the flying nun

I've Moved

2009-07-20T12:30:00.000-07:00

I've started a new blog with some recent posts and it's at hanna-manna.blogspot.com. I won't be blogging anymore at The Flying Nun. We've had some good times but it's time for something new. See you over there!

Surprise friday

2009-07-17T18:28:00.000-07:00

picture by StevenM_61's

I forgot how fun it is to do something unexpected and say "yes" to an idea. After searching fruitlessly for the right cafe in Newport Beach, I sat in traffic to hit up some favorite spots in Long Beach. I ate a bean taco, potato taco, and fish taco at Hole Mole. I sat outside and licked my fingers and spooned salsa into my mouth and watched people wash their cars across the street. Then I decided, hey, why not? and drove my car over after my meal to run around before the timer timed out, foam bursting out of my brush and hitting my face and shoulders. It was wet and fun and sweaty. Now I'm drinking a ginger peach iced tea at Portfolio, an artsy air conditioned spot in the Arts District. Life feels good. And that all happened for less than $10.

Book Review: A Year in Van Nuys

2009-07-17T13:01:00.000-07:00

Every week, I meet with my new friend Joleen for a cup of coffee (sometimes a sample cup of Trader Joe's coffee) to discuss the all important questions of life direction, job search status, and ideas. We've been meeting for about 2 months and I have to say, we've hit our stride.

Yesterday, she suggested that I write a book about my life living in the OC and she gave enough compelling reasons that I decided to give it some serious thought and read this other book I had seen in the bookstore for ideas: A Year in Van Nuys by Sandra Tsing Loh.

I've come to admire Sandra's writing recently for its wit and humor and ability to make me laugh a lot. J. checked out A Year in Van Nuys from the library for me and I finished it in two sittings. And here is what I have to say about this book (published in 2001).

It's really really really funny. I laughed a lot, especially in the beginning.
I was surprised at how much I related to her experiences. (Do L.A. freelance writers really have that much in common?)
She is so self-deprecating and revealing! How does she still have friends?
The ending does totally peter out and only worth skimming as many Amazon.com reviewers write.
It is a writer's writer kind of book. It's all about her writing life and how much it sucked that year.
It almost made me want to quit all this freelance business and study for the LSATs and be happy having stable income.
Most importantly, it was a case study on exactly what not to do if you want to be sane and happy and be a writer.

Here's what her painful stories reinforced:

Get a life and get out or you will end up stuck in your bedroom for 3 years with writer's block and loathing self-pity.
Read the Ennegram, Type 4. Learn how to deal with envy or it will destroy you.
Have a regular practice of taking yourself lightly, forgiving yourself, and working on loving others.
Have a regular practice of centering, whether that be prayer, photography, or something else.
Do anything constructive to regularly get out of your head and your own thoughts.
Be a contemplative.
Be kind and serve others.
Live fully in the moment.
Do Welcoming Prayer a lot.
And the list could keep going on.

I wouldn't use her book as a model for a book on living in the OC but overall, a quick enjoyable read. Some parts--her agony, her self-loathing, her moans--were a bit too negative and not funny enough to bear but all the other stuff, the parts when she really is spot on, hilarious, and you actually realize this is all useful info to help you avoid the same mistakes--well, that's nice.

For the complete opposite of Sandra Tsing Loh, check out The Happiness Project. This woman has a law degree and is writing a book about being happy.

Summer in the OC

2009-07-17T12:02:00.000-07:00

God is blue by Sister Corita

This summer has been the summer of ideas. Left and right, up and down, ideas are churning and brimming up--I can barely think or talk fast enough. I was talking to my friend Lydia yesterday and after 4 ideas in a row she said, "Ok, whoa whoa whoa, wait, just give me a minute, let me think about this. Okay--which one can you see yourself doing more--Writing a book or blogging short posts?" Thank goodness for lovely friends who take my ideas seriously and then actually have practical questions to get me to think of how to do them.

I'm going to apply for this 9 month Ignatian prayer program.

I'm screenprinting with my artist friend Jan next week at her parent's screenprinting studio. We're going to make summer lino prints! We're inspired by Sister Corita Kent's works.

I'm going to get the darkest tan of my life by just laying out on the grass next to my building (a surprising number of people do this) or walking to the pool and getting fried in half the time. The sun here is hot, the wind is cool, and all of the above is plentiful.

And I'm going to read a lot. Case in point, next post.

New finds

2009-07-16T14:40:00.000-07:00

Here are some new finds that I've been loving

Yellow Owl Workshop
I am especially in love with the city rubber stamps set

Blogger: Color Me Katie
a freelance photographer, street artist, all around creativity source
Via The Happiness Project

The Uniform Project
Makes me want to get a whole lot of accessories and one uniform

Cory Doctorow: Writing in the Age of Distraction
A good article about writing when the internet is soo distracting

On Blogging

2009-07-16T14:31:00.000-07:00

These days, I feel as if I have outgrown my Flying Nun theme. I've been making little changes to my blog, having fun with my newfound html and free online tutorial lookup intelligence. But something's in the air. J. thinks it's because I'm no longer single, i.e. no longer a possible candidate for nunship. Maybe that is true. I think it's something else though.

When I first started blogging, the Flying Nun emblem gave me a sense of security, a metaphor to hide behind and safely write. I feel ready to expand my wings and actually let my head poke out and feel the wind now. In other words, I feel ready to gear my blogging towards a more public audience, instead of just family and friends (scratch that, i don't think any of my family members read this) and stand behind my name.

I think that working on launching my freelance writing career has a lot do with this, as well as a better understanding of the blogging world and the ways in which it can work for you (I like this summary at typepad).

I've been studying blogs to see what appeals to a larger readership (namely, nice photos) and I've also been brainstorming daily on what I would change and topics I would focus on. If you've been following my posts and you have ideas or suggestions, I would be happy to read them.

Kitchen Finds: Fine Mesh Strainer

2009-07-12T19:22:00.000-07:00

Ever since I discovered quinoa and learned that you must rinse it to get a soapy chemical off of it (saponin), I've been rinsing it by just filling up a bowl of it with water and then holding a plate against the bowl and tipping the water out of it slowly until the water has been drained. aka Tedious.

So I've been on the lookout for a fine mesh strainer and I thought I found it when I saw this Oxo Good Grips 8-Inch Double Rod Strainer. But at $21.99, it was worth waiting for a better deal. I waited and waited and in the meantime checked every Chinese supermarket and Korean household store I went to for a similar item. The ones I found had flimsy mesh or weren't big enough but yesterday, finally--VICTORY!

At HMart in Irvine, I found a solid 8-inch double rod strainer with two prongs on the end, not just one, which provides better balance when resting it across the sink (which it does perfectly). The 8" size is perfect for rinsing handfuls of fruit and veggies. The mesh is small enough to rinse quinoa and it has a solid dome shape that has no signs of warping or stretching. Best of all, it is only $5.99! I'm not sure who else carries it but it's worth checking your local Korean supermarket. The strainer has a "Dong-Tai" imprint on it.

Good Words: The Catholic Imagination

2009-07-12T16:31:00.000-07:00

"Religion is story before it is anything else and after it is everything else." - Andrew Greely

how to be good to my self

2009-07-09T18:13:00.000-07:00

I developed a serious case of envy today and had to do this exercise so I could focus on using my energy to move forward and not down.

develop a healthy lean body that feels limber, active, energetic

eat food that makes me feel good physically

wear stylish clothes that make me happy and embrace my inner designer

take risks for my dreams

go for what i want and find ways to make money along the way, not the other way around

continue to ask myself "how can i be good to my self?"

Daily Video: Touch My Body

2009-07-09T15:01:00.001-07:00

Just because it makes people say "Oh my gaaa!"

The OC: Officially gotten good

2009-07-08T22:44:00.001-07:00

I think it's safe to say that Jacob and I have officially gotten good at hanging out with each other in the OC.

The first few months of marriage were spent at our laptops looking around, saying, "What do you want to do?"
"I don't know, what do you want to do?"
"I don't know, there's nothing to do in the OC."
"Dammit. I miss LA!"
"I know, me too."
"Sad."
"Yeah, sad."

It all started with the 4th of July when noone wanted to hang out with us. Noone wanted to grill with us or see us in our bikini and speedo and go to the beach and prance around. Why, I wonder? Noone wanted to buy fireworks and light them up. Noone.

4th of July is a sad holiday to be alone.

We decided to make the best of it. We were determined to have fun on our first 4th of July as a married couple. So the first thing we did was get into the biggest fight we have had since tying the knot, complete with waving hands, the D word, rolling eyes, stomping off, getting space and canceling the whole thing.

Then we decided to be friends again and went to the beach. It was way too windy and cold and sandy, something Jacob realized as soon as he jumped into the ocean and ran out with a grin of alarming proportions. Yeah, all those other people in there, hon? Those are the crazies with insanely warm blood. If you were a southern california native, you'd know that.

We laid out on our towels shivering, getting sand in our Vernor's ginger ale and eating sandy Sweet Maui chips and unsuccessfully moving the umbrella in 12 different positions to thwart the wind. An hour and a half later, we decided to call it quits. I was wearing my navy blue swimsuit under an army green jersey spaghetti strap dress and the only thing Jacob had to offer me was this boxy white t-shirt with Chinese calligraphy and a dancing horse on the front. Important note: he took it from his Kansan grandmother's closet. The t-shirt collar came up my neck, the shoulders kept going when mine stopped, and it stopped short at my natural waist. The whole thing looked wrong.

Jacob on the other hand was wearing silky brown fisherman pants from Thailand and a retro button up light blue shirt with thick rimmed glasses. Earlier when we passed a Hare Krishna dude rattling a tambourine on the street corner, we both looked at each other and realized, umm, you look like a hare krishna dude, dude.

We went to the car and ate the rest of our snacks in the front seats. Then we rolled down the coast through the interconnected parking lots until we had to exit. We were quite proud that we had figured out how to cruise through all the state beach parking lots and find a bathroom with no line.

We proceeded to buy fireworks at a booth in the parking lot of Norm's. I detest Norm's because I have this very vivid memory of my brother's friend Chucky cutting into a steak late at night only to reveal fluorescent orange flesh. I kid you not. Well, Jacob luurves Norm's with a passion so we sat down for a piece of pie and coffee. And this is where my freak flag came out.

Ladies and gents, I lost it in the best way possible. I knew I looked like an idiot with a chinese grandma t-shirt, I had sand in my hair, we had at least 6 more hours to go of 4th of July celebration, and I was sitting with my hare krishna look alike partner in Norm's. I started tooling around. I began to sing, talk in strange voices, make up stories, and engage in inappropriate straw shenanigans. And at that moment, I realized I had come across something big, something crucial to the success of my mental sanity and emotional happiness here in the OC. It was the power to create fun when there's nothing to do--something I have long admired my friend Allie for being able to do but just thought she was like that because she grew up in Arkansas. I guess the OC is now my Arkansas.

