My brother, the rock star

My brother is playing at the Ford Amphitheater this Saturday, August 2. Come join us.

Travel Updates: Bali

After my initial freakout this last weekend over traveling to Bali by myself for a couple weeks, I decided to take a chill pill and enjoy. This is about vacation, I need to enjoy the process!

I have a couple of options for going to Bali.

1. is a yoga/spa retreat with zenbali. The pros are being with a group of people and getting pampered up the wazoo. You do yoga everyday, get all your meals cooked for you, and you get a spa treatment everyday. HELLO!

2. is a stay at Sri Sunari, a delightful 4 room guest house. Each room gets its own little patio and it is set amidst the rice paddies. This place would provide solitude, space to write, and a chance to explore life. Excellent tripadvisor reviews.

During my second week, I plan on going to a coastal town and learning how to surf.

Food: Vietnamese Ice Cream Popsicles

Espresso and condensed milk. These look slurpalicious!

Dreams and Sleeping

I have been having the strangest dreams lately.

One night, I dreamt that I was dating one of my younger brother's old friends from high school.

The other night, I dreamt that my good friend, a Young Life director, was 6 months pregnant and marrying a born again Christian dad of two little girls from previous relationships.

Last night, I dreamt that Obama was my dentist and charged me over $4,000 for a 45 minute checkup and consultation. I was PISSED. He misled me in the dream and I remember analyzing his political savvy, the way he made me feel like I could trust him. The dream ended with him getting ready for a rally and me playing basketball with his two little girls as his wife Michelle watched with a big smile.

Strange dreams? yes.

I've also been having anxiety the moment I wake up and I finally connected my sleeping environment with my mental and emotional state when I woke up. Do you know that almost every day, I wake up to the sound of a baby crying in one the of the apartments facing the courtyard? This baby cries in the middle of the night, definitely early in the morning and will cry for hours. The crying sounds are really strange too. Sometimes it sounds like an owl. And the baby always sounds as if it is in distress. There are varying pitches of distress but the disturbing thing is that it is always neglected. The baby sounds utterly alone, crying in the darkness, crying for someone to come pick it up, and then finally falling into exhaustion before starting up again a few minutes later.

I lay awake this morning, my chest tight, fretting. And then I realized, actually, this has nothing to do with me. If the baby stops crying, I feel fine. When the baby cries, it stresses me out. Time for an environmental change! I'm glad I am going away and not coming back.

Travel Hopes

What do I want from this 6 week Asia bonanza I will be embarking on come September 10?

I want to be tickled with new experiences. I want to be empowered as I travel on my own and in different places. I want to find tranquility and rest. I want to read a lot. I want to write a lot. I want to take walks and make new friends, overcoming shyness. I want to listen a lot, to God, myself, and give myself the space to BE. I want to pray.

Things to bring:

I originally wanted to pack light and bring a carryon but for my personal retreat in Bali, I'm going to need a ton of books!

Fiction

Writing books

Spiritual books

Bible

travel books

yup that's a lot right there. heavy.

laptop? hmm... or should i just bring a ton of notebooks? wendell berry style

camera

travel hot summer friendly clothes

small gifts for hosts

a nice pair of walking shoes

a two piece and a one piece swimming suit

digital camera

any other ideas?

Final Letterpress and Knick Knacks

What a day!  It was filled with ups and downs, donut man, subway, prescriptions, podiatrists, fruit, gifts, unexpected answers to prayer, and my final letterpress class.  4 weeks went by fast!

I'm going to take letterpress again in the fall.  In my 4 weeks of class, I made three different sets of stationary, 100 pieces.  Now it's on to making plans for travel.

Japan

Bali

Singapore/Malaysia

Thailand

An answer to prayer--a woman in my class heard I was going to Japan and had incredible recommendations for me on where to eat, visit, and shop, including a list of craft stores.  Wow, I really needed that!

Off to do find some accommodations in Bali.

Contemplative Anxiety

This week challenged much of what I have been learning as a fledgling contemplative.

