Summer produce and cold showers

Today was looking like it was set to be a painful heart throbbing day.  It was 102 degrees in San Dimas, and I felt lost, trying to follow wisdom yet suffering inside.

I drove back home in a tumult of feelings:  anger, pain, confusion, sadness, angst.  I was squinting against the ultra bright sunlight.  No matter how I positioned the visors (is that what they are called?), my body and face were lit up.  Even the pavement of the freeway took on a strange white glow under the harsh afternoon sun.  

I started analyzing my feelings without thinking, and then I decided to stop.  I said my sacred word and practiced releasing and accepting my feelings.  I tried smiling like Thich Naht Han suggests because whether or not you feel like it, it is the most relaxing position for your facial muscles.  I then began to see that the harsh light and driving conditions (traffic) were probably contributing to my overall outlook on life.  I decided to accept this as well and stop overthinking my depressed mood.  I turned on NPR and listened to thoughtful interviews of people who have downsized their life due to gas prices and the economic downturn.

I braved the heat and went to the Farmer's Market in South Pas, a weekly ritual I am wanting to establish.  I found easy parking in a Catholic school lot nearby and sampled fruit--rainier cherries, sugar plums, and white peaches.  I strolled along the booths, admiring the purple tinted green onions, fresh Korean cucumbers, and plump red tomatoes.  By the time I walked back to my car, my arms were heavy with plastic (working on that one) bags and my spirit was light.  Even though I hate the heat, I was pleasantly sticky.  Even though I was afraid and stressed today about this fall and about my job and desperately wanting to escape and wondering if I should leave my apartment after all, I found a small bit of happiness and contentment.  It does wonders for your soul to buy your food from farmers, outside, and in your neighborhood.

I came back, sat around sticky some more, actually didn't mind sitting around sticky, finished up the baby shower invites after figuring out how to glue the ribbon to close the flaps, and took a cold cold shower.  I feel like I can live.  Another day where I love myself and have some hope.  Another day where I love reality more than fantasy.

A discovery:

Starbucks retail stores give away a free itunes download every week on their revolving music rack.  This week's is Dream by Priscilla Ahn.  

An embarassing moment:

A very nice woman who was standing behind me listening to a clown/guitar singer entertain her little daughter very subtly pointed out to me that I must pay attention to the back of my waistline.  I thought my underwear was sticking out.  Oh no, it was toilet paper.  SWEET.