unreal perfection

I suppose one of the hardest things about my relationship with J. is how much other people loved us. They said everything from "You guys are the perfect couple" to "You just seem to fit in a way that most don't" to "I just love you two together. LOVE IT."

It seemed like us being together brought so much joy to others. I was flattered but it confused me. Sometimes their joy seemed greater than mine, and I couldn't see why I couldn't have that same feeling of "perfection" or "fitting" that others seemed to perceive.

I tried to believe we were perfect, ignoring my doubts and confusion. I beat myself up for not appreciating him enough, us enough. I felt like a selfish bitch. I wondered if something was wrong with me. I analyzed us to bits. In the end, it was such a tangled mess that I didn't know if the analysis and obsession had ended us or if it had been rooted in something real earlier on.

I think that what I'm realizing now is how much it is easier to think that we are not ok but others are. It's very easy to project unattainable perfection and idealization on others. But whether or not others think something about me or us, what matters most is how I am truly doing. The idealization, the projection, the fantasy, doesn't amount to anything but confusion and strain. What matters most is the present, the reality, however painful that may be.