Drama over housing escalated each day until Saturday night, the only way I could make myself sleep was to think of everything I was grateful for. It was either that or gnawing anxiety.

Sunday, I had a wonderful time touching base with friends B. and G. on our spiritual lives. We all had very stressful weeks and it was good to be encouraged by each other's journeys.

I also read more of Centering Prayer and Inner Awakening by Cynthia Bourgeault. It is such a fantastic book and helps synthesize and bridge my theological backgrounds and leanings. One thing she said shocked me. She said centering prayer reduces anxiety in the beginning but then actually increases anxiety after the initial learning phase. That's because your unconscious starts unloading all your repressed pain and memories and brings it to the surface. That is part of the healing process.

When I read that, I thought, are you kidding me? Is my increased anxiety level due to not only life situations but my centering prayer Jesus love time? I got over my initial shock however and decided to be encouraged instead. I often get anxious about the fact that I am anxious. I want to fix the anxiety or stop it and start being hard on myself for being anxious. I think the word Thomas Keating uses is "recrimination." It's good to know that sometimes, you're anxious and there are good reasons for it. You just let it percolate and you move on, just like you do in centering prayer.

Food: Vermont Turkey Sandwich

Just finished a Vermont Turkey Sandwich from Lovebirds Cafe and Bakery in Pasadena, Ca.  Juicy layers of fresh turkey, vermont cheddar cheese, slices of green apple, dijon, lettuce, and a touch of mayo on Dr. Sprye bread (raisin, nuts, wheat, rye).  Eaten with Mrs. Vickies Jalapeno chips and a splash of Tabasco.  Water with lemon.

Delicious.

Daily Song: Feist on Sesame Street

I saw Feist last Sunday at the Hollywood Bowl. She is one sweet rocker lady. Here she is on Sesame Street.

Daily Readings: It's Botox for you, Dear Bridesmaids

This article is disgusting. Why does it matter if bridesmaids have small boobs or wrinkles? I really don't understand how a walk down the aisle could elicit so much money and cosmetic treatment--they're just bridesmaids for goodness sake!

6 left

6 yoga classes left till August 10th.

Learning about your body through Iyengar yoga

Yesterday, I tried Iyengar yoga for the first time. Even though I've been doing vinyasa flow yoga for some time, I felt out of place. First of all, everyone in class faced a different wall. The teacher looked like a woman in tiny cotton shorts and white limber legs. And he spoke gibberish. At first I thought he was English, then Irish, and then he started barking commands in German so by the end of the class, I thought he is for sure German. Except his last name is Cabanis. Doesn't sound German to me.

He was part Nazi, part Hindu, part nymph, part leprechaun yoga instructor. He started us off with Hindu chants and then said, "This is Iyengar yoga. Welcome to the third circle of hell." Insert evil laugh.

He marched around with a stick and would point at your leg or abs or something that was too low or too high and tell you to move it down or up or sideways. He loved whipping that stick around. If he was giving a demonstration and the class didn't move fast enough over to look, he would start talking really fast and hard like a German nanny. Git over here! Git over here! Git over here!
Iyengar yoga is intense about the exact way to hold a pose. Once you learn exactly what all your muscles are supposed to be doing, your chest lifted high, the skin of your hip bone stretching one way, while your back inner leg pulls up, and your organs are held in place, then you hold it for a few long minutes. When I listened carefully and tried to do everything he asked of us, I was surprised to find myself breaking up in a sweat over my entire body while I held my body still. Something about those poses release heat like nobody's business.

I learned that when I do a shoulder stand, I put all my weight on my left shoulder. Cabanis walked over and took my vertical legs with both arms and lifted it...but couldn't. He said, Oh stubborn body! That's when I realized, damn, my body is heavy! He said, that is your problem. Your body really does not want to go up. And you are on one shoulder. Do you feel that?

I did. Wow, my left shoulder was hurting and I didn't even notice it. The instructor in all his idiosyncracies was very good about understanding each student's weaknesses and the ways their bodies compensated in unhealthy ways. It made me feel self conscious and suddenly aware of how my left shoulder hangs lower and how I walk kind of crooked. Oh dear.

