I love...

I looooove Gentle Yoga with B.S. Oh man. That class rocks my body. Yesterday we worked on the chest and upper back.

I love my new blue nalgene bottle with a small drinking spout.

I love new haircuts.

I love Centering Prayer and Inner Awakening. This book rocks my sanity.

Going for it!: Surf Goddess Retreat

Find more photos like this on Surf Goddess Retreats Network

When I saw this website a month ago, my heart jumped and I screamed. I thought, holy shit! Are you kidding me? I am SO on board. (pun unintended :)

And then I saw the price tag. And I stalled. And then I didn't sign up. And then they had no availability left.

Last week I was kicking myself. I vowed that I would do it sometime in my lifetime. I also sent off an email to them just to check and see if they had any cancellations. They didn't.

Well, over the weekend, they sent me another email and said they just had a cancellation. Would I be interested?

I jumped. I hollered. And then I thought about it for a half day, analyzing my budget. If I did this retreat, it would blow my budget by almost $2000. That is really blowing a budget. I kept looking at the website and shrieking in excitement. And then I said no, no. I'll be fine not doing it. I'll just spend a whole lot less, go to some yoga classes, and do a lot of writing.

Well, I woke up this morning and thought about what it looks like for me to GO for it. The retreat popped up in my head. Then I got to work and talked to my favorite coworker, Jessica. She has surfed before and I asked her what it is like. I told her about the retreat. And you know what she said? Even after I told her the pricetag?

She said:

"I've been reading books about girls learning how to surf and it is an amazing thing. The feel of waiting for a wave, being out on the water, catching a wave...there's nothing like it. Go for it. Do this for yourself! When are you going to get another chance like this? When you come back, you will have finished this big trip to Asia...you probably won't go back soon and who knows, life changes, you may get married, you may have kids....this is your chance!!!! And THINK Hanna, think about the thousands of dollars people spend on a wedding that only lasts 4 hours. This will be so much more meaningful and exciting than 4 hours! Do this for yourself!"

I laughed a lot and shrieked some more. I'm going to do it! AHHHHHHHHH

Word: Keep Going On

The word in my life lately has been "keep going on."

First, my mother said it to me on Friday.

Then, on Saturday, I attended Kollaboration's Acoustic Show 2 and the theme was about empowerment for Asian Americans in entertainment and art.  PK, founder and host, kept reiterating that you must never stop but keep going on to be an artist.  He listed the breakthroughs that have happened in the last 8 years as a result of the show.  Judy Chu, chair of the California State Board for Equalization, came on stage to talk about political breakthroughs and never giving up.  John Chiang, State Controller, came on stage too, to encourage the audience to keep going.

Then this morning, I went to All Saints Church and Gary Hall was in town as a guest preacher.  He is one of my favorite preachers and he preached on the passage where Jacob wrestles with God and gets his hip dislocated and then his name changes to Israel.  Gary Hall's message?  God blesses Jacob because he doesn't stop.  He keeps going on, even when his hip is dislocated.  He keeps going on, even when his life is falling apart.  He keeps going on and God respects him and blesses him.

I just need to take a moment there to take that in.  I look at my life and so much of my life, I have not kept going on.  Usually, I do a massive google internet search to get all the facts and info about some vocational path or life decision, and then decide not to go for it because there are too many cons.

I'm realizing now that everything, absolutely everything has its cons.  But you keep going on.  You take the plunge and you take the bad with the good...otherwise, you will never experience the good and most importantly, you will never grow and change and move beyond what you know.

I think this is a deep topic that I will be pondering a lot on my trip to Asia, especially in Bali where I'll be doing a personal yoga/writing retreat.  What does it look like for me to keep going on?  What have I given up on because I was afraid or discouraged by the downside of a certain path?

I have had major trauma associated with my decision making.  One woman listened to my story and said my trauma had been a result of my naivete.  I think that worried me even more and I started trying to analyze every single decision to make sure I didn't make a mistake, so that I wouldn't be "naive" again.  I'm realizing now that analysis or just staying in the head to find the answer doesn't work.  I need to act, try it out, see if I like it with first hand experience.  Do I want to sign up for a certain program?  Then I need to fly and go see what it's like for the weekend.  Do I need to make a decision about vocation?  Then instead of wondering if I am the right person for it by analyzing my self, I should go try it out and see how it feels.  I'm starting to find my way out of my trauma and grow.  It feels really good.  It feels like God is blessing me.

