Holy Shit

Holy shit. I just had a holy shit moment.

Sarah asked me last week, what is the feeling you get when you are closest with God?

For her, it was feeling absolutely free, as if she was on the top of a cliff with her arms stretched out wide facing the ocean.

I had a difficult time answering that question for a number of convoluted theological reasons. But after a while, I mustered up some words that seemed true.

I said, I think that it's feeling completely accepted. Completely loved. And because of that acceptance, I am free to be myself. But initially, it is about being completely accepted. Nothing is fundamentally wrong with me.

I walked away from that conversation genuinely intrigued and perturbed. What did I feel when I was closest with God? It had been such a long time since I had had an emotional experience with God. Centering prayer does wonders for walking with God but it's not about overwhelming feelings.

The last time I had a really emotional encounter with God was when I went to Taize, France in April 2007. I thought about that time, how I had sung in Latin, French, and German, and burst into tears. How I had sobbed and sobbed because the love of God just surrounded me in that place, penetrating all of my deepest fears and worries and hate. I felt absolutely accepted. I felt absolutely safe. In the end, I left France a new woman. Free to be herself, bathed in the light of God.

I was just talking with Ben now about something completely different. He was saying how he is very analytical and logical and loves creativity but lacks it. That's why he looks for creativity in a partner. That made sense to me. Of course we would look for something we lack in a partner.

What did I look for in a partner? It wasn't creativity. Was it rationality, stability? And then it hit me. Holy Shit. I look for safety. Not a stagnant comfort zone. But a person who will completely accept me and make me feel safe for who I am. That was one of the first things that drew me to J. I felt safe to be myself with him--safer with him than anyone else in the world. Free to be myself. The thing that broke me away from him was that I didn't feel safe anymore. I didn't feel free.

I suppose this may not seem that groundbreaking to folks. But it is to me. I never realized how I was looking for what I needed from God in a partner. Or that both are connected. I don't know what the implications for this are. But it was definitely a lightbulb moment.