The night proceeded. We stopped by the 99cents store across the street and bought a box of Tony Chachere's gumbo mix, El Pato hot sauce, and a book called Saints and Animals. We ran around our housing complex, we cut through the communal gardens and ran up the hill for a panoramic view of all the fireworks in the OC. Then we ran back down and cut through the communal garden only to have to pee really bad and well, I won't say any more about what happened to the arugula. Then we lit our fireworks, danced around, gave each other high fives, saw some leftover cheeseburgers in the trash and drove to In-N-Out for our 4th of July burger. We fell asleep utterly satisfied with our 4th of July.

So that's the secret folks... or is it still convoluted? The secret to the OC (sidenote: especially if you don't have money and can't shop) is treating it like the plains, the midwest, the upper peninsula, arkansas, any rural area if you will. You have to unhinge, fly the freak flag, and learn to be your own best friend, stand up comedian, dance partner, storyteller, and mischevious partner in crime. You've got to learn the art of tooling around.

As Allie's mother once said, "You're only bored, if you're boring."
Learn to not be boring and you will never be bored again.

Blog change update

2009-07-07T16:36:00.001-07:00

Soooo, I really wanted to unveil a new blog but it looks like I'm sticking with this one for the short term. I've learned basic html and css which has gotten me as far as changing fonts and sizes and colors in someone else's style sheet. Lame. I guess 3 days of cramming could only get me so far. I will keep cramming and hopefully unveil a new blog soon.

A night of dreams

2009-07-07T16:04:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a dream so vivid that I thought it was real life. Now, I'm a dreamer and almost 100% of the time, I know I'm dreaming. But this time, I actually thought it was happening.

I am told from somebody (i don't know who) that I need to get on a plane, follow a dirt path, end up in a forest and wait. I must have trust this voice because I follow the directions. It is dark, the middle of the night. I get on a plane, fly over an ocean, get off and walk down a dirt road. Unlit homes line the road and I'm holding the hand of a little girl. At the same time, I think, what a scary and dangerous walk for a little girl--I'm glad I'm here to hold her hand. There is noone in sight, no street lamps, only shadows.

We walk, then make a turn, and keep going until the forest closes in on me and I can't keep going. I can only fall back and sit down on soft fern covered ground. I hold the little girl in my arms and wait in the darkness. Out of the fauna, shadowy faces emerge, people that I've known throughout my life. People that make me happy, that make me feel conflicted and upset--all sorts of people. (It's still dark, it's always dark and shadowy for some reason)

The funny thing is, I'm not threatened by the ones that normally make me feel upset. I feel a balance, a kind of peace, like I canaccept everyone. I don't feel bothered. I feel peace. I've entered some kind of "other" world, like summer camp, midst trees and mountains. I feel like I have finally arrived at my destination. I'm so glad that I'm here.

An acquaintance turns and looks me in the eyes saying, "You didn't just end up here, Hanna. You got here by listening and getting on the plane, and walking down the road even when you didn't even know why you were doing it. "

Just then, I'm abruptly awoken by violently flapping vertical blinds in my room. I get up and close the window and realize I'm not in some foresty summer camp place with people that say deep elusive things to me. I'm in Irvine and my alarm clock buzzes 5:30am.

I lay in bed for quite some time, actually wanting to get back to that dream, the place that felt more real than real life. "You didn't just end up here" keeps ringing in my head and I realize with a start that that little girl was my inner child.

I know, WILD--as far as psychoanalytical type dreams go. I haven't had a dream that feigned to have such a cohesive message from the nether worlds AND involved my inner child in...I don't know when.

I think most dreams are just the subconscious working itself out or revealing itself like a flasher when you least expect it. But I have to say, I woke up this morning with a significant kind of peace and had the most productive day I've had in a while. I thank my mind and my body for working things out for me in an unexpectedly deep and internal way through the middle of the night. I actually needed to hear that last line and it's a good message for the journey.

Happy Tuesday everyone.

Changes

2009-06-30T11:07:00.000-07:00

I've been playing around with html and learning css in new attempts to update my blog. New changes coming soon.

Succubus to the Incubus

2009-06-14T19:49:00.001-07:00

What a line. Only someone like a cultural anthropologist could say a line like this about Ruth Madoff, wife of the infamous notorious Bernie.

“She’s perceived as the succubus to Bernie’s incubus,” said Prof. Richard A. Shweder, a cultural anthropologist at the University of Chicago. “She was inside a circle of people whose wealth has been sucked out of the system.”

Full article here.

Definition of succubus from wikipedia: In folklore, a succubus (plural succubi) is a demon^[1] in dreams to have sexual intercourse, according to the medieval European legend. Its male counterpart is the incubus. They draw energy from the men to sustain themselves, often until the point of exhaustion or death of the victim.

since May

2009-06-11T16:34:00.000-07:00

Some days, I feel like a complete bump on a log. The hours fly by and I have nothing to show for it. I even forget that I'm supposed to be looking for a job because there aren't many jobs to look at. But then if I look back a little closely, I see that so much has happened and there is much to celebrate. Here is a recap since May of my adventures in the kitchen, in the world of Irvine, and elsewhere.

I made an amazing sandwich from leftovers.

I sold my cute too big bike to a volcom surfer dude.

We celebrated my mom's 50th birthday at Taps Restaurant in Brea. That's my brother's cute girlfriend on the right.

I took over my mom's kitchen to do my first paid wedding floral gig. She ended up taking it over with her new bff from korea. I was peeved but relieved.

It was too much work for too little pay. By the end, I wished I had charged 3x the amount I quoted. I think I'm going to nix any ideas of a side business. This kind of nonstop labor is only worth it for my best friends.

I went to the Irvine farmer's market with Jacob. He got very excited about the 3 for $1 pomellos at the CalPoly stand.

I got excited about the succulents.

I made almond biscotti using this recipe.

And I went to a bachelorette party in Hawaii. I met a new friend Reshma, a bridesmaid from London. I reconnected with Tiff and Kate. I watched Sung-Ae eat.

And I watched beautiful Sung Yeon and Joe get married.

And I watched the single groomsmen forage and hunt.

It was a blast. Complete with cupcakes and paddleboarding.

And lastly, today, I created a new address logo using Adobe Illustrator CS4 which some of you will be seeing in your mail.

Here's to the rest of June. May it be filled with new friends, new experiences, and fun times at the beach.

p.s.- i have no idea why my pics are coming out small.

What I Talk About When I Talk About Running by Haruki Murakami

2009-05-31T16:55:00.000-07:00

I have a friend who blogs about her practice of living inspired. I admire her constant search for inspiration and how she continues to find inspiration in unexpected places, filling her life with wonder and new possibilities.

Last week, an email exchange with her reminded me of her valued search for inspiration and I began to think about what inspires me. If you're not used to thinking in those terms, it's a little hard to get there. It takes some warming up and I drew a blank.

Spivak inspired me last week although it's still a swirling mass of challenging and intriguing ideas around my head. Did baking an amazing zucchini orange marmalade bread from the Tartine cookbook count as inspiration? Maybe.

But today, I finally finished What I Talk About When I Talk About Running (Vintage International) by Haruki Murakami and when I had read the last page and closed the book with satisfaction, I said emphatically, "Aha! This book inspires me!"

It's interesting, you know. From reading the book, I didn't feel like I should pick up running or even write a book. Murakami wrote this book as a memoir of sorts, a quest to find out for himself what his personal standard has been as a runner and writer. He chronicles how he first started writing, first started running, and how those two shaped each other and his life's perspective.

Towards the end of the book, Murakami writes about becoming a better swimmer for triathlon competitions. He finds a coach who strips his form down and teaches him one thing at a time. At first, it is "awful and awkward" and he can't understand how learning to swim (for ex.) flat as a board without rotation is going to help him. Next, his coach introduces rotating his left shoulder only and makes him swim up and down the pool doing only that. And so on ad tedium until one day, everything clicks. Every part of his body is moving as it should. His old habits have been broken, his old form is no more, a new form has emerged, a synchronization of all the new parts. Revelation!

Murakami's experience reminded me of learning to play the piano. I started piano lessons when I was four years old and ended in college. For a time in my youth, my parents were convinced that I was going to become a concert pianist and I would practice for 2-3 hours and could only leave the bench to go to the bathroom. Since then, my fingers have become stiff and I am nowhere near the kind of fluid alacrity I had on the keys. But I remember the drills and the experience of revelation. I remember the scales, the arpeggios, my worn out Czerny book. I remember how good it felt when I conquered a scale and my fingers flew over something that had troubled me a few weeks before. I remember how my teacher and I would break down a piece and how I would practice each trill, each measure over and over again until it was flawless and everything came together. I had no false illusions about becoming a world class pianist overnight. I knew it would take hours of practice, dedication, and years of devotion.

Similarly, I feel the same way about printing and book arts. I have no illusions of becoming a letterpress printer over night. Slowly but surely through my classes, I have gained a vocabulary and dexterity with my movements that have helped me become more and more proficient at designing, setting type, and printing correctly.

Why is it then that I never applied this to the art of writing? Maybe it's because it's so foreign (unprofitable, impractical?) and language around it so pretentious and lofty. How many times have I read or heard, "writing cannot be taught"? The idea is that talent for writing is innate and either you have it or you don't. Everyday, I sit in front of my laptop or notebook (or worse, think about sitting in front of my laptop or notebook) and wonder about how to do what I want so much to do i.e. write the damn novel. The writer's life feels shrouded in mystery and fantasy, an inacessible dream. Or in other word(s), bullshit.

Murakami's memoir shows me that writing, like any other craft and skill, is about the process of doing things over and over again, mastering each small thing, taking each step towards the finish line, getting a coach, doing whatever it is to keep on the journey of living the way your heart takes you and learning to do it with the pain of Reality. And when you finish something, you get up and do it again or find something new to challenge yourself, to keep learning about yourself, to keep being healthy. The learning and growing never ends.

After reading the book, I didn't feel like I should pick up running or even write a book. I felt and thought these things:
1. I need to do writing drills like I used to do piano drills.
2. I need training: a good coach, exercises, a space and structure for practice.
3. When I sit down to write, I cannot sit down to write a book. I sit down to write a word, a sentence, and to grow and learn.

Inspiring.

Thanks mom and dad for all those years of piano lessons. And thanks Liz for the inspiration to live inspired.

Spivak, the Subaltern, feminism

2009-05-27T16:51:00.000-07:00

One of the perks of having no job to report to each day is that I get to attend seminars on UCI's campus. UCI gets an impressive array of world class scholars to visit, especially when it comes to deconstruction and critical theory (like Derrida).

J. invited me to attend a two day seminar by Gayatri Chakravorty Spivak, a scholar whom I had never heard of (which only speaks of my ignorance in such things). I declined the first day's lectures. J. came back raving, muttering for hours about feminism and Hannah Arendt and reproductive heteronormativity and the notion of honorary male in post-menopausal women. I was intrigued enough to attend the second day.