Kollaboration's Acoustic Show

This video from a performance at UC Merced doesn't quite do the song justice but my brother performed his original song "Shots and Beers" last night at the Ford Amphitheatre for Kollaboration's Acoustic Show.  He was the last performer and his performance was spellbinding.

It was really neat to sit in the audience and see how much my brother has grown as an artist and is just going for it and not stopping.  I was so proud.  He won 2nd place last night.

This guy, Paul Dateh performed as a guest musician and was amazing.

I also really liked The Shinobies.

Level 1 yoga with Bruce

Today, I let myself enjooooy the morning, laying awake with my earplugs, the occasional cries of the baby and the screaming green parrots barely making a ripple on the surface of my content conscience.

I love my mom for snapping me out of it.  I love the pink flowers that greeted my sleepy eyes.  I love Saturday mornings.

I went to Level I yoga with Bruce at 9 am.  Hot damn.  That class near killed me.  At one point, I thought I was going to puke.  At another, I thought that I was going to fall over and my leg muscles give out.  Throughout the entire class, my body kept going in and out of vibrating numbness.  I kind of think that is not normal.  Or is it?  Any yogis out there know?  In one pose, my whole abdomen started convulsing.  I'm laughing just remembering.  I felt like such a dork.

But I made it.  And it was good to experience once again that hard work pays off.  Mindfulness, awareness, being grounded in the present are all absolutely necessary to survive a workout like that.  It carries you through the day and pretty much beats any fear inside of your cowering chest away and replaces it with a burning fire and confidence in your own spirit.

pink flowers

i love waking up to pink flowers--spray roses in a clear vase.

I love my mom

My mom came back today from a weeklong conference in Wheaton, Illinois where over 5,000 Korean missionaries from all over the U.S. gathered to network and train.

It was at my alma mater, and she called me mid-week to say, "Hi, I'm here at your old school.  Remembering when I first came your freshman year.  It makes me so happy to be here, remembering how proud my heart was that you were coming here.  I'm eating at the cafeteria and we're meeting in your old dorm."

Awww.  

I was in a stressed out tizzy today, like I have been for much of this week and last.  Except today it was particularly bad.  I was laying in bed and the word "catatonic" came to mind.  I did centering prayer for an unknown amount of time, prayed  a lot, and basically asked God to please relieve the fucking stress.  I was willing to surrender all and everything to get rid of the stress.  I didn't say fucking then.  But it feels nice to say it now.

I wandered into my mom's room and sat down in the chair.  And then I opened my mouth and said, mom, I am really stressed out.  I told her why and she sat listening to me with a soft smile.  She didn't say much.

And in the end, when I was all done and looking at her with "help me" eyes, she looked at me and said, "Don't worry so much.  Just keep going on."

Exhale.

Wow.  Just keep going on?  That did it folks.  That's all I needed to hear.  Sometimes, you just need someone you love and trust to not freak out that you are freaking out and tell you not to worry.  Tell you keep going on and don't stop living.  I realized how much I had let stress keep me from going on.

I had become obsessed with knowing if what I was doing was right or wrong and that is always the first step into a living hell.

When I stop living in grace, stop accepting myself, stop being present in the body, and start trying to figure out if I am right or wrong from my head, my life quickly becomes crap.  I had some serious moments there where I thought that my anxiety meant that I was out of favor with God.  Protestant theology dies hard, it really dies hard.

Richard Rohr says in A Hope Against Darkness, "In the moments of insecurity and crisis, shoulds and oughts don't really help, they just increase the shame, guilt, pressure and likelihood of backsliding.  It's the deep yeses that carry you through.  It's that deeper something you are strongly for that allows you to wait it out.  It's someone you absolutely believe in and your will is committed to.  In plain language, love wins out over guilt any day." (69)

He also says, "Once the dualistic mind takes over, the ego is back into a 'pick, choose and decide' game, which is the beginning of exclusionary, punishing and even violent religion.  Remember, anthropologically religion begins with the making of a distinction between the pure and the impure.  Jesus consistently ignores such a distinction." (70)

Here's to all of us suffering from the anxieties of our small heads:  Don't worry so much.  Keep going on.  You will find life.