Working through being Unsettled

I was walking around Los Feliz today, waving my arms around and telling Lydia, "I just feel so unsettled and being unsettled makes me feel like I can't plunge myself into work."

She thought for a moment and then said, "I've found that when I'm unsettled, plunging myself into work makes me feel settled."

Alright, alright. I get it. It's that vicious paradox. You have to work through the disturbing feelings and the constants are what makes you feel sane in the end.

I have less than 3 months till marriage. Lydia suggested writing a novel during that time. And then she laughed and said, "Is that too unrealistic?"

Maybe. But I told J. about it and he decided to give me some structure and goals.

1. Write a short story by the end of January.
2. Apply to 10 jobs.
3. Go to sleep at the same hour and wake up at the same time.
4. Exercise five times a week.
5. No more dairy and meat.

I have been reduced to asking other people for structure. We even signed a written contract with an unspecified reward at the end when I fulfill these goals. Hey, it works for me. I need it. Otherwise I start floating around like a gay bubble, feeling unanchored and entirely vapid and pointless. The doldrums of being a type 4.

I started two short stories. I started reading Angels Crest by former writing instructor Leslie Schwartz. And even though I'm broke, I bought What I Talk About When I Talk About Running, a memoir by Haruki Murakami.