To be honest, for the first half of the 3 hour session, I had no idea what her work was supposed to be doing. It was obvious that she was a powerhouse of a scholar. She was cross-referencing philosophy, literature, and anthropology and translating from original texts in multiple languages (french, bengali, german) while she taught about her feminist theories. It was so esoteric with only slight glimmers of understanding and practical application that I began to realize there were people such as her who lived on a completely higher level of thinking and the only way the masses got it was to have it trickled down bit by bit by people who kept breaking it down into dumber more understandable morsels.

By the 2nd half however, things started coming together. It's much too convoluted in my head to even try to explain "what" it was that was coming together for me but I left inspired and challenged by her passion for feminism, her intellectual rigor, her discipline and activist energy. I realized that what she was trying to do with all of her work, her deconstructive readings of literature and philosophy, her reflections on contemporary society, was to show how there was no legitimate understanding or place for the role of "woman" and the closest thing we had to a place and/or recognition was the status of honorary male given to post-menopausal, aging women who were post-reproductive (thus unable to be identified as woman by the ability to reproduce) and intelligent enough to command respect in the sphere of men. Or something like that.

Afterwards, we shook hands. J. and her had a little tete-a-tete over tea sandwiches. After all that, it was nice to see her as a normal human being who talked about her past lover and needed to run off to the gym because she hadn't worked out in 10 days.

A stimulating afternoon even if I only understood like 2% of what I heard. A couple things became clearer. Whatever my life work is, it will have to do with women. And it is becoming clearer that I must continue to be in places that nurture ideas and consider them a necessary part of being.

Doing it for your soul

2009-05-26T14:24:00.000-07:00

J. and I had a weekend guest. His best friend D. from college was in town shooting weddings (he's a professional photographer) and stayed with us. Thus the popcorn popping, the Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demon watching, their late night bike riding shenanigans.

D. said two things I really liked.

He said, "I haven't ridden a bike since middle school. Riding a bike last night was like being born again. Seriously!"

The second thing he said had to do with his fiance, S., a filmmaker. I asked him if one day, S. wanted to be a big time director like Ron Howard or do indie flicks. D. shrugged and said, "Neither actually. I don't think she cares where she ends up. She just know she has to keep making films for her soul. She needs to tell the stories in her own voice. She's doing it for her soul."

Doing it for your soul. What do you do for your soul? What do I do for my soul? What a good question to ask and live by.

A month ago, I heard a lovely old Holocaust survivor talk about her thoughts on life and dying on NPR. As a widowed pyschotherapist in her 80s, she continues to date and is unafraid of anything life has to bring her, including being widowed again.

She told the interviewer, "Relationships with others are important but the most important relationship is with your self. That is the longest relationship you will ever have and will continue regardless of whether others live or die."

She honored her relationship with her self and was able to be unafraid to truly live or die.

I'm going to ask myself what I need to do for my soul today and then do it.

Ciao.

Popcorn

2009-05-24T18:37:00.000-07:00

I popped corn for the first time in a pot on the stove. I never thought about how people popped their corn before microwaves! Strange and disturbing how you can be ignorant of a simple manual procedure because of the commercially manufactured product.

I used this recipe by Rachel Ray for delicious kettle corn. We ate a whole bucket of this stuff while watching The Da Vinci Code last night. And then we ate some for breakfast and a late afternoon snack. Addicting.

The Grant Study on Living Well

2009-05-21T14:09:00.000-07:00

Here.

“What we do,” Vaillant concluded, “affects how we feel just as much as how we feel affects what we do.”

Domestic Urges

2009-05-21T13:45:00.001-07:00

Bake
cookies
banana bread

whip
meringues
bake more cookies
with butter

braise
thighs in red wine
buy sweet onions
in bulk

eat the neighbor's currant scones
drink iced black mint tea
and watch the hubby get bigger

My new favorite sentence(s)

2009-05-06T11:16:00.000-07:00

From this article on Paris in the April 2009 Conde Nast Traveler:

"The firmament looked good enough to eat. I wished for a knife and fork to plunge into the cool candy planets, the vast blueberry orbs."

dance dance dance

2009-05-06T09:42:00.000-07:00

I watch this in the morning for a pick me up.

Wedding Song

2009-05-04T13:57:00.002-07:00

I'm singing this song on the beach in Hawaii for my friend's wedding in June.
(This was the only decent recording I could find on the internet that was up for embedding. The unofficial video is eh.)

Music, a poem my friend B. sent me

2009-05-04T13:57:00.001-07:00

Music

by Anne Porter

When I was a child
I once sat sobbing on the floor
Beside my mother's piano
As she played and sang
For there was in her singing
A shy yet solemn glory
My smallness could not hold

And when I was asked
Why I was crying
I had no words for it
I only shook my head
And went on crying

Why is it that music
At its most beautiful
Opens a wound in us
An ache a desolation
Deep as a homesickness
For some far-off
And half-forgotten country

I've never understood
Why this is so

Bur there's an ancient legend
From the other side of the world
That gives away the secret
Of this mysterious sorrow

For centuries on centuries
We have been wandering
But we were made for Paradise
As deer for the forest

And when music comes to us
With its heavenly beauty
It brings us desolation
For when we hear it
We half remember
That lost native country

We dimly remember the fields
Their fragrant windswept clover
The birdsongs in the orchards
The wild white violets in the moss
By the transparent streams

And shining at the heart of it
Is the longed-for beauty
Of the One who waits for us
Who will always wait for us
In those radiant meadows

Yet also came to live with us
And wanders where we wander.

Reza Aslan

2009-04-30T20:24:00.000-07:00

Fascinating man. Overachiever, makes us feel small...

Let me list off his interests and achievements:
Harvard Div
Iowa Fiction Workshop
Doctoral candidate in Sociology of Religion
professor of creative writing

npr and cbs commentator
frequent contributor to major newspapers
author of highly acclaimed nonfiction books on religion and war
writing a fiction novel
founder of film production companies
appeared on The Daily Show

wow. interesting right? I was looking for someone who is doing the kind of work I want to do--religion and literature. He's speaking at All Saints this Sunday.

Dinner today

2009-04-28T18:12:00.000-07:00

2 eggs, fried, fluffy, runny yolk
over
Spicy Tomato Chickpeas from March 2009 issue of Gourmet Magazine
with
Sauteed spinach and garlic
on the side

It was delish. I'm going to get better about taking pictures.

Faith the two legged dog

2009-04-28T15:32:00.000-07:00

This video is so strangely inspiring. It's from an old Oprah episode and I stumbled across it today in my browsing. I think the combination of a committed and loving human family with an animal breaking natural protocol inspires us to go against the odds and live beyond our limitations.

Evangelical suburban vibrations?

2009-04-27T14:55:00.000-07:00

Lately, a strange vague desire has come over me.

J. and I have been looking for an Episcopal church to attend in the area and frankly, it's slim pickings over here in the OC. After COS and All Saints, what did we expect? In the last two years, we've attended one of the most architecturally beautiful churches in the area with a strong tradition in contemplative ministry as well as the most progressive and diverse Episcopal church in the nation.

Visit #1, we felt very out of place at the closest church which was in Newport Hills, an incredibly wealthy WASP neighborhood of Newport Beach (think of the tv show, the OC and you'll get an exact visual). Everyone wore tailored outfits and an award was presented to the Peltasons for lifetime service by the Bishop of the Los Angeles Diocese. We live on the corner of Anteater and Peltason--need I say more? This is the kind of church where members have streets named after them.

Visit #2, the church was so ugly we drove into the parking lot, almost parked, and then truly had to just drive away because we couldn't handle the building. The ushers half-heartedly fluttered their programs at us and watched us drive away. Yes it was awkward and we felt kind of bad...but the building! It was a completely square box-like building with a huge phallic steeple rotated 45 degrees on top of the box. We were gaping. Ok, I know, I sound like a complete snob but aesthetics are important to me and to be fair, the OC has some of the ugliest church buildings I have ever seen in my life. I hesitated and said to J. "I feel bad...maybe we should just go in there." J. responds, "You need to prepare for something that hideous. We'll come back next week." We never did.

Visit #3, J. and I were excited to visit this church in Santa Ana which describes itself on their website as an "urban" church which celebrates its diversity. Ok, there were some brown people in there which is an anomaly but there were no Asian people and almost everyone was white. Was this really the most diverse Episcopalian church the OC had to offer? I didn't even see what made it urban. Sad. Plus the incense made me wheeze and cry the entire service.

Since then, I've felt a bit blah about my Episcopalian church search and found myself wanting to just sit in a megachurch on Sundays, get some nice feel good music, and a friendly message. I KNOW, RIGHT?

It's been this vague unconscious thing. In the far reaches of my mind, I can find my inner compass wandering to neutral carpeting and cushioned pews and friendly smiling people and Glade air freshener--all very bland and easy feeling. What is going on? I feel like my spiritual radar has been hijacked.

I was talking about this with J. and how I could have these sensations and longings for a spiritual experience within a nondenominational megachurch. He replied, "I guess all those shopping malls you go to make you want to sit in one for church too. That's all you see around here."

Yes, that is all you see around here. There are so many shopping malls here and not much else to do. Everything is suburban development. Stucco, housing tracts, wide streets, small tree saplings. The streets are so clean that the only word to describe it is sterile.

I'm not going to go to a megachurch but I'm beginning to see the effect of the environment on people's spiritual choices. If all you know is the shopping mall for recreation, it makes sense that your church would emulate one. If all you see is comfort and wealth, it makes sense that that's what you would want out of your church service. It feels absolutely relevant and "normal." You never come across injustice, physical need, or poverty so there's no reason why faith would have anything to do with that. It becomes perfectly reasonable that faith is about singing good songs, feeling good, getting the "right" theology, and making friends.

My ponderings continue. How strange it is to live here and be affected by wealth and suburban life. I'll end with a musical meditation from Hillsongs United. It's actually quite good. It makes me want to raise my hands and smile.

Happy Birthday Strunk and White

2009-04-26T12:32:00.000-07:00

I have my grandfather's vintage copy of Elements of Style sitting on my console as literary decor. This past week, NY Times celebrated its 50 years. The line below from the article made me laugh. I'm going to put that up on the wall by my writing desk.

“If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers,” Dorothy Parker once wrote, “the second-greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of ‘The Elements of Style.’ The first-greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they’re happy.”

I can almost see it, that dream I'm dreamin

2009-04-22T11:33:00.000-07:00

I suppose one of the main reasons I like the song, "The Climb," is because it's about transition, about letting go, taking risks, facing losses, and moving forward.

Last week, one of J.'s grad school friends lent me a book called Transitions by William Bridges. I've been reading it in bits and pieces and it's been quite helpful in helping me process all the changes in my life.

There are three parts to transitions--endings, a time of feeling lost, and beginnings. Sometimes, you only have one or two of those. Other times, the order gets mixed up. The key is to go through each part fully and then move on with a new beginning.

I spent some time today thinking about unfinished transitions in my life and what I can do to finish them so my load is lighter for the road ahead. Bridges also recommends examining how we've reacted to transitions in the past to gain greater awareness of our emotional programming to transitions in general.