Overall I had fun. It was a nice change of pace from the sensitive heart opening yoga I've become so accustomed to. And learning how to hold a pose correctly would definitely help your Vinyasa practice. But it was intense. Surrounded by all those fit no fat people, getting my buttocks and legs lifted into the year by my German instructor, and trying to stretch the skin of my hip when i don't even know what that means and realizing my body balance is completely off...woweeee. It was interesting. I'm gonna give it some time before I do it again.

Poll: to dslr or not to dslr

my friend s. explained, dslr = digital slr. oh right.

that was one of my summer goals which have been pushed down the priorities list as i've juggled traveling plans, leaving work, considering a new lease. yeah, there's a lot going on.

I've got three weeks before I take off for the first leg of my journey to Japan.

So what do you think? Should I try to get a digital slr in these next three weeks for my 5-6 week trek through Asia?

Answer aye or naye with a reason in the comments section please.

Daily Readings: The Weird, Wild and, Ultimately, Sublime

Spaghetti to go in an ice cream cone

If I could choose three words to describe myself or the way I see life, I would choose the ones in this title. Here's a nice little crash course on the wonders of eating in Seoul.

I think I've eaten here before.

I've definitely eaten this french fried encrusted deep fried corn dog.

These carts full of hot fresh fast food are everywhere.

I am salivating. Slideshow here.

challenge yourself

i came across a good friend, J.V., and his soon to be fiance at jenny and rob's wedding last week. he has recently decided to go to law school after starting an m.s. in social work and dropping out. he'd been wanting to do that for so long that i had to ask, why law school? what made you change your mind?

he said quite simply: i asked myself what i could do to challenge myself. because i want to keep challenging myself and growing...otherwise, it doesn't hold any appeal for me. social work didn't challenge me and it wasn't who i am. once i started, i could tell it wasn't a good fit.

i left that conversation intrigued and inspired.

#1 he tried something he had really wanted to do yet had the grace to recognize when it wasn't working for him and leave it

#2 he thinks of vocation as finding work that is challenging and of his true self. he'll be studying immigration reform and human rights...something that completely fits him.

For the last couple of years, I've been repeating this mantra of "What do you want?" For so long, I had felt deprived of exploring my desires and living from my heart, only knowing what was "right" or "wrong" according to religion, parents, people in authority. I embraced exploring what I wanted with gusto. Yet, I have reached a point in that journey where I feel stuck. There is more to life than knowing what you want. Challenging yourself means not just being happy that you're getting everything that you want. It means being stretched, learning something new, possibly being humiliated, definitely rejected, and coming out alive and new and different at the end.

I'm ready to move from "what I want" to "how can i challenge myself." I talked about this with my friend B. over french dipped sandwiches at Philippe's the next day. He said, "I feel caught between being happy to be content with my life now and being discontented, wanting more and better." He described the tension and dichotomy of finding happiness well.

The beauty of how my friend J.V. put it is this: You are happy and content to challenge yourself now. Not only is there deep happiness from accepting all of who you are and your present circumstances, there is happiness in seeking to grow and challenge yourself. No need for discontentment. You can have both.

I asked myself on Sunday, how can I challenge myself?

Here it is:
By October 1st, write one song and write 100 pages of my novel.

Letterpress Milestones

Yesterday, I created my very first letterpress stationery! Woohoo. I felt like I had reached a personal milestone. I handled that Vandercook press with care and attention and voila--I have beautiful orangey-red printed notecards--simple, chic, and modern. I also set type for a new print. After a slow start last week, I'm on a roll.

Next week is my last class but I plan on signing up in the fall for a full semester. Can't wait.

Happy Tuesday everyone.

Etsy seller: tellittothemountain

Among my favorite fellow workers are a couple, Ken and Francine. They have a daughter at NYU that they just adore, and I have to say, she seems like one fly chick. She's a film student, and while she was home on summer break, she decided to start selling her thrift store finds on etsy. She's already made some sales, and she is super excited. I love creative women who follow thru and try something new.

