musings 8

just because someone is a Christian, it doesn't mean they'll act the way you want them to act.

musings 7

when i feel anxious or want to escape, i am usually wanting to run away from some feeling inside i am out of touch with. when you're in that place, you feel incredibly lost and out of sorts and feel desperate. but then you do some centering prayer and realize, oh. i was just sad. that's all. everything's ok. i can still see myself. and when you see yourself, anything is possible. light conquers darkness.

musings 6

it is possible to love yourself and be happy about yourself but be sad about something else

taking care of yourself could mean getting a divorce but it could also mean initiating a relationship  (learned that from codependents no more)

mish mash musings 5

my mother once again told me i should be a lawyer. except she said, "hanna, i found out about a great program at northwestern for graduates who have worked for two years or more. it's special for people just like you." i asked, what is it? she said, "oh you know, just for people like you, studying law." i balked. and she said, "hanna, you're so smart. why don't you want to help people by being a lawyer? you don't have to do it for the money. think about how many people you can help." blaaaahhhhhhhh

apparently a feminist author, Linda Hirshman, says to all women entering college: Don't study art. i.e. studying art is not going to utilize you in a place of power in the world. I had to laugh. Most females I know just want to take art classes, including myself. article in The Atlantic here. This article and my mom made me realize that I would rather be an unsuccessful mother raising kids and making homemade granola with some freelance writing on the side than be a lawyer.

thinking about this fall, job negotiations, looking for a job, my life, my future....it's time to do some centering prayer. i can tell i haven't done it in half a week.

finance musings

whenever you pay your credit card late, call the company right away. they usually wave the late fee and the finance charges.

musings 3

there was never any good that came from wondering if something was wrong with me.

This quote from Lolita reminds me of The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis:
"You know, what's so dreadful about dying is that you are completely on your own"

This is so Humbert Humbert:
"I always preferred the mental hygiene of noninterference."

It seems to me these days that the seed of violation/violence is a belief that others owe us something. Rooted in that very belief is the assumption that persons belong to us whether they like it or not, so when we demand, cajole, force, manipulate, yell, abuse, resent, begrudge them--we are completely justified--we were only asking for what was rightfully ours anyhow. We can never possess anyone, not even ourselves. What lies we believe. What evil we enact.

Thomas Keating: psychic unloading in the love of God = divine therapy.

It's friday.

musings 2

perfect couples don't exist.  marriage is about two imperfect people who love each other, are willing to act on that love, and build a life that nurtures both of them.  and the building begins after marriage, not before.

i like my toes.  pedicures make me happy.

solitude is necessary for my health.

Lolita is a disturbing masterpiece.  I almost feel like I'm committing a sin reading it but then the literary quality is so superb that art trumps pedophiliac content.

taking a sick day was a great idea.

making goals and reaching them is wonderful for your self esteem.

if you feel insane about something in your life, act. do something different.  anything different.  sanity is breaking the pattern.

i think i should go into the greeting card business.  most of my musings sound like pop culture quotes.

i miss him.  trying to be constant.  in love.

Musings

My apartment mate really likes me. She is asking me, are you sure you want to leave?

Yesterday I met K., a new med student starting up this fall. She went to Yale, studied psych, decided she wanted to sing, did a m.a. in opera, hung out in boston with friends, and then decided she wanted to use her mind more, and decided to go to med school. how cool is that? i love people with unconventional paths. she was very chill and sweet too.

rosa and i are going to thailand and india this august.

this program looks so exciting! maybe next year.

my body still feels good. more notes: B.S. focused on neck and shouler stretching. We did this one front neck muscle exercise that was pretty intense. My whole head started shaking.

my peonies are so pretty. it was the first thing i saw when i woke up.

yoga, centering prayer, good friends, and writing make me feel like i can do anything.

i realized that being an editor is a good job for me. as well as being a writer for a school. they pay the bills and they give me regular hours so i can enjoy other aspects of life and write fiction and whatever else i want to write. this school is crazy. so perhaps another school. but what i do now is actually a great fit! i'm thankful for having found that.

i'm redefining success. success to me means being authentic and working hard and using your heart and smarts. it means doing everything with love and diligence and playfulness.

on sunday at world music mass, i met this very interesting woman, Faith. She graduated class of '61 from Wheaton and is a millionaire. She started two different publishing companies in her lifetime and made tons of money (through prayer she says) and likes to edit "controversial" books for nonprofit purposes. She's located in Pasadena. She gave me her contact info so I could come by and see what it's like to be a publisher.