Of interesting and serious note, the book talks about how research was done correlating specific life situations with a point system such as 100 points for a spouse's death or 11 points for a change in jobs. For Americans who had fewer than 150 points (average), they had a 1 in 5 chance of being hospitalized for a major illness in the next 2 years. For those with 300 points, they had a 9 in 10 chance of being hospitalized for a major illness. Food for thought wherever you are.

The Climb - Miley Cyrus

2009-04-21T14:23:00.001-07:00

I never thought the day would come when my new favorite song is a Hannah Montana song but I suppose it was bound to happen since Hannah is such a cool name.

Here it is folks. Enjoy the inspiration of the words and that gravelly alto voice.

butterfly feel good moment

2009-04-15T14:57:00.001-07:00

I inspired a friend to start a blog.

There Will Be Blood

2009-04-15T10:19:00.000-07:00

I've been watching this 2007 release in fits and starts. It's so intense. Every time I can't handle a scene, I stop and pick it up the next day.

pink peony pictures

2009-04-09T13:02:00.001-07:00

we're on max's blog. beautiful and sweet and full of laughter.

on weddings and visiting

2009-04-09T12:52:00.000-07:00

" you've got the whole world wanting to spend time with you"

--Ben

Newly wed

2009-04-08T13:32:00.000-07:00

Marriage feels

surprisingly normal

distinctly different

interesting

Flow

2009-04-08T12:32:00.001-07:00

"It's not a question of better or worse. The point is, not to resist the flow. You go up when you're supposed to go up and down when you're supposed to go down. When you're supposed to go up, find the highest tower and climb to the top. When you're supposed to go down, find the deepest well and go down to the bottom. When there's no flow, stay still. If you resist the flow, everything dries up. If everything dries up, the world is darkness."

--Mr. Honda (The Wind-up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami)

Good Words

2009-04-08T11:24:00.000-07:00

Let the beauty of what you love, be what you do--Rumi

Irvine

2009-03-08T19:47:00.000-07:00

Irvine is

corporate
hilly
full of bike trails
surprising creeks
lots of wetland birds
and near the beach.

March 3 * Can Openers and Shit, and then grace

2009-03-04T00:31:00.000-08:00

Where were you C.O.?!

Today was like so many days that I've experienced in the last five months. Unstructured, free flowing, laid back. Involving a pleasant waking up, a coffee shop, a run at the Rose Bowl, a little bit of tv. But it was also very different.

I packed my room up in Pasadena and ran out of boxes.
I thought about what to take and what to throw away and what to give away.
I sat in Jones and filled out a marriage expectations inventory. It took 2 hours.
I was ecstatic for a friend who told me he got into a graduate writing program.
And then I was sad wondering why didn't I get in last year.
I felt lost and pathetic.

In the afternoon, I went to the grocery store to make Lemony Chickpea Stir-fry from 101cookbooks.com and came home only to remember that the housemate who had just moved out had also moved the can opener out. I stared at the can of chick peas. I opened every drawer and cabinet. I called my roommate only to realize I had the wrong number, the same number I had texted last night while watching The Bachelor and understandably gotten no response to "He's so full of shit!". I got on foot stools to inspect old Charles Shaw boxes in the far reaches of the closet for a can opener. Empty.

The stir-fry was for an Espicopalian dinner party of young adult leaders in the Los Angeles diocese and after staring at the unlit gas burner, I realized it was going to stay unlit. I called J. just to make sure that the can of chick peas was going to really stay that way. He confirmed gently but firmly, "Hanna, at this point, you just need to show up."

I flipped out. Just a little. I was not going to just show up. I got my ass out the door and decided to buy the requisite dessert from Trader Joe's. The one everyone brings and nobody really wants to eat (yup--happened again).

I chanted "The grace of God is with me" as I drove through the dark streets of Highland Park so I wouldn't walk into the house stressed.

There was wine. That was good.

WJ, my priest from COS, was there. So was Albert, a new friend and lay leader of young adult ministries at All Saints. Jason, a priest and director of urban internships for the denomination, who I met once at an unrelated grant writing workshop a year ago was there. And then there was Sarah, an Episcopalian chaplain and urban farm activist, who I had met twice--at a workshop in the fall and then again at a retreat last month. And Josh, a youth pastor, who I had met at the same workshop.

I didn't know they all knew each other when I first met them. Many of the meetings seemed like random run-ins or coincidences. But as I sat there drinking wine, sharing food, and listening to each person share, I realized there was something more divine than coincidence that had brought me to the table. I felt grace. The grace of being able to sit down with so many people I had met only once or briefly throughout the span of a year. The grace of conversation and shared journeys. The grace to ask questions and be heard. The grace to listen and learn more about my own journey through their stories. The grace of God within me.

It's funny and slightly tragic (depends on what mood I'm in). As much as I don't want anything to do with the church professionally, the doors keep opening to lead or be involved. I keep running into the right people, even when I'm desperate to run into people in other fields. I used to think it was because I lived in a sick Christian bubble or I was a sick Christian puppy and couldn't help running into them because my social life was that narrow. But I'm actually happy now and not feeling trapped or wanting to escape and being with these people tonight made me feel--dare I say it--at home.

and reflective.

Sweet pillow dreams.

Reading

2009-03-01T11:51:00.000-08:00

I've been reading a lot lately. This past week, I read two books by Kazuo Ishiguro: A Pale View of Hills and An Artist of the Floating World. I also read Letters to Montgomery Cliff by Noel Alumit, a former writing instructor of mine.

All books written by Asians in the diaspora. I like how Kazuo uses the polite indirect communication style of Japanese culture to build suspense for the reader and only unveil what happened with time. I like how Noel portrays Los Angeles in his novel.

It's food for thought. My mind is churning with images, ideas, and memories.

good things and thoughts - january

2009-01-27T11:08:00.000-08:00

a talk with an old professor of anthropology who took time during his sabbatical to receive a long distance call

a walk with friend erin around the rose bowl (i ended up having to lie down again because i got dizzy and it was hard to breathe...is that asthma? ear imbalance?)

lemony chick-pea stir fry--this would be gluten free if not for the glucose in tofu

starting quantum wellness diet on monday with betsy

bridal shower and old friends

a powerful sermon on coming home to your true self by ed bacon at all saints

letterpress printing class and fab women who love to create and gab

good friends who pray for me

victory

2009-01-15T15:45:00.001-08:00

overdraft fee refunded.

One of those weeks

2009-01-15T14:57:00.001-08:00

Two parking tickets in one week...one which cost $50!

A quarter life meltdown

An overdraft fee at the bank because while savings were being transferred, my landlord decided to slip my rent check into that tenuous space at just the right moment

But after I contest the tickets, cheerup, talk to friends, and go to the bank and ask them kindly to remove the overdraft fee, I let go of what I cannot control and I put on my ban.do.

My ban.do makes me feel pretty happy. I wore it while I drove away with my parking ticket and a man gaped at me from his convertible and let me in to a crowded lane.

On Life and being in your twenties and not having accomplished much

2009-01-14T15:58:00.001-08:00

OK!

work hard

don't stress

we'll get through this shit
--M.

a squirrel

2009-01-14T15:51:00.001-08:00

there's a squirrel in my front lawn. he really likes to stand up on his two feet and eat in front of an electric box connected to a lamppost by the fence. he jumps around, all over the lawn, as if someone is going to attack him, and digs holes very fast. he has the place to himself and i can tell he enjoys it. from one side to the other to the middle to the lamppost and back again.

image from treehugger.com

Things to do in Pdena before I move or What I will miss once I move

2009-01-12T21:54:00.000-08:00

Run around the Rose Bowl
Go to Yoga House and Feel what I Feel
Enjoy a cup of coffee and pastry at EuroPane
Drink coffee and write at Jones
Ride my bike to church and the library
Attend Taize services on Thursday nights
Take letterpress classes
Live in a gorgeous Victorian home with beautiful housemates
Sit in Vroman's and people watch while flipping through books
Take the Gold Line to Union Station
Go to Alhambra, Arcadia, San Gabriel oy! for good Taiwanese and Vietnamese food
Late night taco truck runs
Communitas and COS folks

So many places. Only a couple of months.

Piano

2009-01-12T21:52:00.000-08:00

I played the piano and sang and almost cried. I forgot how good it feels to play and sing. Damn. This is some serious shit. This is why I never messed around in high school. Music was my high.

Started writing a song. I hope to sing it for my friends once it's done.

Running shoes

2009-01-12T17:13:00.000-08:00

New running shoes to run in.

Stubborn kind of fellow

2009-01-11T22:50:00.000-08:00

At church today, the rector used this song to illustrate God's love for us. We all got up and danced and clapped. I loved it.

New Constants

2009-01-10T22:46:00.000-08:00

I was reminded of what good friend M.F. said a while back when J. and I broke up. Constants are a good thing. I'm not inclined to constants. Instead, I'm always climbing on to the next limb of my imaginative tree, branching out until I've forgotten that there was a trunk and roots that connected me to something solid and real.

I took some time today to journal about the constants I need in my life. A good exercise for the routine-challenged. All it takes are some house guests to completely forget how I lived my life previously. Did I really use to ride my cool orangey-red vintage schwinn around and go journal in bakeries, even after a mid cross-walk crash? Wow.

Here's to constants in the new year. We need reminders, more often than we think.

Working through being Unsettled

2009-01-08T17:39:00.000-08:00

I was walking around Los Feliz today, waving my arms around and telling Lydia, "I just feel so unsettled and being unsettled makes me feel like I can't plunge myself into work."

She thought for a moment and then said, "I've found that when I'm unsettled, plunging myself into work makes me feel settled."

Alright, alright. I get it. It's that vicious paradox. You have to work through the disturbing feelings and the constants are what makes you feel sane in the end.

I have less than 3 months till marriage. Lydia suggested writing a novel during that time. And then she laughed and said, "Is that too unrealistic?"

Maybe. But I told J. about it and he decided to give me some structure and goals.

1. Write a short story by the end of January.
2. Apply to 10 jobs.
3. Go to sleep at the same hour and wake up at the same time.
4. Exercise five times a week.
5. No more dairy and meat.

I have been reduced to asking other people for structure. We even signed a written contract with an unspecified reward at the end when I fulfill these goals. Hey, it works for me. I need it. Otherwise I start floating around like a gay bubble, feeling unanchored and entirely vapid and pointless. The doldrums of being a type 4.

I started two short stories. I started reading Angels Crest by former writing instructor Leslie Schwartz. And even though I'm broke, I bought What I Talk About When I Talk About Running, a memoir by Haruki Murakami.

Pdena

2009-01-05T23:50:00.000-08:00

I'm back in my home space again after two and a half weeks of traipsing around Claremont and Irvine and back again with a detour to Santa Barbara. At one point, I remember feeling really off and I couldn't figure it out. I sat down in a coffee shop and made myself journal everything that was going on in my life. I listed about 20 different things in transition. That's a lot. I felt better and cut myself some slack.