Check her store out. She's the one modeling the clothes.

She took self portraits using gorrillapod. I need to get me one of those for my travels.

Maria's Baby Shower

Last week, I co-hosted a shower for my dear friend Maria. She's due in October. Here are some pics from the day. It turned out effortlessly beautiful, rustic, and serene. It was held at the Myra House.
Here's beautiful Maria opening her presents.


Here's the spread. Doesn't it look like we are in Provence?
We decorated onesies with fabric paint and hung them up before hand as decor.
And the Claremont girls. Looks how we've grown up. I've known Maria since 5th grade.

Wedding Madness!

This is possibly the longest I've gone without blogging since I started. That's because Thursday I had a wedding rehearsal to go to, Friday, I woke up early, worked the downtown flower district, made flowers all day, collapsed, slept, woke up today and coordinated a wedding for the first time! I did some Mcgiver like troubleshooting by putting together a yellow tulip boutonniere that completely fell apart by binding all the petals together with floral tape. I attached another loose one to the stem with a wire. I found a cold compress for a little boy who accidentally splashed hot wax on his eyelid.  The bouquets were a hit. I made new friends and better friends with people I like. Everything was beautiful minus one angry groom's stepmom. People kept saying, put yourself on the knot. Or, you should start your business. My answer, HELL NO. Are you kidding me? I just do this for people I love. A lot. and then some.

Here's to you Rob and Jenny! Have the best two weeks of your life in Italy and I'm glad I could help.

Pictures will be coming in a long while. As soon as their photographer gets back to them :)

Daily Video Part 2: Team Hoyt

This video explains Team Hoyt's story and background. It is amazing.

Daily Video: My Redeemer Lives--Team Hoyt

At centering prayer group today, I was talking about running with K.
She's a regular runner and she's done a marathon and a mini-triathlon.
Talking about triathlons reminded me of Team Hoyt, whose video set to
Nicole Mullen singing "My Redeemer Lives" gets me every time. I'd like
to do a mini-triathlon sometime, just for fun, just to get through it and
say hey I did it! Let me know if you cried.

Belly of the Whale

I read this paragraph in Hope Against Darkness by Richard Rohr and resonated with his articulation of change, pain, and letting go.  It gave me hope, another piece of bread for the journey.  There is life giving transformation that can come from unwanted change and pain in our lives.  I hope you are encouraged, all those facing a relationship or situation that hasn't happened the way you wanted it to.

from chapter four

The word change normally refers to new beginnings.  But transformation, the mystery we're examining, more often happens not when something new begins but when something old falls apart.  The pain of something old falling apart--chaos--invites the soul to listen at a deeper level.  It invites, and sometimes forces the soul to go to a new place because the old place is falling apart.  Most of us would never go to new places in any other way.  The mystics use many words to describe this chaos:  fire, darkness, death, emptiness, abandonment, trial, the Evil One.  Whatever it is, it does not feel good and it does not feel like God.  You will do anything to keep the old thing from falling apart.  This is when you need patience and guidance, and the freedom to let go instead of tightening your controls and certitudes.   

A change can force a transformation.  Spiritual transformation always includes a usually disconcerting reorientation.  It can either help people to find a new meaning, or it can force people to close down and turn slowly bitter.  The difference is determined precisely by the quality of our inner life, our spirituality.  Change just happens, but transformation is always a process of letting go, living in the confusing dark space for awhile, and eventually being spit up on a new and unexpected shore.  You can see why Jonah in the belly of the whale is such an important symbol for many Jews and Christians.  God lets Jonah run in the wrong direction, but finds a long, suffering, circuitous path to get him back where he needs to be--and in spite of himself!  That is patient inner transformation.  

I never want to go through what Jonah did.  But it makes sense as a symbol.  Most of us have been there and can testify that once you're spit up, you're grateful to have arrived.  We will all get there.

Daily Readings: Lessons in Love, by Way of Economics

A nice twist to the familiar essay on finding true love, written by an economist, appropriately referred to me by friend B., an investment banker. Finding new language to talk about a mystery as old and complex as love is a good thing.

