Letting yourself off the hook

We were eating chicken at Zankou, making our way through the garlic butter and pickled radish.  We were talking about my pet peeves.  And then she did it.  Rosa pointed out to me, "You've said several times in this conversation, 'People need to get their act together.'  Do you realize that?"  She gave me that fierce quiet look, and I took it in.

She was right.  I do say that a lot, with vehemence, with indignation.  When I see people flopping around, making excuses, unable to do what they say they are going to do, I become angry.  I see it as weak-willed, flakey, or unable "to get your act together."  I roll my eyes and basically act heinous and rude and judgmental and wage on and on about why those people just can't get their act together.

I have enough wisdom in my young life to know that whatever you expect of others, you expect of yourself.  I feel like this ties to my feelings about marriage, and how I have such high standards for myself and my status at the time of said wedding.  

My friend Z. said to me once in my state of anxiety, "Why don't you just let yourself off the hook?"  She was quite emphatic and looked at me like I was deranged for giving myself such a hard time.

My writing teacher has also said to me, "You are so hard on yourself.  Don't be."

They are all right.  I give myself a hard time about everything.  That is why I get depressed, so sad about my failings, and paralyzed, unable to move or even think about existing a moment longer.  I demand myself to get my act together.  But it's not possible.  There is no way that I can be all that I feel like I should be in this moment.

Sister Loreta, a spiritual director at Mercy Center, said something that has always stuck with me.  "Life has enough suffering.  Why create it?  Why pursue it?  Do the thing you love.  Do what makes you thrive.  Don't worry, suffering will come your way.  But when it does, you can be assured that it is just part of life, not something you are creating unnecessarily.  LIVE."

I think I'm trying to figure out how to love someone yet live in such a way that I thrive with that person.  I hope I learn this mysterious balance.  I hope it does not allude me much longer. 

Here's to letting yourself off the hook, Hanna.  You don't have your act together.  And it's ok. It's really ok.  One step at a time.  One thriving full step at a time.