I'm back to wedding planning as well after the break. I'm quite sick of it to tell you the truth. Do I want to look for another cupcake stand? Another budget florist? Another way to save money from the heinous vendor fees we are racking up? At this point, I'd rather be married and living in once place rather than going back and forth from Irvine to Pasadena. I pass South Coast Plaza, Disneyland, the Asian suburbs, Santa Fe Springs, outlets, quarries, industrial waste zones, cancer research centers, and finally, home.

Oh Pdena. You are so grimy when I've been in Irvine for a week. But I love you, freeway sound and all.

mean people

2008-12-27T21:52:00.000-08:00

i think people are mean when they're not enjoying life. i suppose there are people who enjoy life and are mean. but it's pretty hard to be mean if you're loving life because you want other people to love life too. don't you think? why do you think people are mean?

christmas

2008-12-25T19:29:00.001-08:00

family
unexpected family
ham
baked hash browns with bacon and sour cream
sour cream and blueberries and blackberries
on french toast with brown sugar and maple syrup
too much sour cream
at 1 pm
the dog yelps
she's mad at the homestay boy from korea
she shits on his christmas gift, a powder blue hooded sweatshirt
he takes it to the wash
scowling
perplexed
how could she not like me?
we were getting along so well
he sticks a piece of american cheese on his boiling pot of ramen
stirs it until it's disappeared
and we can only smell it
like dog food
the dog is going crazy
christmas
family
or as my mom exclaimed when jacob found two piles of dried shit under the formal dining table
and my dad picked it up with a napkin
are you happy or full of shit?

Movies I want to watch

2008-12-24T00:24:00.000-08:00

The Class
Gran Torino

Vicky Cristina Barcelona Irvine

2008-12-23T13:49:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I sneaked Vietnamese sandwiches into the theatre and ate my chicken baguette while watching Vicky Cristina Barcelona. I liked how the movie transported me to Spain for a couple of hours. The stereotypes are accurate, the screenwriting is self-conscious and witty, the acting is quite good. Penelope Cruz makes a beautiful krazy woman and I thought the genius of the movie was in showing a variety of worldviews and being equally convincing. It was a lot of fun. I recommend it.

This morning I dragged myself out of sleep (I dreamt about getting into UCSD's master's in English program and wandering around the campus, wondering if I should go to law school or med school) and went to go check out J. and I's new apartment two buildings over. It's a two story townhouse style flat on the 3rd and 4th floor of the building. There is east light in the 2 bedrooms and living room. There's an entryway, a separate dining area, a counter begging for barstools. Not too shabby for campus housing. I felt so grown up. I think that's why I started acting out like a five year old. We signed the lease, made it official. He's moving in this week.

Feel what you feel, said Farzy of Yoga House. I'm going to do that because I'm still in shock that I'm actually going to be living in the OC, the freaking orange curtain. This man really must be something else.

In Irvine

2008-12-22T11:29:00.000-08:00

It's raining outside. Soft patters. Gray ocean mist covers us. I'm moving here in a few months. We just looked at apartments. A year ago, I would have been frazzled. Today, I feel confident and hopeful of the possibilities.

Merry Christmas everyone. Peace and hope and love to you.

Wow, a great article

2008-12-18T12:47:00.001-08:00

Carlos Mencia writes about finding your passion in a time of unemployment. It's fantastic.

Tribune files for bankruptcy

2008-12-08T12:22:00.000-08:00

It's been downhill for a long time. But I'm still sad to see this.

Castle Green Holiday Home Tour

2008-12-07T19:15:00.000-08:00

I got free passes to the Castle Green Holiday Home Tour so I took J. and my housemate. Castle Green is one of the oldest buildings still standing in L.A. County. We had sangria, Mexican pozole, and little curry bites from Dickinson's West Catering. We heard a little on the history of the place and then started from the penthouse down, visiting around 22 of the 50 condos there open for viewing.

There were condos decorated in mid-Century decor. Others represented original 1920s design and others were just breathtakingly eclectic and artistic. Many of the residents are architects, artists, or writers.

Gorgeous condos. Immediately I started thinking about how much money I needed to make a down payment on one of them. J. told me his first thought was, "Damn, I picked the wrong career."

What do these people do that they can afford to live in these beautifully stirring flats? They do these tours twice a year for $20 a pop. A few of them were for sale.

Late night thoughts

2008-12-05T00:02:00.000-08:00

My blog is so disorganized. I need a system.

Complaining about having too many friends to pick from is pretty snobby. I'm a snob!

But a reformed snob. I am now grateful for my friends.

Exercise, wonderful roommates, and going out to a really good smelling coffee shop can make you wake up a different woman. Thank you Lord.

I had my last journalism class today and things are falling into place. I'm being guided by the light within and my trusty mission statement.

I drove by my wedding venue at 5pm today and it looked so beautiful in the setting sky. I'm excited!

I love video gchat. It's especially awkward and funny when you im a friend who you've never done it with. like steph in the morning with my british friends in tow. it's a little crazy to answer a video chat ring to see three faces staring at you, two of which you don't know huh?

life is good.

Letterpress

2008-12-04T12:55:00.000-08:00

I love letterpress. sigh. When it comes to paper, ink, text, and design, I am forever the little girl who could spend hours touching, looking, and making cards and stationary.

Yesterday, I signed up for a letterpress class. It starts January and its at the same place as my first class last summer.

Project brainstorm:
- Bookmark favors for wedding
- personalized stationary for friends and family
- thank you cards
- change of address postcards
- more personalized stationary for myself :)
- business cards (if the instructor lets me--apparently the small size makes it difficult for beginners)

Any other ideas out there? Ooh, I just thought of a couple more that I need to keep secret.

This time I'm going to try and carve out some linoleum blocks before class starts.

Mission Statements

2008-12-03T15:29:00.001-08:00

A month ago, I was getting that ole feeling of hyperventilation/anxiety about feeling like my life was worthless because a) I was unemployed b) I didn't know what I wanted to do c) I wasn't making any money.

It's truly a miracle that someone like me has continued to quit her jobs before she has gotten another one. Each time, I cry, I freak out, but in the end, feel like that is what I need to do, regardless of how uncertain the time will be before I find a new job. I'm glad too for the courage to quit because I've always ended up doing things I never thought I would that helped me get to the next thing in life.

I decided to pray and remember what I had learned in Asia and this past summer. Nothing good comes out of worrying. And I do know what I want to do and the next step I need to take. I just need to listen to my self.

Somehow in the midst of my praying, I came up with a brilliant plan that seemed like it was straight from God herself. I wanted to do freelance writing and write novels. How could I support myself? By becoming a community college teacher of course! That way, I wouldn't have to be pressured to publish but could teach (which I love) and have flexibility as an adjunct professor.

I started looking at M.A. in English programs in earnest.

Well, this week, I finally had a chat with a wonderful woman at a local community college that my friend Lyds had connected me to. She has her Ph.D. in English as well as a Masters in TESL and is a fabulous human being. Down to earth, laid back, generous, funny, sincere, intelligent, sharp. She helped me figure out what I needed to talk to her about and I walked away feeling so encouraged. I got a very good idea of what it is like to be a community college teacher and how to get there. The next day, she even contacted me and helped me connect with the chair of the English Department for a more in depth conversation on hiring practices and advice for applying to grad school programs.

The more time lapsed from that meeting, the more I realized that something was off. The conversation had been great and informative. But it had also made me see the realistic side to that career. The fact was that she was a busy person. She felt like she finally had time to enjoy life other than work. And she warned me that although there is no pressure to publish academic papers, I will have tons of grading to do. Grading of bad writing no less.

My perfect plan started to disintegrate FAST. I realized that perhaps this wasn't the best way to tend to what I really wanted to do--freelance journalism and writing.

Which brings me to the main point of this post. I am such a planner. My family really drilled that into me. That I need a predictable career plan that I keep going on and then reach with wild success and acclaim. But planning NEVER works. Project planning is good. Life planning? It makes you inflexible, closed off to opportunities and spontaneity, shut off from the depths of your mysterious soul.

To keep me from always going into default planning mode, I decided to create a mission statement so that whatever I do, it comes from a deep unshakable conviction of what I feel called to in life. Instead of planning to get to that mission statement, I'm going live out the mission statement and be open to where it takes me. I think I'm going to have a lot more fun and do things I never thought I would.

As simple as it could be, my mission statement:
I am called to tell stories.

Jones Coffee Roasters

2008-12-03T15:09:00.000-08:00

I think this is my new favorite coffee spot in Pasadena. The coffee is some of the best I have had. They roast coffee beans throughout the day so it smells delicious and dark and rich in the shop. The shop is a half open warehouse so it has a cool artsy loft feel. They play good jazz music at the perfect volume. There's a big hanging red and gold lantern that I like to stare at. The people behind the counter are nice and give you free refills sometimes. It makes you feel like you're living.

An unusual week

2008-12-01T12:48:00.000-08:00

turkey
roast beef
dog attacks
cesar milan therapy
four christmases
steel paddles
the oc
a bishop in purple
the shack
long beach apartments
viento y agua
chicago friend
surprise kisses cookies
soontofu
wedding planning

Writing Prompt #1

2008-11-07T14:35:00.000-08:00

My friend Masaki said "You're good at writing Asian" after he heard this. That made me laugh. Who says that except your good Asian friend? We meet every Monday to give each other writing prompts and go through the excruciating so worth it process of reading our shitty spontaneous drafts out loud.

Writing Prompt #1--we had to write after looking at a picture of a painting in Art Forum Magazine. This is what came out.

Death was knocking at our door and we had to run. There was a cave inside the mountain by our house. My mother told me to roll up the old rice from the pot into fist sized balls and sprinkle them with salt. She said, “Faster, hurry.”

I was trying to work so hard my fingers were shaking. Every time I heard a machine gun go off, I shuddered and it was all I could do to tell my muscles to keep moving, to not freeze up and fail me now. I was at eight rice balls, not ten like my mother had requested, when we heard a bomb so close the windows on the far side of the house shattered. I whimpered.

My mother only ducked momentarily and then looked at me fiercely and said, “Pack those up, we have to go now. Get your younger brother.”

I grabbed my brother from the corner where he was huddling. My mom carried a bucket of water on her head and my youngest brother, only 3 months old, on her back. We went out the back door, through the fields and brush, and hurried to the river.

We walked up by the river and saw a neighbor who had dragged himself there and died. My mother ordered us to keep walking, to not slow down. My legs were numb.

Barack is President!

2008-11-05T21:38:00.001-08:00

Barack Obama became the 44th president of the United States last night. I watched in a room full of Obama supporters and one Republican who thinks he's the antichrist. I teared and I was so moved. I woke up today to a new day. Things feel so different now. Reading the comments on nytimes.com from all over the world moved me too. So many people around the world have more hope than they had before, more of a sense of a future that is good. I'm so glad to be part of this history.

You know what's Awesome?

