Forgiveness and Indiana Jones

It's been nice to have Rosa around. Today, we had a slow morning, went our separate ways during the afternoon, missed a Taize service together, sat in silent prayer at All Saints Church, shared chicken porridge and charbroiled pork pho at Pho 79, and watched Indiana Jones at the Pacific Paseo.  

I appreciated her today because she listened to me when my thoughts kept going back and picking up conversations we had stopped a block and a half ago.  Returning to a physical space pops me right back into the last conversation I had in the place.  One example:  we stopped by my apartment before pho to get some movie tickets.  When we got back to the car, I opened the door and went right back into the conversation we had been talking about when we had parked the car.  I didn't even need to explain who "she" was that I was asking about.  Rosa flowed right along.  This usually drives other people nuts and they like to mock me even if they may know what I'm talking.  "What was that again, Hanna?  Who are you talking about?  We're not mind readers."  Thankfully, I don't need to be around annoying people like that.

I processed in this way all evening with Rosa and that, along with the time of prayer at All Saints, helped open the door to forgiveness in my heart full of anger.  Anger is a beast.  As hard as we try and get rid of it, we can't.  It sticks and sticks to us until we're soaked through and through.  Interestingly enough, Thich Naht Hanh says that you should embrace anger to the point of realizing, "I am anger."  I don't know how I feel about that.  But I've been reading Peace is Every Step and its comforting to know that people have been studying for centuries the path to peace and overcoming the anger and hurt in our souls.  Anyways, with the help of Jesus and Rosa and all of that on and off processing, I came to a place where forgiveness met me and opened up my heart.  And you know what happened?

I groaned.  I clutched my heart and let out a huge groan as we walked away from the Bank of America ATM.  Rosa was a bit startled.  She said, "Oh my gosh, I won't mention his name again."  Forgiveness is a beast too.  But a gentler beast.  Forgiveness hurts a bit more.  You are filled with longing and sadness.  But it makes you feel free.  And it makes you feel like you are more than just anger.  You are alive, full of emotion, full of heart and sadness, hurt and joy, beauty and creation.  You can be at peace with yourself even if there is so much in your heart.  There is love enough for peace.

p.s.  my laptop has a piece of plastic that is cracking off.  what is up with that?

Nude men and a beautiful walk

Rosa and I walked along the Torrey Pines Beach for a few hours today. Unbeknownst to us, a large section of the beach attracts nude men who like to walk along the coast dangling along. Some even like to run back and forth, or walk with other men. I saw some women under umbrellas but no nude women.

The cliffs and the waves are breathtaking. It was a good chance to get out lots of relational angst. Both of us had really violent and yucky dreams all night long and woke up with major anger. Maybe it was because Rosa's brother's roommates were up all night talking very loud. Or perhaps it was her brother who startled us a few times with his volatile sleeptalking. Whatever the cause, today was a day for nature to call out our anger and soothe us with its beauty.

From San Diego with love

I came down to San Diego to join Rosa who is staying with her brother to nurse her post-breakup woes. It's my second time here this week! Today, we did so much that I feel like I've been here a whole week instead of just one day.

I drove down the 15 and met Rosa and her friend at a Whole Foods. I ate some Chino strawberries I had packed in a plastic bag and ate the last bite of a cheese danish.

Rosa and I then went back to her brother's place where a friend of Helena's that we had never met before picked us up. He drove us to Phil's BBQ, where we met up with Helena and another friend to eat trays of baby back ribs and fries. So much meat and potatos. Wow. I'm not much of a meat eater. It was interesting to see my lunchmates devour ribs while talking about other rib places (notably Dinosaurs in NYC) and fantasy crushes that they stalked intentionally, including homoerotic man crush anecdotes. I'd forgotten what it's like to be single, evangelical, and repressed.

Then Rosa and I regrouped to go to Coronado Island. We rented beach cruisers for $15 for a half day from Little Sam's where a very nice guy called Dave helped us out. We rode around the island until we got to the ferry landing and then decided to take our bikes into downtown. Once we arrived, we decided to get a snack. Rosa got a peach jamba juice which dripped down my shirt and I decided to get a hot dog on a stick (it was so unmemorable i will never get it again). I had to eat the hot hot dog on a stick (yes it was very hot) very very fast because we realized we had to get back to the dock right away. We ran down the escalator, hopped on our bikes, and flew down Broadway, cutting off buses and praying that we wouldn't get hit by a car. And you know what? We got to the ferry landing with 10 minutes to spare!