Correction:  B. is not an investment banker.  He's in finance though, and he's an analytic genius.

CAFFEINE

i think caffeine = contemplative failure + unable to be present.

My coworker asked me this morning if I wanted Starbucks. I said, ooo yes! And then I remembered drinking coffee every morning last week and feeling absolutely jittery, nervous, diarrheatic, and frankly hysterical.

I declined the coffee. And then at lunch, I had an awful chile relleno burrito that was begging for the cold carbonized feeling of a free pepsi from the office refrigerator. Fast forward 30 minutes later and I'm wondering why I'm bouncing on my chair and unable to concentrate. Hanna, avoid caffeine. It just does not work for you when your life is in transition and you need every calming cell in your body to get through the day.

Kurt Vonnegut on Writing Better

here is a nice post on writing better from 43folders.com.

A new baby!

My friend Amy just had a baby: Jackson Kirkwood Maguinness. This kid has a lot of spelling to do.
Amy and I went to elementary school, junior high, high school, and church together. She married her family friend and childhood sweetheart Josh and together, they are quite the darling suburban couple, happy to be married young, start a brood, and sell Mary Kay makeup. She sent out a mass picture via cellphone--they are so cute but the baby's head is alarmingly big!

educating girls

there is something in greg mortensen's dream of educating girls that makes my heart jump. i need to do something with women and education.

i would like to make a difference in the world with a vocation that i love. as a retired korean american sociology of religion professor exclaimed to my friend L., "if you're not happy, nobody around you is going to be happy! you need to do what makes you happy!"

What do you Want to do?

It's monday morning and a good time to ask yourself again, what do you want to do? If you could do anything, if you had no fears, no reservations, no pressures or obligations, what would you do? how would you live your life?

at this moment, i would go to journalism school. i would live in france. i would find new love. i would grow green things. i would interview and write my own stories. i would dance. i would walk and see beauty. i would expand my heart's ability to see. i would write.

Words from a friend

A good friend sent me a note with words that helped her get through a hard time. They are good words.

"The woman who can articulate the movements of her inner life, who can give names to her varied experiences, need no longer be victim of herself, but is able slowly and consistently to remove the obstacles that prevent the spirit from entering. She is able to create space for Him whose heart is greater than hers, whose eyes see more than hers, and whose hands can heal more than hers." -The Wounded Healer, p.38.

"See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?" - Isaiah 43:19

Gray Summer Days

I look out my office window and see gray fading to faint blue and white clouds. I can almost feel the sighing melancholy of the blanket sky. I listen to "Last Goodbye" by Jeff Buckley. It's a gray summer day. And my heart is a gray summer heart. Lover-less, roommate-less, I feel my aloneness.

I remember what Natalie Goldberg says in Writing Down the Bones. She says, loneliness is part of the human condition. She says she has been lonely much of her life.

So this is freedom. This is the single life. This is why people look and buy the lover's disguise and weep until they find their one true love.

You are what you read

"You are what you read."

If this is true, what are you?

Or

What do you need to read to be who you want to be?

Making decisions

Snippets of wisdom about making decisions has been coming to me recently from very unlikely sources. Perhaps I am present enough to hear them.

One day at the Yoga House, I flipped through a modern translation of the Bhagavad Gita and saw a passage that said something like, "any action is better than inaction." Interesting.

Today, when I interviewed the Interim President, he quoted some famous general whose name I can't remember and said, a good leader never gets paralyzed and makes decisions. If you get paralyzed, everyone around you gets paralyzed. Nothing happens. But if you make a decision, even if you have no idea what you are doing and it is a mistake, it at least allows other people to either agree or disagree with you. Nobody is paralyzed, everyone is still active. And if you have good people around you, they will let you know that it is a mistake. And then you will know what to do from there. Never get paralyzed. Just make a decision.