2008-10-30T12:30:00.000-07:00

Awesome is having your roommate wake you up 2 hours earlier than you normally wake up to help her jump start her car only to find out that she decided to use your other roommate's car because it's parked next to hers.

Awesome is fighting the urge to go back to sleep and going to the Rose Bowl instead to enjoy the rising sun.

Awesome is coming back and having a delicious breakfast of quinoa, edamame beans, shitake mushrooms, taiwanese style eggs and tomatoes. Plus chili garlic sauce of course.

Awesome is getting on your vintage bike which is a little too tall for you even at the lowest seat setting and riding to the local Episcopal church to pray in the open sanctuary.

Awesome is getting back on your vintage bike and riding to Europane, your favorite local bakery, only to trip up on a curb and fall over into a side plant on the pavement in front of a shiny new BMW whose driver is trying not to be embarrassed for you but clearly is in the way he looks away.

Awesome is rubbing your knee, laughing at yourself, and walking the rest of the crosswalk.

Awesome is deciding beforehand that you will only eat half the massive blueberry scone and packing the rest away...and actually keeping it that way.

Awesome is enjoying that deelicious coffee of yours and 2 hours later, realizing you spilled a whole bunch in the middle of your fitted tee chest. How did I not notice that?

That's my awesome day so far. Awesome.

Photographs from Bali

2008-10-22T00:57:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd peruse my Bali photo album and post my favorites. I loved Bali. Looking at these pictures brings it all back for me.

breakfast at Sri Sunari

holy day festivities with the barong

a traditional balinese dance on an outdoor temple stage

roast pig (babi guling) from ibu oka....i'm salivating looking at it

the view from my room

the lovely students at Ubud vocational tourism high school

fruit salad at Putu's Wild Ginger

in the rice terraces

An Awesome Idea

2008-10-21T10:46:00.000-07:00

cycling across europe and staying in monasteries.

It Runs in the Family

2008-10-15T21:46:00.000-07:00

In my brother's room, there are books stacked in three columns around one corner of his desk. The rest of the desk is littered with headphones, cd covers, an alarm clock, a lamp, a bottle of lotion and aspirin, a bell souvenir from Jerusalem, an Israel Army wallet, a standing calendar, business cards, a bag of Goldfish, postits, a box of kleenex, a lint remover. The Israel stuff are gifts from my dad's recent trip. But the thing that makes me laugh the most is the half open plastic Dr. Scholl's Dual Action Freeze Away box For Large Warts. My brother is avidly fighting away his warts with freeze away action, while I slave away at my plantar warts with podiatrist visits and a bottle of salicylic acid, and my dad just clips his away with his nail clipper. Warts...they run in the family.

WTF

2008-10-14T21:34:00.000-07:00

"Increased African-American turnout is all the more important because of Obama's tougher challenge in more conservative, rural areas. In the Missouri Ozarks, a roadside billboard shows a cartoon of Obama with a turban, his middle name "Hussein" in bold red letters."

from "African-American enthusiasm could tip scales toward Obama," CNN.com

"Make sure you have something for yourself"

2008-10-14T14:10:00.000-07:00

'Make sure you have something for yourself,' she'll say. 'Make sure you are not always at home, waiting. Make sure you feel independent financially and emotionally.' I listen and I learn. I took a couple years off with the kids, but now I'm back to work."

--Hallie Biden quoting Jill Biden in a Nov 2008 Vogue feature article "Jill Biden's All the Vice President's Women"

Good things October

2008-10-11T22:20:00.000-07:00

Running on the beach, watching the sunset, and giving yourself a pep talk at the same time

Eating pizza by the slice and then getting another one after you're done. Stealing sips from another person's beer.

Buying a notebook you love. Even if you had to drive to 4 different stores to get it. SIGH!

Eating French-Vietnamese food in Garden Grove, CA and singing along to the music overhead.

Attending an art exhibit entitled "Just How Does A Patriot Act" at the OCCCA

Getting buzzed on a Friday night.

Missing your stop on the Metrolink, making the car laugh when you ask "Did I just miss...", and incurring the endearing wrath of your boyfriend who is at the other stop.

Finishing The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao past midnight and exhaling, "WOW..."

Celebrity Sighting at Target

2008-09-30T15:35:00.000-07:00

Dr. Chris Taub played by Peter Jacobson (left)

I turned around from the cash register with my purchases and heard a man ask, "Basket?" I inadvertently looked at him and OMG, it was Dr. Chris Taub from the Fox show House. House is my favorite show to watch when I'm winding down at night and not sleepy enough to sleep. It was very exciting to see him a couple feet away from me and see his quizzical face asking for a shopping basket. He was smaller and thinner in person. TV really makes people look bigger. His face even looked smaller. If I had to go on tv, I'd really need to lose a lot of weight to look like myself now.

Palin Language

2008-09-30T00:05:00.000-07:00

When I would listen to Palin's excruciatingly painful interviews, I'd listen in horror to her sentences. Her sentences did not make sense. I tried hard to describe it to other people. "It sounds like nonsense...grammatically incorrect, she's not coherent!"

But reading actual transcripts of her interview helped me put my finger on it. Palin's responses sound like a really bad cut and paste job. OR it's like you used one of those free crappy translation websites to translate a paragraph from your high school French book into English and spoke it out loud.

She is so disturbing.

Watching Fall Begin

2008-09-29T12:23:00.000-07:00

I moved into a rambling Victorian house a couple of days ago and it's been a ticklish delight to get to know my new home.

This morning I stood chopping leeks in front of the kitchen window and watched gusts of wind flutter leaves to the ground. Yesterday it was over 90 degrees in Pasadena; today the light is grey and cool and rain drops smatter the sidewalks.

Fall is beginning, isn't it? And though I'm not in school, I am burying myself in books. Two parcels arrived today:

--The Associated Press Stylebook

--2009 Writer's Market

--The Copyeditor's Handbook

--The Chicago Manual of Style

--The Synonym Finder

--Merriam Webster's Collegiate Dictionary

Thick yummy word books to get lost in.

My new favorite recipe is from a recent issue of Bon Appetit Magazine called Leek Confit. It's a delicious treat on almost anything. Last night I had it with seared eggplants. Today, I'm having it on top of Ethiopian Lentils. Yum.

it's been a while

2008-09-25T12:07:00.000-07:00

i took a blogging hiatus at the end of my trip and this last week. i'm getting all my pictures in order and i'm finally over jetlag. i'll post again soon. thanks readers!

chillin in bangkok

2008-09-06T00:16:00.000-07:00

it's officially decided. i love the expat life and i think i will be returning to asia (or europe) very soon. bangkok is the nicest city i have been tooo...the luxe parts are so luxe that i spin around in awe. doubledecker subway platforms, music in the air, fountains spouting water and good food everywhere? oh man. i looove it.

i'm staying at The Atlanta, a very quirky, eccentric hotel that draws writers and artsy travelers. if you do a quick google search, you'll draw some interesting reviews. they have their own verbose tonal language here and you just have to be here to experience the absurd, humorous, and intelligent nature of signs and manuals found everywhere around this hotel telling you what they thinks about a number of topics including your language, stupid tourists, thai rifraf and sexpats. (by the way, i have seen so many old white business guys with young thai girls. it's really gross. ewwww).

lots of things are planned for these last few days. i am so sad this trip is ending soon. thank you to all my dear friends who supported me. i have had the time of my life and learned so much about myself and God and living life the way I have longed to live it. I'm going to a big open market tomorrow...hope to find you a gift there :)

one more beach escape in southern thailand
a visit to the famous floating boat market
teaching english at a center serving the poor
visiting my friend lexie
going to a cock fight
a facial
riding elephants and tigers
visiting temples
getting a haircut
reading more books
taking a thai cooking class
learning thai kickboxing

which ones do you think are true? i mixed in a couple fake ones to make you gasp. oh the joys of making others gasp.

Paradise in Pictures

2008-09-03T01:00:00.000-07:00

It's been so long since I blogged but I finally have access to a camera cord and am able to post some pictures.

Sunday to Tuesday, I joined YWAM Singapore's team to Pulau Besar, an island off the coast of Malaysia. It was a tropical dream come true. There were only two resorts on the island and that was it. No internet cafes, no shops, no nothing! I felt almost like Robinson Crusoe. I had a wonderful time with Carl, Theresa, and their family of friends. We played lots of card games, swooned over the crystal clear waters and white sand, stared at the stars (we could see the Milky Way!!!), and did lots of snorkeling.

Enjoy the pics.

The night before we left, I made kimchi for the first time with Theresa.

It was surprisingly fun and easy.

We left for Malaysia early in the morning and were greeted by a local parade.

Then we got on a boat for Pulau Besar.

Here's Carl on the boat.

We arrived and gasped. Yup, this is for real.

We stayed in these bungalows

and kept looking at the water

i know, it's amazing. wish you were there.

a few days later, we left for civilization. this is Mersing, a port town in Malaysia. I had my first Malaysian KFC meal there. Spicy chicken. It was just out of the fryer and smackalicious! Theresa swears they sprinkled msg all over it. Probably true.

We came back to rainy Singapore, and I treated Theresa and Carl to a big Korean bbq dinner. They loved it.

Hot Kimchi Jun Geol--perfect for a rainy day.

Theresa is quite the gourmand cook. I think she could be the next Julia Child. This is the salad she made for me today.

And I helped her to do laundry on poles hanging off the building--Singapore style.

till next time...

Goodbye Bali

2008-08-28T05:09:00.000-07:00

Tonight I leave Bali for Singapore and I am grateful for my time here.

The island has been good to me and while it was not a "tropical paradise," it was a place for renewal, reflection, and joy.

I haven't spent much time on the internet doing my usual work--reading the nytimes like I did daily back in the U.S. I just read this article just now however, and now I realize clearly that the ny times shapes my tastes to the elites' and teaches me to complain and feel like life should be working out a certain more bourgeois way. I read once that in order to be a great leader, you shouldn't be reading periodicals like the NY Times or The Economist. You should be reading the great classics. I'm going to take that advice now.

In Bali, I contemplated poverty and the non-U.S. life. I remembered again how much I had loved to live in a different country. I remembered how much it bothered me that just because I was born in a different country, I get more privileges than any common person in Bali does.

In the U.S., I felt like a poor person, "needing" a job to get by. I felt discriminated against at times and sensitive of my identity as an Asian American. In Bali, I realized how I am an incredibly rich person in the world. I could afford anything here, every luxury, every fine dining experience that Agus and Wayan would never dream in a million years of being served at.

When I heard Agus and Wayan tell me that their dream was to work for a cruise line, employers notorious for exploiting and trapping laborers on boats for months, I realized that I have so many options. I can dream big and I actually have the realistic means to go for it. And I need to--to be given those opportunities and not do anything with them is clearly a waste. There are people here whose dreams are so limited.

In Bali, I remembered dreams from my youth to write from abroad and to tell the stories of those too poor to tell them themselves. I realized the dreams are very much still alive.

