A seed must die

I sang for the first time in a while with the World Music Mass service at my church. One song, an oldie. And my mike didn't even sound like it was on. But it was nice to try something new that was actually something old.

Afterwards, six of us went to Pho 79 and had dinner. We stayed until they kicked us out. For a while, I felt like I had food coma and wasn't my normal talkative self. Later on, I was able to interject some comments between Chitra's garrulous storytelling and Stephen's philosophical waxing and waning.

But when I finally said goodbye and walked by myself to my car in the parking garage while everyone else went up another level, I realized that what I was feeling wasn't a quiet or a loss of words--it was sadness. It was a broken heart. However broken my love had been for J., I had loved him deeply. I am grieving the loss.

I think Chitra could see it because she put her arm around me and walked me out of the restaurant, telling me to enjoy life and to not even think, just enjoy. And Won Jae and Roger took care to give me warm hugs.

I sat in my car and started to cry.

Some words stick with me from this beautiful evening.

A seed must die for it to come to life.

We are spirits on a human journey. (Native American Dakotas)

Vocation is where the world's greatest need and a person's greatest joy meet. (Frederick Buechner)

The world does not owe you anything. (The late Tim Russert's mantra)

a seed must die...