Sound advice. I like it. Paralysis has been an unwelcome friend the past few years. Goodbye, so long, adios sucka.

things I love: interviewing, wedding flowers, silk tunics

yesterday, i did a practice run of flower arranging for J.V. who is getting married next Saturday.

we were up to our necks in hydrangeas, lysanthia, freesia, coffee beans, sprays, and fillers.

it was fun. i love doing things with my hands. i'm looking at the flower bouquets right now. they are sitting on a vase on my desk. they look kind of like the bouquet above except that there are white and yellow lysanthia in it. update: i don't think lysanthia is the actual word. i can't find any google images of it.  correction:  lisianthus--picture below

i also just interviewed the new interim president of my workplace. i love interviewing people! i need a job where i interview people all day and write their stories. this time, i was just interviewing him because i was deemed the best person to write an executive resume in the entire school. never done it before. but at least i know how to google executive resume samples and find something to copy.

i'm wearing a teal blue silk tunic from jcrew. it's fun to wear something different and feel glamorous at work.

Imagine this girl in teal.

new books

i got new books in the mail yesterday!

Contemplative Prayer and Inner Awakening
Living Buddha, Living Christ
Middlemarch (I've never ready this George Elliot classic)

I love books.

trouble

i get myself into a lot of trouble and anguish when i try to do things i am not ready for.

mon oncle

i saw my uncle briefly this morning after my mom harassed me into coming home last night and changing my plans to see him before he took off for the airport. i went to bed last night without seeing him because he came home late. and today, when he got into the minivan to be driven to the airport, i finally got to say hi. bye. i also said goodbye to my dear halmuni.

it's always a barrel of laughs, a hectic unpredictable time, when the kangs get together. they do a lot of yelling, saying of unfounded threats, and laughing at each other's absurd antics.

when i saw my uncle in the minivan, i kept myself from gasping. he was slight. he's always been a big man, thick, overweight? and today, he was very very thin, the skin around his elbows sagging in rings, his face almost unrecognizable. there he was, the uncle who picked me up from elementary school, the uncle whose fancy wedding i had been a flower girl at in korea, the uncle who had been the player, the uncle who inherited his father-in-law's shipping fortune and lost it, the uncle who now barely makes rent running an Afro-American beauty shop in Memphis, Tennessee, the uncle who wants to move back to LA. mon oncle etique.

hello samchun. i can tell you have suffered a lot. your purity shines through your loose skin. the sharpness is gone from your eyes. the laughter has softened into seeing. you smile and there are gaps in your teeth. i can feel your kindess. i can feel your suffering. you have been through a lot. so this is life.

Being Ready

When you're not ready, you're not ready. There's nothing you can do. You can't force it. Even if you want to. The worst is when you try and force it and then collapse in pain. It's painful not to be ready for something you really want to be ready for. When did I get it into my head that it is possible to force myself to get ready? It's a dead end.

I was reading a little bit of this blog today and the author, a successful blogger mom, writes a letter to her four year old about being ready/not ready. It articulates the reality of readiness well.

"We spent seven days in Florida, and although we tried to get you to enjoy the beach you would not put your feet down and touch the sand. So you spent the majority of the time in the pool. It was a little sad not to have created a few memories of us together on the beach building castles or dipping our toes in the ocean, but if there is one unassailable truth that we keep butting up against as your parents it's that you will try something new only when you are damn well ready. This has been true of every milestone in your short four years here, from sitting up to crawling to walking, from eating and sleeping to meeting new people. Everything is and has been a battle, and the more we try to force something the more you resist. Our instinct as parents is to panic and try to fix the problem when in reality there is no problem. You are just taking your time. And really, all you want from us is to give you that time."

Wow, big breath. The thing that I keep hearing from God, all the way from a spiritual director in San Francisco down to San Dimas in my tower office and everywhere I go is that I need to take my time. When I panic, when I wish so desperately to be at a place that I am not, God says, "Take your time." It's hard to hear that for months on end when all you want is to be in a certain place.