Bali helped me remember my dreams and stoked the passions that had lain dormant for some time. It showed me what was real and what was still alive--even after all the religious confusion and chaos. It showed me that I am privileged and that I want to make the most of it with joy and love for the rest of the world.

Thank you Bali. I'll be coming back soon.

Ubud-Lovina: At the bottom of a Waterfall

2008-08-26T05:04:00.000-07:00

I left Sri Sunari Inn with a mournful heart...such jung had developed over the last week for the place, for Ubud, and for Nyoman and his nephews Agus and Wayan.

I loved my time in Ubud and never wanted to leave. The rice paddies, the delicious food, the staff at Sri Sunari that made me feel like family. Nyoman told me when I left, "I will miss you." The day before my last, I went with Agus and Wayan to their tourism vocational high school's English club and helped teach them and their classmates English. The students were so delightful I seriously thought about living in Bali and being an English teacher.

I fell in love with Agus and Wayan--they were adorable and I watched youtube videos with them in between trying to make reservations for the next leg of my trip. When we watched a Chris Brown music video of "With You" and oohed and ahed at Chris Brown's dancing moves sliding over sidewalks Agus stood up, shook his head, and said, "I don't think he can do this in Indonesia."

I said, "Why not?"

He said, "Because...in Indonesia, too many holes in the ground."

I laughed really hard. It's true. Way too many holes in the ground to be able to dance like Chris Brown.

Things I loved about Ubud:
The inn--the view, the breakfast, the room, the breeze. It was far from central Ubud but riding a bicycle and learning how to navigate Balinese traffic helped me feel like a local. I'll be writing a glowing review in tripadvisor.com when I get the chance. If I ever go back to Ubud, I will stay there.
The food--Ubud is known for having the best restaurants in Bali. I loved the baked goods at Casa Luna, the ginger fizz and Putu's chicken special at Wild Ginger Warung (Nyoman's wife's restaurant), and the Balispirit Kafe with lounge areas and a groovy atmosphere for reading and journaling.
The climate--never too cold, never too hot. Gray clouds with the occasional bright sun breaking through and lush green paddies everywhere.

I felt like I could live in Ubud for months and be very very happy.

The next couple of days, I will be in Lovina in North Bali. Lonely Planet describes Lovina as "The place to do nothing and love it." When I read that, I knew I had to come. Lovina is laid back and has a wonderful balmy spirit to it. Nothing too touristy or frenetic here.

From the south, it is a three hour drive to Lovina through mountains, rice terraces, volcanos, and lakes. On the way, we stopped at GitGit waterfall. I sat near the bottom of the waterfall and watched the water fall down and hit the rocks below. Green trees and foliage surrounded the sides and a calm stream flowed down the mountain. I sat there taking it all in and the realization that came up in my heart was this: My life feels balanced.

I let that sit for a while and then remembered why that was important. One year ago, I had sat in a therapist's office and she had asked me why I was there. I said, "I want my life to be balanced." She didn't understand and didn't seem to know how to help so I never went back. But I remember feeling so desperately that I needed balance--balance in my warring emotions, my angst, my fears, my doubts, pain, and sorrow. I felt stuck and vulnerable and knew that something was very much off kilter.

Just as a waterfall is both the crushing force of water on rocks below and the stream just a couple feet later gently flowing onward, I feel as if I've come to a place where all of that can happen at the same time in my life. I can accept the strong rush and force of certain situations and emotions and also see that a gentle stream is always present and never gone. All flows into one and comes from one. (I have to laugh at this point now--I can tell I sound very zen)

I am grateful for this time to experience and receive from God. My heart has been stirring a lot through these travels and so much has been coming to my awareness about vocation and calling and how I want to live my life. I'm excited to share with my friends in the days to come.

happy birthday hk!

2008-08-22T02:37:00.000-07:00

today i turned 26. i didn't feel old as the days preceding it had me thinking. instead i felt grateful, wise, more ready to step fully into being a mature growing woman.

things i am learning in bali:

-- the art of doing nothing: i spend my days reading, thinking of where to eat next, reading some more, and riding my bike around, staring into rice paddy fields

--how to meet a french man on a bike tour and have dinner with him overlooking the campuan river valley without it being awkward. Vincent was his name. At the end of the night he said with a nice accent, "well that was short and sweet and the best day i've had since coming to bali!" hehe. we talked about elizabeth gilbert, chanel (he works for them), taize (he's gone before) and how he loves reading americans' writing and the way they make the french sound exotic. it was really funny watching him try to smoke, drink wine, and finish his hot green tea in the last few minutes before the restaurant staff kicked us out.

--how to be the last straggler on a bike tour down a volcano, have a bruised butt, and still love life

--how to relax and not be stressed but just enjoy the unwinding of a day, how to take it easy and be ok with not being so "consolidated"

Devilicious

2008-08-20T00:04:00.000-07:00

Today is Bali's holiest day and men and women are dressed up. There are processions down decorated streets with the beating of drums and gongs and kids under dragon costumes (like the Chinese dragon).

I woke up and enjoyed a lovely breakfast prepared by Nyoman and relaxed by the pool, chatting with a couple other guests at the inn, a retired Australian teacher and a Brit. I'm starting to understand a little more of why people come here. There's this strange juxtaposition of poverty and shops for expats. David, the Australian told me that for him, it is cheaper to live in Bali for 2 months out of the year, than it is to just stay at home with his wife and eat in Melbourne. So they come here to stretch their retirement funds. Really interesting.

I ate at Devilicious, a Cajun warung and read some more of Middlemarch by George Eliot. It's such an excellent satirical book for religious girls like me.

Tonight, I'm going to a balinese dance and tomorrow, i'm doing a cycling tour of a nearby volcano. i'm looking forward to that.

i'm off to another massage now.

Reporting from Ubud, Bali

2008-08-19T01:24:00.001-07:00

This morning, I got on a flight for Denpasar Bali and made it to Sri Sunari Inn, a homestay inn that I found on tripadvisor.com.

It's backdrop is rice paddy fields. Ducks muck about in the mud and everything is lush and green. Bali is different from what I imagined. It is beautiful but in a very raw, globalized, human way. Davey (in Japan) and Theresa (in Singapore) had warned me that Bali is very much a part of a developing country, not just some resort haven. I was a bit naiive and thought that since multitudes of expats are flocking there, it must be something akin to a cozier, cheaper Hawaii.

Instead, poverty is very apparent and stray dogs wander around everywhere. Many buildings seem to be in mid-construction.

For the first few hours of my arrival, I sat by the pool and looked out into the distance thinking, what was Elizabeth Gilbert thinking? In her Eat, Pray, Love book, she talks about how after a while of being here, she began to see that the Balinese were real people too with real problems underneath the contented smiles and their joy in working and serving. They weren't some pseudo godlike people who happened to strike the perfect balance between pleasure and work after all.

I could tell that as soon as I looked out my airplane window. It doesn't take much to recognize poverty and the effects of globalization. Anyways, the lack of awareness boggles me. I would have never mistaken the Balinese for some kind of perfectly balanced people. It's obvious it's a hardscrabble life here.

It's a bit far from the center of Ubud so Wayan, the nephew of Nyoman the manager, took me for a scooter ride to Nur Salon mid-afternoon. I treated myself to a traditional javanese massage--2 hours of massage, body scrub, and flower petal infused bath. I lay in the bathtub and looked up at the sky through my semi-open air room thinking, "My life feels the most random it has ever felt. wow."

Perhaps random is good. I don't know how else to describe being in tokyo, Singapore, and bali within the span of 3 days. It feels really bizarre and thrilling all at the same time.

My goal on this trip to Bali is pretty simple. To enjoy every day, to read a lot, to write, and to discover more of who God made me to be. I think it will be an interesting time.

Goodbye Tokyo--Hello Singapore

2008-08-17T20:43:00.000-07:00

an old post from monday 8/18:

I am in Singapore today after arriving late last night from Tokyo. Joey's wedding was a bizarre and hilarious success complete with friends in kilts, tupac shakur rap songs, and yours truly playing to hundreds at their reception. They made everyone quiet down, gather around me, and put the spotlight on me. I just had to laugh at how funny and absurd it was. Joey got fanagled and tricked into doing a first dance with Ai during my song and he looked at me and pretended to slit his throat like "YOU are so dead!" He had a blast though and everyone howled and screamed for them.

Afterwards, we made our way to Ikebukuro, Tokyo to the Ale House, an underground pub that was rented out for all of Joey and Ai's close friends for an afterparty. We had unlimited drinks and food and partied until the last trains. I was so excited to see my friend Jeremiah Trusty from Wheaton at the pub. He is playing basketball with Athletes in Action and serving with Campus Crusade for Christ in Japan. Jeremiah used to direct a rockin gospel worship team at Wheaton and I was a part of that group. It was good to reminisce and share dreams again. Jeremiah used to talk in college about how he dreamt of doing a worldwide tour with a gospel group and how I would be the first person to call if he did end up doing it. The dream is still alive and once he heads home to Philly this September, he's going to try and realize it. Maybe next year, I'll be on an international gospel team with good ole JT.

Joey gets married today

2008-08-15T16:20:00.000-07:00

The last few days were a blur. Kyoto was a bigger city than I thought and I was glad to sign up last minute for a tour of the major shrines and castles. I went to Nijo Castle, the Imperial Palace, and the Golden Pavilion. Nijo Castle was my favorite. I also met a solo female traveler, an Estonian New Yorker and I was glad for the encouragement for the next leg of my journey where I truly will be going solo.

Came back through Atami and stopped for a famous hot springs bath before heading back to Tokyo to join up with the Millards. Last night, I hung out with the ladies where we had a pseudo bachelorette night for Ai. We went to Christian Academy, and helped Ai set up the last of her decorations in the auditorium and cafeteria. Then we had a big meal of sushi and went to a shopping center to surprise her with a gift of lingerie. It was fun laughing with Ai and helping her take some of the wedding stress off. Then we went to an Italian cafe for dessert and a time of encouragement. We asked her questions for reflection and played games and prayed for her. Ana, Joey's sister, started crying as she prayed because she was so thankful that Ai was joining their family. They were friends first in Oregon where they both went to school before Joey entered the picture. It was really sweet and beautiful to witness the open hearts of love, the friendship and joy of families growing and relationships growing stronger.

I'm seeing old friends that I haven't seend in a while from Wheaton. I've also been pulled to sing a cover of Rosie Thomas song "You and me" for their reception. Yikes! Got to practice today.

One point of concern--i was never able to get my bali roundtrip ticket for singapore and I leave tomorrow. I'm going to try and buy it today but I may just need to buy it at the counter. Anybody ever done that before?

I'm off to prepare for the wedding...listening to Ai and Joey talk about their feelings on getting married--I realized, it's just this impossible decision that you make to do something you feel like you have no idea about. It's a wild decision that you make and somehow, unbeknownst to yourself, you just keep sticking with it each day until one day you are finally married. It's been encouraging for me to hear how much they are unsure too and don't feel ready and have wanted to pull out and still can't believe it's happening. The difference between them and me is that they were eventually able to just accept the chaos, the uncertainty, and the messiness of it all.

