good things and thoughts - january

a talk with an old professor of anthropology who took time during his sabbatical to receive a long distance call

a walk with friend erin around the rose bowl (i ended up having to lie down again because i got dizzy and it was hard to breathe...is that asthma? ear imbalance?)

lemony chick-pea stir fry--this would be gluten free if not for the glucose in tofu

starting quantum wellness diet on monday with betsy

bridal shower and old friends

a powerful sermon on coming home to your true self by ed bacon at all saints

letterpress printing class and fab women who love to create and gab

good friends who pray for me

victory

overdraft fee refunded.

One of those weeks

Two parking tickets in one week...one which cost $50!

A quarter life meltdown

An overdraft fee at the bank because while savings were being transferred, my landlord decided to slip my rent check into that tenuous space at just the right moment

But after I contest the tickets, cheerup, talk to friends, and go to the bank and ask them kindly to remove the overdraft fee, I let go of what I cannot control and I put on my ban.do.

My ban.do makes me feel pretty happy. I wore it while I drove away with my parking ticket and a man gaped at me from his convertible and let me in to a crowded lane.

On Life and being in your twenties and not having accomplished much

OK!

work hard

don't stress

we'll get through this shit
--M.

a squirrel

there's a squirrel in my front lawn. he really likes to stand up on his two feet and eat in front of an electric box connected to a lamppost by the fence. he jumps around, all over the lawn, as if someone is going to attack him, and digs holes very fast. he has the place to himself and i can tell he enjoys it. from one side to the other to the middle to the lamppost and back again.

image from treehugger.com

Things to do in Pdena before I move or What I will miss once I move

Run around the Rose Bowl
Go to Yoga House and Feel what I Feel
Enjoy a cup of coffee and pastry at EuroPane
Drink coffee and write at Jones
Ride my bike to church and the library
Attend Taize services on Thursday nights
Take letterpress classes
Live in a gorgeous Victorian home with beautiful housemates
Sit in Vroman's and people watch while flipping through books
Take the Gold Line to Union Station
Go to Alhambra, Arcadia, San Gabriel oy! for good Taiwanese and Vietnamese food
Late night taco truck runs
Communitas and COS folks

So many places. Only a couple of months.

Piano

I played the piano and sang and almost cried. I forgot how good it feels to play and sing. Damn. This is some serious shit. This is why I never messed around in high school. Music was my high.

Started writing a song. I hope to sing it for my friends once it's done.

Running shoes

New running shoes to run in.

Stubborn kind of fellow

At church today, the rector used this song to illustrate God's love for us. We all got up and danced and clapped. I loved it.

New Constants

I was reminded of what good friend M.F. said a while back when J. and I broke up. Constants are a good thing. I'm not inclined to constants. Instead, I'm always climbing on to the next limb of my imaginative tree, branching out until I've forgotten that there was a trunk and roots that connected me to something solid and real.

I took some time today to journal about the constants I need in my life. A good exercise for the routine-challenged. All it takes are some house guests to completely forget how I lived my life previously. Did I really use to ride my cool orangey-red vintage schwinn around and go journal in bakeries, even after a mid cross-walk crash? Wow.

Here's to constants in the new year. We need reminders, more often than we think.

Working through being Unsettled

I was walking around Los Feliz today, waving my arms around and telling Lydia, "I just feel so unsettled and being unsettled makes me feel like I can't plunge myself into work."

She thought for a moment and then said, "I've found that when I'm unsettled, plunging myself into work makes me feel settled."

Alright, alright. I get it. It's that vicious paradox. You have to work through the disturbing feelings and the constants are what makes you feel sane in the end.

I have less than 3 months till marriage. Lydia suggested writing a novel during that time. And then she laughed and said, "Is that too unrealistic?"

Maybe. But I told J. about it and he decided to give me some structure and goals.

1. Write a short story by the end of January.
2. Apply to 10 jobs.
3. Go to sleep at the same hour and wake up at the same time.
4. Exercise five times a week.
5. No more dairy and meat.

I have been reduced to asking other people for structure. We even signed a written contract with an unspecified reward at the end when I fulfill these goals. Hey, it works for me. I need it. Otherwise I start floating around like a gay bubble, feeling unanchored and entirely vapid and pointless. The doldrums of being a type 4.

I started two short stories. I started reading Angels Crest by former writing instructor Leslie Schwartz. And even though I'm broke, I bought What I Talk About When I Talk About Running, a memoir by Haruki Murakami.

Pdena

I'm back in my home space again after two and a half weeks of traipsing around Claremont and Irvine and back again with a detour to Santa Barbara. At one point, I remember feeling really off and I couldn't figure it out. I sat down in a coffee shop and made myself journal everything that was going on in my life. I listed about 20 different things in transition. That's a lot. I felt better and cut myself some slack.

I'm back to wedding planning as well after the break. I'm quite sick of it to tell you the truth. Do I want to look for another cupcake stand? Another budget florist? Another way to save money from the heinous vendor fees we are racking up? At this point, I'd rather be married and living in once place rather than going back and forth from Irvine to Pasadena. I pass South Coast Plaza, Disneyland, the Asian suburbs, Santa Fe Springs, outlets, quarries, industrial waste zones, cancer research centers, and finally, home.

Oh Pdena. You are so grimy when I've been in Irvine for a week. But I love you, freeway sound and all.