The mom blogger continues:
"On the last night of our vacation we were out getting dinner at a restaurant on the beach when suddenly I looked up and saw you running after the two kids who had been with us all week. On the beach. In the sand. WITHOUT SHOES. All of us just sat there in silence and stared. I know it sounds weird to say that I was proud of you for walking on the beach, but there it is, I WAS SO PROUD. That moment was just a continuation of so many other moments when you were saying to us, hey, everything is fine, I'm just deciding for myself when I'm ready. And right now I'm ready."

One day, I will be ready. My desires, my will, my heart will all sync and scream READY and you will run like your butt is on fire. But until then, take your time. Take your time. It's another way of being gentle to yourself, having compassion for yourself, living from your center, finding the strength to accept all that you are, and walk in the love of God. You are doing just fine, right where you are at.

After hearing about The Inner Voice of Love from my Claremont friends and reading the Amazon reviews, I think it's high time I started reading this one as well. I have about ten books going at the same time right now! It is apparently quite the breakup/depression/suffering book.

Letterpress Printing class!

Tonight, I took my first letterpress printing class at the Armory Center for Arts in Pasadena. Denise, the director, had us jump right in.  We got to see how a Vanderbilt press works, as well as another one (can't remember the name).  I looked at type and talked book art with Denise.  It was so much fun!  Finally, a place where I can get all my questions answered and talk paper, font, printing methods, plates, coasters etc.

It felt really good to do something so hands on yet still work with words and art.  I am tired of the computer, and it was refreshing to use the mind in such a different, tactile way.

I met some fun classmates too.  Taking a class about what you love is a great way to meet cool people.  At this rate, I want to keep taking a class every quarter.  What a nice outlet.

I learned that letterpress is the oldest mass printing method.  The Gutenberg Bible was made with a letterpress printer.  I did a history project on that in high school.

First project I'm going to work on:

Personalized stationary (cards, letters, envelopes)

musings 8

Note to self: the quest for perfection makes you unhappy. perfection makes you controlling. Perfection is a response to anxiety, about not being in control.

Running

I hate running. But I think I might actually pick it up again. It seems good for your self esteem, setting goals, meeting them, eventually doing a half marathon, marathon, and feeling like a champ. I need activities that make me feel empowered and strong.

Daily Readings: John McCain can't use a computer

This is interesting. John McCain admits to being computer illiterate. Wowsers.

Food Review: St. Andre Cheese

When I was at M.F.'s for the 4th, he introduced me to St. Andre cheese. I had to email him just now to find out what that creamy yummy spreadable cheese with a stronger zip than brie had been.

I went to Trader Joe's to find it and ended up getting a blue cheese creamy version that isn't all that great. Makes me feel a little sick. Try St. Andre with stone wheat crackers and lentil soup. Delish.

The Journey

A good friend B. sent me this poem via email.  Lovely lovely poem.  Wish I'd written it.

The Journey
by Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice–
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do–
determined to save
the only life you could save.

Happy 4th

milk chocolate

wine

white bean lentil red wine splash soup

enchanted backyard

cheese

crackers

"Tell No One"

new friends

laughing

spontaneous

gratitude

It was a beautiful day.

The Merits of Korean Dramas

I only started last week but today, I watched the last episode of Coffee Prince at mysoju.com.

I laughed, I cried, and I went to the bathroom and cried some more. Koreans. We are gifted at capturing passion and the human experience in all its emotion.

I've been thinking about why I love this drama so much. Here are some thoughts:

- There's no overanalysis. You don't have to wonder if there's someone better out there for you or if you should move on since you broke up. Either you love him or not. Simple as that.

- There's no right or wrong. It's all about your gut.

- There's no shame in crying like a baby, running to his apartment, pounding on his front door, and waiting until he comes.

- You accept that humans are humans. When they are cranky or angry, you can laugh it off. Life is just like that.

- Loyalty, jung, friendship, hard work--all virtues

And my friend M. said:

"I like how they fight for real."

Yes, there is no fear of fighting. Couples duke it out and get it all out there. They show their emotions. All of this shows me how much I am so much SANER than I thought I was. I am so not meant to be this put together Western Protestant evangelical relational person. It just does not fucking work!