Aight, I'm out. Let's hope bali flights work out. and Congratulations to Ai and Joey!

(by the way, my English on this blog wil certainly get worse and worse. Be prepared--this happens when I visit Asia)

Leaving on a bullet train

2008-08-12T15:22:00.000-07:00

Today I board the shinkansen for Kyoto. Doing touristy stuff makes me feel perpetually jetlagged and off but I think it will be nice to ride the bullet train and see the countryside. Japan is very green and beautiful.

Yesterday, Joey took a couple of us to see the Meiji shrine and the Harajuku and Shibuya Districts. We ate yummy sushi, gawked at the Harajuku girls (people really like to dress up here, and were absolutely enthralled with the store, Loft. Loft is a 5 floor store with everything beautiful you can think of but the best is the 1st floor filled with stationery and notebooks and pens and art supplies and japanese papers.

After we came back, Joey and Ana took us to one of their favorite Japanese diners. They have been going there for over 20 years. It was this tiny hole in the wall place with only room for a bar and a small table at the back of the store. We ate hot yakisoba and lots of pork and eggplant dishes. Yum, homestyle Japanese cooking.

It's been interesting being here. The thing I like the most is that everything is so clean and userfriendly. The bathrooms never smell, there are bidets everywhere, and everything is my size. The mechanical designs of everything from kitchens to trucks and subway stations are so intuitive that I just think, why has America not done this yet? They even have textured tiles in the middle of sidewalks and walkways so that blind people can follow them and know where they are going. And the 7-11s. Oh man, filled to the brim with delectable snacks, drinks, breads, and curry pockets. I'm getting hungry. Time for breakfast!

Doomo Japan!

2008-08-11T17:52:00.000-07:00

Hello all, I made it to Tokyo with only one throwup incident in the airplane and most exciting of all, I was on the same flight as COMMON!!! I didn't even recognize him and his entourage until Jacob pointed him out at the baggage claim. He was just a few feet away from me. Wow, what an exciting start to an Asia adventure of a lifetime!

A bus ride to Nishihoya (West Tokyo City, Tokyo Prefecture) reunited me with my dear friend Joey Millard, his two brothers Davey and Noah, and his sister Ana, Yumiko (Davey's wife), Hannah-a cousin, and Ai, the soon to be wife of Joey.

We went to the public bathhouse and bathed up. I got to know the ladies fast as we bonded over boiling water. Then we hit up a snack shop and ate a midnight snack of aloe juice and curry on rice.

Today we are off to Tokyo to see the sights. It's been a great start. It's always a party with the Millards and I feel blessed to be here. They asked me, is Japan like Korea? Japan actually feels like a combination of England, France, and Korea. I like it.

Ciao till next time. Arigato.

Last Day Pic with Jess

2008-08-07T14:34:00.000-07:00

My favorite coworker and I. I'll miss her. She helped me get through this summer and go deeper.

She gave me a card and it says:
"You're gonna travel!!! Your time traveling is a joy, a time you'll never forget, a time to seek God's direction for the next path you'll take. Enjoy it! No Panic Moments! Turn to him in all things. Don't let anything steal the joy in this time of your life."

AWWWWWWWWWWW. See what I mean? She is a gem.

Wrapping UP

2008-08-07T14:03:00.000-07:00

I'm wrapping up here and tying up loose ends with job, apartment, travel plans.

Yesterday, I did a headstand away from the wall for the first time. It's a time for new experiences, new challenges, and growth.

What have you done new this week?

My Day: Farewell Lunch, Centering Prayer, Driving

2008-08-05T22:44:00.000-07:00

Today, my office went out for a farewell lunch. I stuffed myself silly with thai noodles, we laughed, we shared. At the end of the day, my boss came over to my desk and prayed for me. They all blessed me and said, we know this is what you need to do.

For all those who know me, you know that at times I have hated this job. But today, I felt incredibly blessed to be released and blessed by my boss and coworkers. I've grown to love them, to accept their humanity, and to be thankful for the really good things about them.

I drove away feeling incredibly happy. Something had shifted in my heart.

Then I went to Centering Prayer group to join two of the loveliest women. I stuffed myself silly with guacamole and chips. I seriously have no shame about eating a ton of food. It was my last week with them before departing on the trip. I am thankful for the love they have shown me, the food S. has given me, and the support I have received to continue in my centering prayer practice and readings.

I drove from that to Genebeb's house thinking, I am so grateful and proud of myself. The last few months have been some of the hardest of my life and yet every single day, I chose to confront my pain, my fears, and go for this trip to Asia. Now, less than a week before my departure date, I am exhilarated by the possibilities. I am so excited that I am doing this. And I know it's going to change my life. I really went for it with this one peeps! I didn't back down even when others bailed and crazy life got in the way. I kept going. And it is amazing to be here in this place with expectation.

That's all for now. I just wanted to write that. And how do you know I'm in SoCal? Because I'm always driving.

I love...

2008-08-05T10:25:00.000-07:00

I looooove Gentle Yoga with B.S. Oh man. That class rocks my body. Yesterday we worked on the chest and upper back.

I love my new blue nalgene bottle with a small drinking spout.

I love new haircuts.

I love Centering Prayer and Inner Awakening. This book rocks my sanity.

Going for it!: Surf Goddess Retreat

2008-08-04T09:09:00.001-07:00

Find more photos like this on Surf Goddess Retreats Network

When I saw this website a month ago, my heart jumped and I screamed. I thought, holy shit! Are you kidding me? I am SO on board. (pun unintended :)

And then I saw the price tag. And I stalled. And then I didn't sign up. And then they had no availability left.

Last week I was kicking myself. I vowed that I would do it sometime in my lifetime. I also sent off an email to them just to check and see if they had any cancellations. They didn't.

Well, over the weekend, they sent me another email and said they just had a cancellation. Would I be interested?

I jumped. I hollered. And then I thought about it for a half day, analyzing my budget. If I did this retreat, it would blow my budget by almost $2000. That is really blowing a budget. I kept looking at the website and shrieking in excitement. And then I said no, no. I'll be fine not doing it. I'll just spend a whole lot less, go to some yoga classes, and do a lot of writing.

Well, I woke up this morning and thought about what it looks like for me to GO for it. The retreat popped up in my head. Then I got to work and talked to my favorite coworker, Jessica. She has surfed before and I asked her what it is like. I told her about the retreat. And you know what she said? Even after I told her the pricetag?

She said:

"I've been reading books about girls learning how to surf and it is an amazing thing. The feel of waiting for a wave, being out on the water, catching a wave...there's nothing like it. Go for it. Do this for yourself! When are you going to get another chance like this? When you come back, you will have finished this big trip to Asia...you probably won't go back soon and who knows, life changes, you may get married, you may have kids....this is your chance!!!! And THINK Hanna, think about the thousands of dollars people spend on a wedding that only lasts 4 hours. This will be so much more meaningful and exciting than 4 hours! Do this for yourself!"

I laughed a lot and shrieked some more. I'm going to do it! AHHHHHHHHH

Word: Keep Going On

2008-08-03T22:53:00.000-07:00

The word in my life lately has been "keep going on."

First, my mother said it to me on Friday.

Then, on Saturday, I attended Kollaboration's Acoustic Show 2 and the theme was about empowerment for Asian Americans in entertainment and art. PK, founder and host, kept reiterating that you must never stop but keep going on to be an artist. He listed the breakthroughs that have happened in the last 8 years as a result of the show. Judy Chu, chair of the California State Board for Equalization, came on stage to talk about political breakthroughs and never giving up. John Chiang, State Controller, came on stage too, to encourage the audience to keep going.

Then this morning, I went to All Saints Church and Gary Hall was in town as a guest preacher. He is one of my favorite preachers and he preached on the passage where Jacob wrestles with God and gets his hip dislocated and then his name changes to Israel. Gary Hall's message? God blesses Jacob because he doesn't stop. He keeps going on, even when his hip is dislocated. He keeps going on, even when his life is falling apart. He keeps going on and God respects him and blesses him.

I just need to take a moment there to take that in. I look at my life and so much of my life, I have not kept going on. Usually, I do a massive google internet search to get all the facts and info about some vocational path or life decision, and then decide not to go for it because there are too many cons.

I'm realizing now that everything, absolutely everything has its cons. But you keep going on. You take the plunge and you take the bad with the good...otherwise, you will never experience the good and most importantly, you will never grow and change and move beyond what you know.

I think this is a deep topic that I will be pondering a lot on my trip to Asia, especially in Bali where I'll be doing a personal yoga/writing retreat. What does it look like for me to keep going on? What have I given up on because I was afraid or discouraged by the downside of a certain path?

I have had major trauma associated with my decision making. One woman listened to my story and said my trauma had been a result of my naivete. I think that worried me even more and I started trying to analyze every single decision to make sure I didn't make a mistake, so that I wouldn't be "naive" again. I'm realizing now that analysis or just staying in the head to find the answer doesn't work. I need to act, try it out, see if I like it with first hand experience. Do I want to sign up for a certain program? Then I need to fly and go see what it's like for the weekend. Do I need to make a decision about vocation? Then instead of wondering if I am the right person for it by analyzing my self, I should go try it out and see how it feels. I'm starting to find my way out of my trauma and grow. It feels really good. It feels like God is blessing me.

Kollaboration's Acoustic Show

2008-08-03T09:19:00.000-07:00

This video from a performance at UC Merced doesn't quite do the song justice but my brother performed his original song "Shots and Beers" last night at the Ford Amphitheatre for Kollaboration's Acoustic Show. He was the last performer and his performance was spellbinding.

It was really neat to sit in the audience and see how much my brother has grown as an artist and is just going for it and not stopping. I was so proud. He won 2nd place last night.

This guy, Paul Dateh performed as a guest musician and was amazing.

I also really liked The Shinobies.

Level 1 yoga with Bruce

2008-08-02T11:22:00.000-07:00

Today, I let myself enjooooy the morning, laying awake with my earplugs, the occasional cries of the baby and the screaming green parrots barely making a ripple on the surface of my content conscience.

I love my mom for snapping me out of it. I love the pink flowers that greeted my sleepy eyes. I love Saturday mornings.

I went to Level I yoga with Bruce at 9 am. Hot damn. That class near killed me. At one point, I thought I was going to puke. At another, I thought that I was going to fall over and my leg muscles give out. Throughout the entire class, my body kept going in and out of vibrating numbness. I kind of think that is not normal. Or is it? Any yogis out there know? In one pose, my whole abdomen started convulsing. I'm laughing just remembering. I felt like such a dork.

But I made it. And it was good to experience once again that hard work pays off. Mindfulness, awareness, being grounded in the present are all absolutely necessary to survive a workout like that. It carries you through the day and pretty much beats any fear inside of your cowering chest away and replaces it with a burning fire and confidence in your own spirit.