We finished riding around the island and ended up at the Hotel Del Coronado where we had to marvel at the immaculate gift shops filled with things of absolutely no value: things like turquoise resort wear, white fur capes, and a whole shop devoted to white and blue spa salts. The hotel is magnificent though in its old school, vintage glamour and when we walked out onto the deck, we arrived just the sun began its blazing descent beyond the hills. (For future travelers, Coronado Island has amazing white sand. It reminded me of Hawaii)

We ate a sort of lame dinner at Panera. It was nice to sit down. And there was a young man named Nathan that Rosa enjoyed. We discussed whether she has a fetish for black men, considering her thing for Luis, a Brazilian man we met in Taize last April.

For the finale of the evening, we went to Extraordinary Desserts in downtown San Diego. Holy Smorgasbord. This is a fabulous place to come with friends, if you're feeling blue, celebratory, or just smokin hot. Rosa got the Ivoire Imperial, torte made with fine layers of vanilla bean soaked pound cake and creamy white chocolate mousse, raspberries, covered in white chocolate shavings, in a pool of tart rasberry syrup. I got the dark chocolate chai tea cookie. I love eating food that reveals layers and layers of flavor and hidden tastes the more you chew and savor the morsel. A bite of the cookie revealed a cool dry texture at first, and then it gave off a surprising burst of heat and moist dark chocolate flavor, becoming more complex with the addition of intense undertones of chai tea. The aftertaste in my mouth was decidedly rich and smoky.

We talked a lot about love, relationships, and dreams. We talked about passions, future plans, and travels. We talked about healing and hope. It was a wonderfully full day. Peace to you tonight.

traveling brainstorm

how do i travel without getting too lonely?

some ideas:
language school
homestays
work as a foreign correspondant :)
volunteer somewhere
do some kind of work

it would be great to be able to travel yet do some kind of reporting or writing.

Yoga Pants & Red Beans and Rice

I'm awful at buying things when they feel expensive. Instead of buying it right away, I'll spend hours researching cheaper alternatives and even checking back a couple times to see if the item went on sale. What usually happens is that I would have saved money and time if I had just bought the thing in the first place.

Yesterday, I had to talk myself into buying a pair of cropped yoga pants at Lululemon. I'd been eying a pair for two months and had promised myself that once I moved, I would treat myself. I had to remind myself of these things so that I wouldn't back out with the same excuse, "they're too expensive."

I got a brown pair of clam diggers, and I love them. I'm excited to wear them to yoga classes all summer long.

Last night, I partook in joy by cooking a big pot of red beans, Louisiana style. I live in an old apartment with roommates who are too busy with med school to pay attention to details like expiration dates and dust. There is a cabinet full of spices but when I opened the lids and smelled to check for any vestige of freshness, it smelled like suffocating dust. I'm going to have to pick up some new ones on my way home today to add to the pot.

Memorial Day Weekend

I love love love three day weekends, especially when I can get away.

My parents invited me to tag-a-long on their church retreat to San Diego. I got to stay at the Sheraton Marina Bay and explore the Gas Lamp Quarters. I scouted out a local bakery, Con Pane Rustic Breads & Cafe and ate a very good seeded baguette. I sat in the jacuzzi until I started sweating and had to jump in the flower shaped pool. I loved seeing super cute Korean kids running around everywhere and floating in their plastic inner tubes.

After we came back, I met up with Rosa. We ate at Sinbala in Rowland Heights. I had to hold up my belly coming out. The minced meat noodle soup was good but their boba was awful. The drinks at Sinbala in Arcadia are much better.

I'm going to join Rosa in San Diego later again this week. I'm glad she's here for the summer.

Taking care of your self

What do you think when people say, "Take care of yourself" after they run into you at a cafe or a bookstore? I've always thought it was lame. It feels good to hear it but what the hell does that mean anyways? Jesus told us to take care of other people, not ourselves. Remember, we're supposed to die to ourselves and let Christ reign in us? So if you are going through a really hard time, you know that that's when God is most evident in your life.

What a load of crap. I believed it for so long and kept wondering, why am I so depressed all the time? Why does my life feel so hard? Needless to say, I was not a pleasure to be around.

I'd woken up, and for the last year, I was determined to take care of my self. But honestly, I had no idea what that meant. I wondered if it meant indulging my foodie self by eating out at nice restaurants. Or doing the occasional splurge shopping trip and letting my fashionista self go crazy with the credit card. Or did it mean relieving my repressed sexual self with forbidden trists and rendez-vous?