The special commentary explained my attraction to the drama well:

"Whether it's about homosexuality or aliens, It's a drama for youthful people who believe that when you have love, there is nothing to fear."

It's really good. Try and catch it if you can. You'll get sucked into 17 hours of laughter and love.

I leave you with a scene where Han Kyul (Gong Yoo) wakes Eun Chan (Yoon Eun Hye) with a song from his swanky rooftop flat.

GOCCO!!!

I have been waiting for these pictures to post about my new Gocco PG11!!! I am so excited about it. Last Tuesday, Sarah and I opened it up and tried flashing our first screenmaster. We played around with registrations, burned my registration plate by accident, and pretty much screamed and hollered a lot in our excitement.

I printed on my William Arthur cards while Sarah hyperventilated. Thanks to Elliot and his family for helping us get them from Japan.

musings 8

just because someone is a Christian, it doesn't mean they'll act the way you want them to act.

Daily Readings: 101 Picnic Dishes

What a stellar summer picnic resource from Mark Bittman. Enjoy. I'll be using some of these ideas for the Hollywood Bowl.

God sees my suffering

Yesterday, I was driving home and talking to my mom on the phone. We talked about this and that and then with some hesitancy, she began telling me about a woman in her small group that I had met a few times before. We'll call her H.

H. is in her fifties. She grew up in Korea and had a wild and passionate love letter affair with a white American man and ran away from her family with a couple hundred bucks to join him in America. She was willing to do anything for love. They've been happily married for around 30 years.

When H. and I met at my parent's home, we didn't talk much but I could tell she was a very caring woman. She is a hairdresser by trade and has excellent English compared to most of her peers in the small group. She would ask me how I was doing and look deeply into my eyes.

After meeting me a couple of times, she told my mom: Hanna has a good heart. I can tell. I don't say this about many people but I can tell she has a warm heart. I want to give her highlights for free. Tell her to come to my salon.

So I trotted over to her salon and got some highlights for free. We chatted while she did my hair and that was that. I never saw her again. That was probably 3-4 months ago.

My mom told me on the phone that H. had felt pressed to pray for me in the last two months. At first, H. was bewildered. She really didn't know me that well and she didn't know why God was impressing on her the need to pray for me with such fervency. But she did because she felt the call so strongly. H. would ask my mom here and there, is everything ok? Is hanna and J. ok?

At the time, we were still together. my mom said, yes, they're fine. H. kept checking in every week or so and inevitably, my mom told her, they broke up. That's when H. realized, this is why God was telling me to pray.

My mom says that H. continues to pray for me. Every single day, God shows her his great love for me and she keeps at it even when she doesn't understand. She says she keeps getting filled with God's love for me.

I got off the phone with my mom and started bawling. I was one of those people driving on the freeway crying with their mouths open, haphazardly wiping away their tears. Feeling pressed to pray for someone isn't that unusual in my parent's circles and I have been around a fair amount of that myself growing up. But it's been a while since I've been around that kind of spiritual scene. And this time, it meant a lot.

The thing that hit me the most was that God sees me. He sees that I have suffered. And he sees that I am trying really hard to be happy and responsible and take care of myself. It's a remarkable thing to feel seen and to see that God cares enough to have other people praying for you out of the blue like that. Hearing about H.'s experience of God's love for me was startling. I try to believe that God loves me. But when someone prays for you, it feels like the real thing.

Confirmation

I prayed with my coworker J. today. I love her. She is one of the most non-judging caring people. We did have our own vent session about work. And guess what? Holy cow. It was confirmed repeatedly that it is such a good thing I am leaving this job. Unemployment is preferable to the shit that is going down here. I knew it was bad but I didn't know it was this bad. I'm glad I'm getting a clean break from them, no trailing part time work.

Thanks God.

musings 7

when i feel anxious or want to escape, i am usually wanting to run away from some feeling inside i am out of touch with. when you're in that place, you feel incredibly lost and out of sorts and feel desperate. but then you do some centering prayer and realize, oh. i was just sad. that's all. everything's ok. i can still see myself. and when you see yourself, anything is possible. light conquers darkness.