateful that the other has found happiness beyond our own individual desires.

For her, playing it by ear has led her to create a timeline since she confesses that she is both vulnerable and undisciplined when it comes to these matters. This is to protect herself in case her man wants to get back together and she is not ready.

So I speak mostly to myself when I write this: Discover your self, wherever you are at in life. Play it by ear. And when that ear tells you to create a timeline or simple rule that works for you, do it. And then keep playing it by ear.

And here's some playing it by mouth. My favorite food blogger, David Lebovitz, just posted about a very simple chocolate Florentine recipe from the Ottolenghi Cookbook. It looks absolutely scrumptious, and I hope you enjoy. Here's another review about the cookbook by Heidi Swanson of 101cookbooks.com.

Bon appetit and strength for the journey.

Every night

Every night, I will take a moment to write down how I feel, what was good and what was bad that day. And then I will take a moment to think and write down what I need. And then I will pray for the courage to speak and act to make the need known and met.

Daily Readings: India Arie and Tiger Woods

I love this line from today's NY Times article, "It's Good to Be Immortal," about Tiger Woods.

"That a self-described control freak would devote his life to a game where so much is beyond a player’s control implies a certain degree of masochism."

A friend reintroduced this song to me today. I'm sure you've heard it. But I'm hearing the words for the first time. These words stand out to me: How I lost me and you lost you.