Last night, I met with a friend and she treated me to homemade apple pie and soy au lait at a local cafe. It was raining and dark outside. This friend is very good at taking care of her self. She is full of life, energy, joy, and incredibly pleasant to be around. I told her, "I have no idea how to take care of my self, and it's time for me to learn. I can't keep inflicting myself or other people with my unkept life any longer! How do you do it?"

It was quite simple. She said, "Look at your life and see what gives you joy. Then keep doing that thing and make sure you do it every week."

I can do that.

Here is a starter list of things that give me joy:
yoga
cooking and feeding other people
centering prayer
veganism (this one is so hard to do)
traveling
reading
writing
studying
growing green things out of seeds
writing letters
making things with my hands (like painting, sewing, cards, flower arrangements, etc.)
hiking, being in nature
seeing good friends
living in a pretty place
trying new things
meeting new people
singing and making music

I'll start with two today. Eating with good friends and singing a song.

this summer

i will

take a letterpress class at the armory center

take yoga classes at the yoga house

clean out my old room at my parent's house

sell stuff on ebay

buy a new digital slr camera

learn how to use it

write

where i want to go

since major life changes have occurred in my life, i've realized that i have the opportunity to travel around the world! i have always wanted to do that and can't wait.

here are some thoughts:

august: stay with steph rue and enjoy san francisco while taking a printing class.

places to go:
turkey
france, taize--does anybody have a friend in paris i can stay with?
cinque terre, italy
switzerland
norway--to see kristina
england--to see friends
singapore--teresa and carl
bangkok, thailand--michelle and lexie
japan--to see the millards
bali, indonesia
new zealand

it seems prudent to pick three major places and stay for a while. i hate traveling so much that you end up hating it.

here are some goals:
fun
exploration
rest
healing
fluency in french
adventure

Silence by Shusaku Endo

When I read books, I wait for a feeling to hit me at the end.  I want to be moved...to joy, to sadness, to pathos, something.  I will usually judge a book by how much I am moved.  I've read books with stellar, epic narratives that are expertly weaved together.  But if it doesn't leave me with an exquisite pang about the human experience, I feel like it wasn't worth it.  When I read Silence by Shusaku Endo, I was filled with a very tangible sense of grace and an ache and awe for the mystery of faith.  It was hard and profound.  It makes you confront the weakness of religion and human psyche's strugggle to pursue an ideal that will never be as wonderful as you thought it would be.  And yet it shows the human desire to keep pursuing a faith that lives in our hearts no matter how much society or ourselves want to beat it out.   Although the events took place in Japan during the 1500s, I felt grace transcending from the narrative to my mind and soul as I read the book in my new apartment.  It gave me what I needed to get through a hard day.

A daily reading and mediation

The Fire of God's Forgiveness

Who will make level for you the paths leading to the fountains of living water? There, and only there, the vital energy needed for risk-taking comes flowing.

You ask yourself: "How can I find fulfillment?" You are not interested in a settled life, with no risks; you long to make something of your life.

Waste no time in dead-end situations; you would be using up vital energy. No self-indulgence. Move on, without a moment's hesitation. Your heart will grow wider as you discover that our life finds fulfillment only in the presence of God.

You say to yourself: how can I find fulfillment when images from the past or present-day situations cover the wellsprings and awaken clinging regret?

Never forget: God takes care of all your cares.

And even when the meaning of life gets lost, a spark of light blazes up. It lights up your night. God's love is a fire...

The fire of his forgiveness flames deep within you, dispelling your own confusion. He calls you by name. That fire burns the very roots of bitterness. That fire never says "enough."

(p. 34. Brother Roger of Taize. The Sources of Taize. Chicago: GIA Publications, Inc. 2000)

Brother Roger understands the confusion that paralyzes and clouds the contemporary mind so well. I read this excerpt this morning and stopped to let it sink in. Forgiveness dispels confusion. When you hit a dead end, move on without a moment's thought and seek life. Life is abundant and to be found elsewhere, everywhere.

Sally Field and the flying nun

I've never seen the movie. But at my favorite local retreat center, there are pictures of Sally Field in her ridiculous outfit hoisted over the retreat grounds where the movie was filmed. I think I would like a hat like that where after hiking to the highest point nearby, I can jump off and fly away. With a big goofy smile of course.